This is slowly tearing me apart: Do I have HOCD?

Hello. Note, I am not looking for attention or anything I am just really desperate.

I am 17 years old, soon to be 18. I am a male and I think I am suffering from severe HOCD. This has been happening since last december, however I got over it without even knowing how. Not it has come back full force and has been lasting for about 3 weeks. It has even ruined my spring break to NY City.

For my whole life I have LOVED girls; dreamt about girls, lusted about girls, wanted to have sex with girls, jacked off to str8 and lesbian porn. Although I do admit, only a COUPLE times have I got off to gay thoughts. however my whole life has been about girls. I have never dated as Ive always been shy, not lack of interest. I always got aroused however when girls hugged me, or when me and my immature friends back in grade 9 used to grab girls assess etc... Me and my friends would always jokingly act gay, slap each others butts in the change room but it was purely a joke, I got NO pleasure from this. I twas just guy stuff


Then HOCD came. I don;t know what triggered it. I think it was by me readign a story of someone coming out and my friend telling me I was gay and I cant change the way I am because I said something to him... Since 3 weeks ago it has been the only thing on my mind. I cant study, eat, jog, go to work because I am always thinking about "what if I am gay" "does this guy have a nice ass" etc. For example when I see a guy I will for some reason look at his ass or crotch then see if I get aroused. if I get a slight tingle I will panic. This whole time it's just been depression, obesseive thoughts and mood swings. I avoid looking at men because Im afraid of getting aroused and I am scared or losing my attraction for women. As I said I've always been attracted to girls, but since it started I just cant get that feeling back.

My mind will often put these false images in my head. These images and thoughts are UNWANTED. although I dont wanna throw up as many who have this do when I think of slamming another man, it still is weird, disturbing and unwanted. I don't understand how this can happen to me. I know its bad, but I often come to sites like this for reassurance, and watch porn with women and men having sex just to keep my old feelings.

One characteristic of gay people is fear of coming out. I have told my parents, couple close friends, my docotr and my aunt. They have all given me good adivce such as "if i was gay, i would know" "if i was gay i would truly want men" "i would enjoy these thoughts" and that my body is going through hormonal changes. This made me feel good for about 3 days but it all came back. I told them because Its a problem and I dont think im gay. If I was, I would fear telling my dad this because he hates homosexuals.

Im goign to a psychiatrist next week, hopefully I will get medication and treatment or something. Its really taking over my life. I would not wish this on my worst enemy. I have really been contemplating suicide, mostly at the thought of me discovering somehow that I am gay or turning gay. however it is my family and their reaction that is stopping me. I have re discovered God about 2 years ago, prayed every night and still keep my faith in him to help me get through this. It is really horrible. I cry every night about this problem.

Hi, Whiphoze! Other people have come here with worries that they might be gay or that they have done something bad to someone, sexually, even. It's the OCD. Try to focus on the help you will get from your psych, think about that.