I'm driving myself insane...

So, I recently learned that the possible reason I have OCD is due to my history of childhood abuse. This information inspires both relief and anger. I'm relieved because I know the origin of all my self-torment and I feel that through CBT I can start from the beginning and destroy the "plague" (yes, I feel like OCD is a plague) from the roots... but I'm angry because this could have been completely avoided in the first place had my abuser been incarcerated for domestic violance, thereby vanishing from my life. Either way, I can only focus on the former because the latter is not very realistic. In fact, the latter is almost impossible these days. It seems that I have a bit of "Stokholm Syndrom" with respect to my abuser. My abuser is my father, and I have a closer relationship with him now that I did previously and we both kind of ignore the past.

My OCD has manifested itself in a variety of ways. Some ways are more physically dangerous than others, but each one has been tormenting me for most of my life. My obsessions include:

- Cutting and self-inflicted wounds (I'll explain this in detail)
- Bulimia/annorexia
- HOCD (yep, I'm homophobic to a pathological degree)
- Sexual Obsessions
- Fear of having been or becoming a psychopath
- Fear of having been or becoming an abuser myself (<--- not necessarily an irrational fear)
- Fear of not loving my significant other enough
- Fear of not being loved by my significant other

My compulsions include:

- The constant desire to confess and find reconciliation for mistakes
- Using online and physical researching tools
- Urge to "come out," regardless of the disgust I feel towards homosexuality (HOCD)
- Fear of food, counting calories, urge to exercise/expell food (no sh!t, right?)
- Asking for significant other to repeat words of encouragement or affection
- Repeating words of encouragement or affection
- Mentally reviewing my past to disect and analyze specific events, fearing they may mean something greater
- Cutting myself again because the previous injury did not give me a mental/emotional "release." (I don't experience this compulsion anymore, luckily. I used to when I was an early teen. This one has never spiked since.)

The lists can go on, and on, and on... and on and on. But I don't think any one wants to read all of it. I guess, in the end of it all, I only feel more insane because I feel alone. I feel as though I'm trapped in my own head and I frequently experience headaches. I guess all I'm asking is: is there anybody else out there? Am I alone?

Yes we are here, i also have OCD.
Mostly sexual obsessions.

I also have a whole list of obsessions and compulsions.
I am also going insane, now o went to a pshychiatrist and she gave me medicatio
.
It takes a while untillthey work but they should help.

Maybe you should see a pshychiatrist aswell, she can give you meds and those can take te edge off.
Maybe a vacation isn't such a bad idea either, get some rest relax a bit.

And to answer your question, yes many people just like you are out there.

I cant speak for the abuse, i never experienced something like that so i wont talk about something here i don't have knowledge off.

Take care, mike