is this ocd?

ive been diagnosed when i was a child for bipolar psychotic, manic depression, insomnia and ocd tendencies. i havent seen a regular therapist for years. every doctor agreed that i needed no medication for bipolar psychotic, i learned how to tune out the voices and either snap myself out of the hallucinations or stop them before they start. but the extreme fear of everything never left and never got better. even though my entire family is bipolar, i never once acted like it. ive always been one mood, numb with a smile on my face. the insomnia has been better for several years now, unmedicated. i never believed that i was depressed since i never felt depressed, well i never really felt anything. thats not completely true, i feel emotions but they are small peices of what i should feel and dont come often. even anger was difficult for me to feel. so naturally i was a cutter as a kid, i havent cut for four or five years now. i ran away from home and did a bunch of stupid things when i was running from the best family i could have ever asked for. well half of them anyway. my mother was abusive and my step dad was never very close to me. my stepmom and my dad, the main ones i lived with, are the coolest most understanding hippy parents. they are all of my friends adoptive parents. ive gotten off topic. now for years i would stay my numbed self pretending my way through life. i always kept a smile on my face whether i felt like smiling or not. i had big dreams but no motivation to do anything to get there. i was brilliant yet i feel like ive grown dumb and more detatched from reality. i find myself on autodrive more and more, which is where im talking to someone seeming normal or doing any task in general and im reall zoned in a place i call sarahtopia. nothing happens there, no delusions, im just empty space not realizing im talking or moving until i snap out and have to pretend i know whats going on so i dont seem crazy. this can happen at anytime with no warning, even while driving. ive never been happy with the way i live but ive kept it to myself until this year. i opened up to my friends and family and since ive hidden it all my life they wouldnt believe me. they just keep repeating that im sane and functional. of course im sane and funcional but not the way a normal human being should be. the past four months have been the worst for me. ive gone through my 3rd rape, my second misscariage, major depression, my car has a rod knocking, im broke, my boyfriends an asshole half the time, my mom is bipolar and breaks my things for no reason in her little fits, my job takes me for granted, i havent seen my friends in months and they only live 20 minutes away, i do nothing but work and sleep now. the psychotic thoughts have gotten worse, and instead of just telling myself to ignore them and hide them ive started acting on them. not in any dangerous ways, mainly in annoyance ways. i cant retain new or old memories/ information. i ask questions repeatedly and cant stop, sometimes because i didnt know id already asked and gotten the answer and sometimes because no one would answer, it kills me if im not answered. ive been extremely angry and irritable when ive never been this way before. the anxiety finally shows on the outside what i feel on the inside. i rearrage the paperclips at work every day and if one is moved or messed up alltogether then i sit there until its fixed, all of my coworkers make fun of this. i have the most organized/cleanest room in the entire daycare. (im a daycare teacher). i can keep myself from doing certain rituals like cleaning every bit of fuzz out of hairbrushes or velcro if i dont look at it....but i know its there and my mind doesnt wander from thinking on it easily or for long. i assume i run every red light when i know its green, i stare at it for that very reason knowing that im going to think ive run it. but once i cant see the light i cant remember if it was green or if i was looking....but i know i looked and i know i wouldnt have kept going if it was red.
My compulsions

I smell cups before I use them
I have to crack my fingers. Every so often, I get this weird feeling that they need to be cracked, and if I don't do it, I get extremely anxious
If I have a to-do list, and I do something that's not on the list, I add it and then immediately cross it off.
I check my pockets every few minutes to make sure I haven’t lost anything
I knock on wood constantly when talking about certain subjects
I eat my burgers in circles and sandwiches in squares
I have one set meal at every restaurant that I ALWAYS eat and in a certain way and order, on the rare occasion that its different I’m bothered by it the entire time.
Start with the things I like least then savor my favorite at the end
Sometimes when I look at something or touch it, it makes me itch. as if I was the object and I have an itch, and so I always try to scratch it
When I'm writing, and have to go back over letters and fix the imperfections.
Urge to press my fingers into corners or along edges of objects
I always have to check the shower before I go the bathroom to make sure nobody is hiding in there.
Cameras need to be pointed away from me when they're not in use.
My iTunes/iPod has to be perfectly organized, spelled correctly
Checking my boyfriend’s messages to make sure he’s not lying
If someone is angry I always assume I've done something wrong
Rubbing my eyes constantly
Horrific thoughts of bad things happening to people
Sniffing, snorting, nose blowing and coughing are things I can't stand
If I fix a problem, something else shows up
I am a safe driver and can drive just fine. But if I don't drive all the time (like every day) I am not exposed to it enough

