I'm new here.

Hi guys. I'm new here. I've just been so up in my head the last few days and thought I would post here and discuss things with people that would understand.

I have a lot of issues. I didn't have a horrible childhood like a lot of people with mental health issues do. I was harrassed a bit in grade school for a couple years and there was occassional verbal abuse from my father. But very little.

I've ALWAYS had low self-esteem. I see women who walk around with such confidence, and I don't understand how they do that. It's taken me a long time to realize that I am not ugly. There is nothing physically wrong with me. I get lots of compliments on my blue eyes and I've just lost a bunch of weight. After the thirty pounds of weight loss, I'm officially in the appropriate weight bracket.

I've had depression and low self esteem since I was a little girl. It started even before the bullying. I developed anorexia in high school. That lasted over a year.

I was then diagnosed a couple years later with bipolar disorder. I was in denial for a while. But it soon became obvious that my moods were fluctuating WAY TOO MUCH when I was off meds. I guess I'm lucky in a way. I have Bipolar II which isn't as serious as other forms. A lot of people with bipolar disorder are addicted to drugs, have tried to kill themselves, can't hold a job, etc. Although I haven't had the greatest life, I have been able to hold a job for 11 years and I've never tried to kill myself.

I also have a bit of OCD. I focus on the strangest things. For many years I was picking my skin. I still pick at my face, but it's gotten much better. For several months I became obsessed that I was going to harm people. I couldn't stop thinking about it, even though I am NOT a violent person. I would harm myself or trash my own belongings before I would even consider harming another person, and yet I couldn't get it out of my mind. I was losing sleep, crying...

And right now I'm obsessed about marriage. I used to want babies. Now I'm not focused on that at all. I'd like for it to happen. But I don't need it to happen. What I do want is to be happily married. I've wanted that ever since I was small. But lately I can't stop thinking about it. I'm thirty years old, and each passing day I feel like it's slipping away. I haven't had sex in two years and I almost feel like throwing up my hands and going to a bar and taking home the first man that will sleep with me. Maybe I'm not meant to find anyone special? Maybe I should just give up and start sleeping around. I'm just so incredibly lonely. And I can't stop thinking about the loneliness...

I know being married doesn't equal happiness. I'm actually a bit picky about men. I don't want to be with someone unless I feel that spark. And every once in a while I will meet someone I feel is a good match. When I see that they aren't interested or they don't want a third date...I am devasted. It's like I'm being rejected by billions of men all over the world.

I know I have a lot to offer. I'm very honest, I don't play games, I'm not materialistic, I'm loyal, I'm funny, I'm intelligent...and yet: I definitely have my issues. I have so many hang-ups. I take meds and I have to monitored very closely if I ever want to have a baby. I worry about that too. I can't just go off the meds. That would be a disaster.

When do I bring all this up to a guy?

I have faith in God and I know that God wants people to be happy. Having a wonderful (he doesn't have to be perfect) man in my life would make me much happier. I don't know if God wants me to be happy. I have been depressed most of my life and I have this feeling I'm just going to die a lonely old women.

The only comfort I get out of my mental illness is the fact that some of the most creative people in the world were very mentally disturbed. I am working hard to finish my first novel. I don't know if it will be published, but I know it's good. This is some comfort. LOL!

I'm obsessing, feeling sorry for myself and having trouble getting out of bed. Thanks for reading all this. I appreciate it.

Hi,
You have quite a few issues going on there, which makes me think you did have a abusive childhood. It might not have been overtly bad but subtle emotional abuse (put downs/invalidation/criticism/ridicule/feeling unloved, unwanted) can cause deep hurt.
Childhood is our foundation on which all our adult life is built, it needs to be good and solid, loving. Would you build a house on sand? If a house is built on weak foundations major cracks will begin to appear and it will need much remedial work to survive.
You are strong (considering your problems) and you sound like you have the determination to move forward.
So, the to the dating. Ummm not easy.
Have you ever tried internet dating? I have and I have met some nice people. (I have met a few weirdos too so be cautious).
I have found to find someone I like I have had to meet about 15 people, at first its exciting then it can get tedious, but persevere.
As for telling someone about your problems, I wouldn't dive in and immediately tell someone everything, it would be too much in one go. If you met a chap you like and had a few dates it would be time to explain a little.
You probably will get rejected sometimes, it happens to everyone men as well as women, don't take it hard its part of normal life. Because of your childhood you are oversensitive to rejection but you will find there are men you meet who you reject, it works both ways.

Keep me posted. I'm nosy

Thank you. I'm feeling a bit better today.