i think i have ocd pertaining to fear of being a pedo

First off I would like to apologize if my story gets long

I was just looking around the internet as usual after this ocd decided to jump into my mind, trying to prove myself that I am not a pedo. I'm not sure exactly when this problem started, but I think it was during June 2011 and college finished for me 3 weeks before June started. Now I want to admit I have seen explicit things on the internet while searching for 18+ porn. This actually happened a long time ago and all of a sudden it just hits me in the back of my head and makes me blind. The whole summer i had a fear of becoming a pedo and i still have that fear as I speak. During the summer though while I watched tv I would mute it and lay back on the sofa facing the ceiling telling myself "you're not a pedophile" a couple of times over and over again. Same thing if I chat with my friends on my computer, I face my head down with my arms crossed on the desk and close my eyes and tell myself "you're not a pedophile" a couple of times over.

I also did the same thing while i took a shower. When I turned off the shower, I would sit down on my legs crossing my arms around myself and telling myself the same thing. I would spend maybe 10-15 minutes just sitting there wet and cold telling myself i wasn't a pedo. I don't do these things anymore. Now it's just intrusive thoughts that randomly penetrate my mind in lonely situations. There was a wedding I had attended in July and there were a lot of my baby cousins around. They were all cuties and nothing bad came into my mind. Later I saw more kids at the church...once again nothing bad..they were just adorable. I would never do anything to hurt a kid because we were all once kids and hurting a kid that is younger than you would be in turn hurting yourself. However I will admit some girls that were 16 and older that I saw were pretty. This gave me some comfort because I am 18 and it was alright.

I don't have these intrusive thoughts when I am busy or around friends, just when I am sitting around doing nothing I guess. I self diagnosed myself with ocd after doing some research. I looked for the psychiatric definition of a pedophile and it clearly wasn't me. I then looked for people that have fear of becoming a pedophile. I was surprised to see I wasn't the only one suffering from this ######6 filth dark spirit floating about my mind. I am a great student in college, dont have a criminal record, nothing on my driving record, and never did drugs.

I just want to get peoples opinions and beliefs on this subject matter. I am not sure if I am in a state of depression or just anxious/fearful. I also want to end my porn addiction, I believe it might be the underlying cause for these intrusive thoughts. I am afraid that because of this addiction I will have to become celibate and isolate myself for fear that if I ever do get married I will get bored with my wife and go back to porn. I know I'm going to hell for all the $#%^ I did in life. Lying, stealing, cheating, watching porn, thinking nasty thoughts in high school about girls my age at the time (17)....etc..

I would like some help, but a therapist is out of the question as I have no money, no job, and I don't trust my parents with anything.

i dont have much time so i read it fast and skipped soem parts.
but for the last thing, i tink it is normal to think of girls of your own age while mastrubating, i mean its logic that you want sex with them and not girls 10 years olden then you.

also i'm 16 and i talk about mastrubating and things alot, and i heard from different people that they mostly think of girls they know of their age.
also i ahve a sister and i know she mastrubates to a boy she knows ( so also her age)

gtg now so bye and good luck

ps: i've done stupid things in my life too, i think thats the point, learning from your mistakes that you made when you were a child or a puberscent

Thanks for your support Michael and I agree the past is the past and I have to move on with my life. I shouldn't let the past hold me back.

Dude, i have the same fear, and believe me alot of people do, mainly all males. Just not everyone lets it bother them as much as people with OCD. Its funny how similar your situation is to me im 24 and started getting this intense fear about molestors and wondering if i could just become a pedo or end up like that a couple years ago. Like you i find it bothers me the most when i isolate myself and subsides the most when i am occupied, talking to people regularly, and forcing myself into public places where i will see kids. I had such an intense fear built up about this, last april my sister was married and i had to walk down the isle with my 10 year old niece, i had worked up such a fear about this that during the rehearsel when i went to grab her hand to walk down the isle i seriously felt like i was feeling the precursers to having a seizure. Lately i have been taking vicodin to help deal with my ocd, and it has helped me not focus so much on it or worry so much about it. I dont like ssris and my belief is that if im gonna take drugs i might as well take something that works immediatly, of course i know of the abuse potential but vicodin is much safer than other opiates like oxycontin. the weird thing about all this is it all started from intrusive thoughts and the more i let them bother me and the more i stayed ALONE the worse it got. Im not attracted to kids and have even worked as a counselor with little boys when i was 16 but the funny thing was i didnt even worry about this back then cause i was young and ignorant and didnt even really know about evil basterds like that. Its weird ya know everyone is slightly attracted to children and has even had a sexual thought about one occasionally, but the thing is most people without ocd dont cling on to these thoughts with fear they let them pass. There was a study done that measured males of different ages penial reactions to images of females of every age group and they found that most males do indeed have a slight reaction to small girls. NOW that dosent mean that they have any desire to act on this or even really consider the thought much more than that. Most people are disqusted and appaled by this side of themselves and get occupied with other things in their lives and eventually forget about it. Now pedos are another story, i am trying to take more psychology classes because if i could answer the question as to why they act on these thoughts and what causes them to becom like this. Here is a link to this study, also check out robert lindsays forums on here i found alot of peoples discussions on their helped me and made me feel beter (ccoso.org/newsletter/whymolest.html) im glad to hear you are going through something similar not because your experiencing it but because im glad im not alone and that im not becoming a pedo and that people with this problem never do anything of the sort. please right me back!

my situation is similar to yours, however, my mind is a gazillion times more f**ked than yours.
I have a porn addiction and I am recovering because I am serious about quitting, however, I have HOCD and POCD, so yes I am screwed...