i know theres more but its taken me a long time to remember what i do rather than just do it. i dont care about germs, in fact i love mud and all things dirty, my parents used to be crustys, ive been a dirty travel kid, all my friends are dirty travel kids, except a few. im perfectly ok with less hygene. i shower when i have the time to do it since i work 12 hours and come home to chores every day. so it comes out to showering every 3 to 4 days, i brush my teeth once a day, i never clean my nails or paint them for that matter, my hair almost never gets brushed anymore, ill drink after just about anyone.....depending. i love getting dirty (raised in a caving outdoors family on all four sides). i keep my room picked up but its only clean one day out of every week so i just try not to look at the mess until i have the time to work on it. im constantly counting and checking but i could care less about even or odd numbers, i like odd better, anything unlucky is better than anything lucky. i step on cracks mainly when im walking on a sidewalk and count how mant times in a regular stride i pass cracks without naturally touching them. im driving my family and coworkers crazy and yet still they say im sane and im just faking it. my boyfriend says im obsessed with talking about what could be wrong and all the diseases i possibly have. ive done extensive research to figure it out on my own before going back to a doctor so as to aid the doctor more. and my stepmom and dad are the only ones that think the research is a smart idea. there are 26 diseases on my list of possibilitys, some of which are obvious no's like dementia and are on it because i have dementia like symtoms. but after talking to my aunt who is severely ocd its seemed its not a million things wrong but one main thing, she told me ive always acted ocd even as a child and she knew i would be this way, i expleained everything to her and its exactly as she is except shes a germaphob and im not. she counts aloud and i do not. i feel relieved to think that its only ocd, but if this is so, then i feel for anyone with this disorder because i feel like giving up on trying to live everyday since i was a child because of all this. im glad that soon ill be working towards making it all better, but this is the only life ive ever know, this dissasociative mix up between reality and sarahtopia. i wonder what normal really is.

Presumably the peculiar compulsions are the "OCD tendencies" in your diagnosis, but I'm sure the the detached or dissociated feeling is something else, or possibly a secondary symptom from the stress of living with OCD. Since I have OCD with ADD tendencies, I'm especially prone to daydreaming and distraction, but I rarely think about nothing (correct me if I'm wrong, but I assume that's what you mean by "just empty space") unless I'm malnourished or sleep-deprived, and even then I usually have to be doing or experiencing something repetitive to be affected that way. Could your repetitive behaviors be lulling you into that state?

Is it possible that your detachment from reality and lack of strong emotions could be a defense mechanism against the emotional pain that comes from swinging from mania to depression and from traumatic experiences like abuse and rape? Do you think if you had stronger emotions, you might not feel like giving up on life, and might be less preoccupied with little things like paperclips and fuzz? I find that my littlest, most annoying compulsions hardly trouble me at all when I'm feeling truly passionate about what I do (passionate, not addicted or worried).

If working all day every day is dragging you down, you might try setting aside an hour or so each evening to unwind and do something you'd like to do just for its own sake, like reading or crafting,...or maybe tending a garden (indoor if you currently own no land), since you like to play in the dirt.

You say you've researched diseases that could be cause. Have you looked at nutritional deficiencies? I think severe zinc deficiency tends to make a person lose touch with the here and now and also makes emotions less intense. I'm guessing lack of sunlight isn't the problem, since you say you've had this since childhood though you spent a lot of time outdoors.

the repetitive behaviors make me think too much, racing thoughts, sometimes repeating sentences and words to the point of driving me crazy, jumping from thought to thought without finishing the first thought and even triggering the paranoid thoughts. but just about anything can trigger paranoia for me. i feel different on different days almost like a whole new personality. some days i wake up and I'm superwoman, i love myself deeply and I'm just wondrously happy. other days i wake up and feel like crying all day for no reason but i suck it up and work my best to get past it. other days I'm scared to even leave my house, which i suck it up and get out and do something for me, do something or see someone that i love and the entire time i wish I'm at the house curled up with a movie feeling bad, but i know that's not whats going to happen if i go home, those are the days i feel the emptiest. Ive tried eating better, i give myself as much time as i can each day to relax in peace with a book or a painting, but getting myself to want to do anything is difficult. the emptiness is several different things, unable to pay attention even when i care whats being said and done, i cant make eye contact for long so that's probably how that came about, i cant think in a conversation to be able to reply once again even if i care whats being said. my emotions feel empty, i daydream as well, and I'm constantly zoning out, ill seem normal to most people and could even carry a conversation....so Ive been told but once i snap out of it i wont remember a thing, its not just a daily occurrence its a constant daily occurrence. Ive been this way ever since i can remember, which honestly isn't far. the latest all my problems could have started would have been 8, the year of my first rape. but i feel like Ive worked through that and it shouldn't be the cause of it. I'm to the point where giving up on trying to live seems like a sweet deal, which tortures me even more because i believe so strongly that any life is better than no life and to never give up on making it better. so knowing myself, my life is in no danger but my sanity is torn between my beliefs and my feelings.

