Holding a grudge

I am in my mid-twenties, and was diagnosed with OCD when I was 10 or 11. With help and support from my family and my psychologist, as well as medication, I have been able to cope relatively well with my OCD.

One thing that I struggle with is that I hold grudges over things that people have said or done to me in the past that upset me. There are some grudges that I get over eventually, but there are others I have held for years (upwards of 3 years in some cases). When I am holding a grudge, I repeat over and over in my head what this person did or said that upset me, and I think about ways that I would or should have verbally confronted this individual about their behaviours.

There is one grudge I am struggling with in particular. About 3 and a half years ago I was fired by a supervisor from a sports league that I officiated. I got back into the league a year later. Twice during this time span he chastised me over the phone, which I was very upset by. After the completion of that season I sent him a long email, upwards of 5 pages single-spaced, reaming him out for the way he had treated me and spoken to me, and I also copied the president of the league on that email. My intent was to vent about how I felt. His response was to fire me again from this league.

For these 3+ years, I have ruminated over the things this guy has said and done to me, and thinking about how I can get even with this guy. I don't want to do anything illegal to get even with him, but I what I do want to do is say negative things about the league and about this supervisor to his colleagues and potential officials in this league, so that I will cause him problems. Basically I want to spread negativity throughout the officials in this league. This is my way of feeling some control over the situation. If I am feeling down, at least I can get some satisfaction from bringing my former supervisor down with me.

It can be fun in a way to hold a grudge, but I have gone through a lot of unhappy periods because of it. I also feel depressed and guilty at myself for thinking about doing negative things to bring this guy down. It would be nice if I could leave the past in the past but it doesn't feel like I am able to do that. Sometimes the anger I have towards this guy or other people from officiating becomes overwhelming, to the point where if I tell myself to move on from it, five seconds later I find myself thinking angry thoughts again. Another officiating season is approaching, and for the first time in over 10 years of officiating this sport, I am finding myself not looking forward to the season.

Does anyone else here have a problem with holding grudges? What do you do to stop holding grudges? I have tried writing this stuff down on paper and looking at websites that talk about getting over grudges, but the angry thoughts and ruminating over what people have done to me just keep coming back at me.

Hi, helpfulone1! Have you tried using a distraction against these thoughts? You could maybe try to treat them with calm when they show up and choose to do something other than focusing on them. What do you think? Are you getting a bit of counseling?

I get grudges a lot and it can really drive me crazy sometimes. I've found, like jasmin has suggested, that trying to treat them just as thoughts - calm - is the best way to manage them. I also try to come up with some more constructive thing to do instead of acting out whatever thoughts I might have.

With my social phobia, I am devistated by any negativity from anyone, even healthy critism. I take it inward and suffer.

TO survive, I have had to study everyone. I learned that people who harm you emotionally have just as many problems. Some of these problems you have no control over. For instance, I knew a person who just didn't like me. I had no idea why, but I reasoned it out that I might have reminded him of someone he knew that he didn't like. I was always nice and didn't bother him and was polite. Yet, he decided he just did not want to like me. Because of his behavior I had to make a choice. I basically said that it was his problem, not mine.

If someone of authority is doing this, it might be time to go to someone in even higher authority so you can keep the sport.

Right now, I am upset with a friend of mine. This man, how I buddied with for over 12 years just up and left and moved out of state. He never told me... no one, infact. I even called the police to havea "wellness check" done on him because I thought he was in trouble. For my trouble, I found he left without saying goodbye... after 15 years of friendship. DId I hold a grudge? Yes. Did I keep it up?

I had to tell myself., "How will this help me?" The individual was unstable as far his mental health. He had warned me that he was going to leave. I just never thought he would go without saying goodbye. I had to redirect my thoughts, to something even more important. It's difficult to trust people enough to be there friend. I have a gap in my social life. How will I replace that? In this situation, being angry with him will do no good becasue it will not change a thing.

It was time to redirect my thinking to solve that problem. Some things you can not change. So, you let it go and find a new direction. It sounds like you love your sport. Can you solve the problem even though this person is giving you trouble? If you can, The oppinion of that person willo become irrelevant and you go on...

Sorry I took so long to reply. I haven't logged-in in ages.

I have used distractions and looking at my thoughts in a calm way, which helps for a few hours, but then the vindictive thoughts come back again. Often it is a daily thing. I am getting counselling for OCD, GAD and depression so holding grudges may be something I work on.

It is true entangled that people act the way they do because they have weaknesses. But part of my problems is that sometimes I hold people to a higher standard than myself. So I will accept that I might not always do nice things and might make mistakes, yet feel vindictive when other people make mistakes towards me. I can forgive myself for mistakes a lot easier than I can forgive others for theirs.