Im 17 and around 4 months back, I did something ######6 stupid and I messed up bad.

I have been watching porn since I was 11( long time) and I haven't had a
girlfriend yet; I am Indian. I have been using and I have seen almost all
kinds of porn, and some really extreme kinds; like pretty ###$ up stuff,
cause naked breasts just wouldn't do anything. I joined this program online
called the fortify program 8 months ago, and I made some progress; however, I
caved in and I started to binge as I was able to hack the password to the Web
Protection my parents installed on my devices

I really wanted to stop;

The worst ######6 part is I started to think I was gay (HOCD) cause I saw a lot of
deepthroat porn and there were only penises in that so I thought i was gay; I
felt so ######6 anxious and wierd around my mates, that I started to lose my
friends and I spoke to one of my gay friends about it and he explained that
I should be open to all positbilites; this scared me even more.

I still have been coping with my HOCD and now I will tell you about the
'unforgivable' thing I did.

I have a tech savvy friend who introduced me to this thing called the tor
browser and this thing called the hidden wiki; there were all kinds of nasty
and illegal things there like drugs, prostitiutes, asassins for hire and
"child pornography". I was shocked to see all that stuff and disgusted but I
was extremely curious about this whole tor thing and the deep web.

Since, I was motivated to stop, I told me parents about my addiction, and I
helped them in installing proper restrictions which in my view didnt allow me
to watch porn, however I stil circumvented the restrictions and watched
occasionanally.

So, this one time when I was on the deep web thing, I came across this thing
called the tor twitter( I had heard about it on a youtube video about the
deep web) and I knew that it was a pedophile network but there was this kind
of thrill and curiosity about going there, and I did (###$!!!!) I saw all
these ugly sick depraved people post pictures of children and something in me
kept me scrolling. One demented sick asshole posted a link to a video site;
for some ###$ up reason, I went on that site and I watched a video...

Half way through, I stopped the video, it was a minute or two long but I
stopped it, and I shut my laptop. Something sank inside and I felt sad, I
dont know why..

I didnt masturbate to it cause it was ###$ sick.

Next day, I was so depressed and guilty that I reported the site on child
porn agencies (two of them) and i told them about this tor twitter thing and
how to reach it and seize it.

For the next two days, I forgot about the whole thing but after that, I would
see that small girls image in my head and it would flash in my head; that
image made me so depressed and anxious that I cant even begin to explain.

Since the last 3 months, I have been having those flashes and whenever I see
a kid, I feel anxious, guilty and ashamed

One day when I came back home, I told my mom about my sin, and she said that
when you do something like this the first time, its a mistake, second time
foolishness and third time a sin.

I was fine for a day or two after the walk and I havent been on tor since
that night but the anxiety and the images kept returned.

I know I am not a sick pedophile cause this has been happening since that
######6 ugly night of my life.


I thought that reporting the sites would take away the guilt and shame away,
but it didnt do $#%^; I asked my parents if I can volunteer at UNICEF or some
NGO to make amends or do something to feel better; I dont know.

I feel that my 'mistake' is also getting in the way of my tennis performance
and social life.

HappinessLove789 wrote:Dude, i have the same fear, and believe me alot of people do, mainly all males. Just not everyone lets it bother them as much as people with OCD. Its funny how similar your situation is to me im 24 and started getting this intense fear about molestors and wondering if i could just become a pedo or end up like that a couple years ago. Like you i find it bothers me the most when i isolate myself and subsides the most when i am occupied, talking to people regularly, and forcing myself into public places where i will see kids. I had such an intense fear built up about this, last april my sister was married and i had to walk down the isle with my 10 year old niece, i had worked up such a fear about this that during the rehearsel when i went to grab her hand to walk down the isle i seriously felt like i was feeling the precursers to having a seizure. Lately i have been taking vicodin to help deal with my ocd, and it has helped me not focus so much on it or worry so much about it. I dont like ssris and my belief is that if im gonna take drugs i might as well take something that works immediatly, of course i know of the abuse potential but vicodin is much safer than other opiates like oxycontin. the weird thing about all this is it all started from intrusive thoughts and the more i let them bother me and the more i stayed ALONE the worse it got. Im not attracted to kids and have even worked as a counselor with little boys when i was 16 but the funny thing was i didnt even worry about this back then cause i was young and ignorant and didnt even really know about evil basterds like that. Its weird ya know everyone is slightly attracted to children and has even had a sexual thought about one occasionally, but the thing is most people without ocd dont cling on to these thoughts with fear they let them pass. There was a study done that measured males of different ages penial reactions to images of females of every age group and they found that most males do indeed have a slight reaction to small girls. NOW that dosent mean that they have any desire to act on this or even really consider the thought much more than that. Most people are disqusted and appaled by this side of themselves and get occupied with other things in their lives and eventually forget about it. Now pedos are another story, i am trying to take more psychology classes because if i could answer the question as to why they act on these thoughts and what causes them to becom like this. Here is a link to this study, also check out robert lindsays forums on here i found alot of peoples discussions on their helped me and made me feel beter (ccoso.org/newsletter/whymolest.html) im glad to hear you are going through something similar not because your experiencing it but because im glad im not alone and that im not becoming a pedo and that people with this problem never do anything of the sort. please right me back!

You're not alone. I did the exact same thing, I wasn't intentionally looking up that sick junk. It looked like a regular website (that's seems how they hide all this dark content. Sick people) and I reported it. Do not worry, my friend. Like I said you are not alone.