That's probably your mood disorder(s) at work. I can relate to this in particular...

the repetitive behaviors make me think too much,

except that I would say my repetitive behaviors allow me to think too much because the behaviors themselves require little thought. Sometimes when I'm alone, I sing to myself while I work; the rhythm helps me to focus on what I'm doing.

but getting myself to want to do anything is difficult....unable to pay attention even when i care whats being said and done

This has become a problem for me, too. It's as if I know fully well what's important to me, but I don't feel it, which gives me difficulty finding the motivation to do what I should. Often I have to force myself to start on a task and hope for inertia to carry me to the end.

Have you tried things like these?

It sounds very much like OCD, maybe with some secondary mood disorder.

Have you tried going to a therapist? The standard treatment for OCD is Cognitive behavior therapy and medication. A combination of both works best.

If you had child onset OCD (like I did), and they put you on a medication that works you will feel so much better. As soon as I started medication my life changed around completely. Sometimes there is a biological cause to certain psychological disorders. If you treat the disease, your life gets better. It certainly isn't a cure but it does make things easier for you.

My OCD symptoms include:
I can't wash dishes without gloves. Dishes are disgusting. Funny since I eat off of them all the time!
The sink drain is really gross. I can't touch that without gloves either
Driving scares the daylights out of me. I had to take my drivers exam 3 times because I froze up during it.
repetitive question asking and looking for reassurance (double checking to make sure things are okay)
Double checking that the door is locked, the gate is locked, that the doors in the house are kept closed. Sometimes i will get out of bed and go touch the door again. I have to know it is securely closed and that I can't push it open.
Double checking on my pets. I have to know everyone is okay before I go to bed. Even if I just checked on them an hour ago.
I had as in HAD to have all A's. Papers had to be done until I was satisfied they were perfect. Later on I started rewarding myself for getting B's and C's as that meant I was not obsessing about schoolwork.
I'm sure there are many other things I do that are OCD related. I also have generalized anxiety disorder which sometimes is more of a problem then the OCD. My OCD tends to evolve. As soon as I get rid of one OCD related behavior something else pops up. The good news is it is more controllable as long as I am on my medications. As long as I am on my meds I am great... At least that is what i keep telling myself...

i go to my evaluation at mental health in a few hours. im actually excited about it. ill finally start the process of getting my life back.

How was it? Are you seeing a new psych now?

i wont see the psychiatrist until oct. 12th so no official diagnosis yet but the personal opinion is bipolar 1 severe with psychosis, some type of personality disorder(possible did), possible anxiety disorder. the ocd like symptoms could be actual ocd or coming out as a coping mechanism for everything else. the personal stress is worse this week but im still releived to start the process of reabilitation into society( might be the wrong word to use for that). something as simple as changing my hours where i get two extra hours of sleep would help greatly but no, because im the bosses daughter i get worked to death for less money.

I didn't know your boss was your...parent (mother or father?) but I know how stressful it can be to feel that you can't leave your home troubles at home when you go to work, or the reverse. And sometimes people who feel overwhelmed try to relieve their stress by focusing on little things like dusting corners and searching for minor errors, so I can see how it may be just a coping mechanism.

Hope you hold out until October. In the meantime, you can always come here for more anxiety tips.

You've been through rough times. I hope you will get a good diagnosis. I'm interested if it turn out to be real ocd or not. But I don't get this sentence:

my stepmom and my dad, the main ones i lived with, are the coolest most understanding hippy parents.

But is your father your boss? Or your mother?

Horrific thoughts of bad things happening to people

Are thoughts like this the reason for your compulsions? Do you think your compulsions prevent this from happening?