Whats it all mean

I know it's not a good idea to start self diagnosing with any medical term I could look up or read about or have the telavision trying to convence me of or think up, denial kinda dose that and not likeing tv ad's. I have this obcession with computers which has gone on for years, basicly hours re-installing an operateing system\systems to the point of serious lack of sleep. I read today in a forum some one admitting to having o.c.d reinstalling an operateing system 50+ times on there computer thinking it shocking, the thing is i've reinstalled operateing sytems hundreds of times on many many computers.. for absolutely no reason. There is personal internal drive to keep doing this, passing out many times and evan comeing to tears at times from the sheer drive to do it just being *ahh!!*. Any way's you all tell me whats it all mean, or ask questions.. or any thing at all. words problebly wont fix any thing but i'm wanting to talk about it. *want* < the dislikeable word of jason.

i'm really forgetfull, donno if i wrote this yesterday or lastnight or today but it must have been yesterday. right after i wrote this i was thinking oh.. this aint a problem why did i type about it.. then the the most ironic thing happend> i literaly ran in the restroom coughing like the throwing up urge after hours configureing this operateing system then just going wild screwed all my configuration efforts.. made me really sick. i mean i'm on the computer doing mundane repatitious constantly, when i should be spending time with others whick i'm trying to do but torn between everything going on with me. bla bla.. may be some one will reply soon.

i was going to delete this but why not just share whats going on instead. the only word i can think of is *###$* and i never say that word, overwelmed basicly. i find it funny to get zero replys like i'm spam, no i get that alone feeling. ever just thought about how pointless things really are just soo much that you have no push to move on and just want to die. i'm sick of typeing things out online. i dont evan like getting on here to see if any one will talk over the messenger any more. all i do is mess with computers or play video games to the point of tears and fatigue, i have no life.. cant talk with evan my cousin the closeist person i could ever think up we just laugh when he's here i just cant talk it gets akward im just this empty thing that wastes away on electronics and barely gos outside any more im just empty zero nothing and sick of my self. i look around and all people want to do is find a mate and all i do is watch the world go by soo predictable there is no thing exiteing any more. every bodys just killing each other and im turning into that uncle i knew when i was young then forgot um as we all grew older. im sick of how minipulative i am, theres all ways a reason in my head for any action i take.. there has to be evan if it seems just being nice i know im trying to get some thing out of it like every person dose. i think i just hate being human. i laugh when people insault me, may be thts why they enjoy doing it soo often. my typeing looks like puke its just going to go away with time then im going to die one day and rot and be forgotten like every body else has been doing for millions of years, what a puke future. aint much to say out of my mouth but i sure do gripe in this typeing crap an awfull lot. ive cried at night and evan while people are over some times just because i dont know how to talk, the only time i feel close is when me any my cousin are laughing about goofy stuff

I'm sorry, I meant to reply a few days ago... I've felt rather brain dead for the last few weeks.

Maybe reinstalling it over and over again makes you feel like you're starting over? Or like you're getting rid of the bad stuff? If you feel like you need to change or erase something wrong in your life, maybe this is your way of taking a little bit of control. It doesn't actually fix the real problems, but it might make you feel like you have some power over what happens... you're controlling the computer, instead of what's really bothering you. Then of course, since you aren't fixing what's really bothering you, you have to repeat the installation over and over again, just to get a bit of relief/feeling of control. OCD's annoying like that

Jason Raub wrote:im sick of how minipulative i am, theres all ways a reason in my head for any action i take.. there has to be evan if it seems just being nice i know im trying to get some thing out of it like every person dose.

I don't think that makes you manipulative. Everyone does it, and it's not usually in a mean way. If you want someone to do something nice for you (even if it's just them not causing trouble for you), you have to be nice. I think it's a good thing, because how would the world be if we weren't that way? I don't think it'd work, at all.

Things really aren't as grim as you see them, right now. I really think it's the depression that's making you see everything in such a bad light I know it doesn't seem like it, but I think you're going to be okay.

Thank's for replying canolime, i'm not diagnosed with o.c.d & this is a vary late reply. Seem's to me like every post I make on here (just to be spicific) this website is like this stopper and every one quits replying were ever I post. I don't have friend's, I have an obcession with computers evan when it's nice out i'm just wasteing away in front of some monitor trying to figure out ms-dos commands or setting up one of the many operateing systems never finding that perfect setup it's never right. I have a learning problem & I don't care who say's I don't because *I DO* and i'm missorable I can't learn things like others can it has taken me years trying to learn things others would learn in a few days.. i think it's my bad memory. i'm seriously scared one day i might wake up with amniesa and not know any thing. wish disability were an option but i'm not worth it according to the government, i cant work around people but they just keep pushing me to go get another job. they don't know how hard it really is on me and who should care but me?? go get a job jason bla.. bla.. and i'm to ashamed to admit being ill so i lie or make up some crap to get them to stop asking. who cares i just wanted to type this crap out my back hurts slunched over this laptop computer.

I really don't understand why some people just don't get replies I've known a few people on here, who that happens to.

Most disability claims are denied, the first few times. You usually need to go appeal the case. It doesn't mean you're not worth it. You should keep trying.

Jason Raub wrote:i'm seriously scared one day i might wake up with amniesa and not know any thing.

I don't think that will happen. I really think the bad memory is from depression and depersonalization... I don't think you can completely lose your memory, from either of those.

Jason Raub wrote:who cares

I care.

I can tell you do care Canolime, thank you. Most what I talk about on here i'm ashamed that I evan said any thing, know what I mean? not some thing I would want any family member to read.

Jason Raub wrote:Most what I talk about on here i'm ashamed that I evan said any thing, know what I mean? not some thing I would want any family member to read.

Well, I know what you mean, because I'm usually the same way when I post about myself, but I really don't think you have anything to be ashamed of. There are tons of posts all over this site, where people just talk about their problems. You're definitely not the only person who needs to talk about those kind of things. It's healthy to talk about it, and you're trying to get help at the same time... I think that's a good thing.

And I'm sure most members on here wouldn't want their family to read what they write, either.

I know every body thinks I'm a fraud or a spammer & I really don't give a flip, sure it bothers me sharing some thing just to see I'm more alone than first thought but why say any more than that. I'm just getting worse Canolime & no thing is going to change that, talking about it solves no thing and if i told any one around here it would either be an over reaction or blown off or laughed at or pulling the niece & nephews away from me then leading to no one coming to visit because I'm too weird. My cousin visits here some times just to see me and my brother, my older brother used to come over with my nephew and one time he couldn't bring my nephew over because his wife found a web page i wrote stuff out on and was to scared for the kid to be around me (deleted the page quickly) I mean no one really get's it and I shared some thing I shouldn't have with my other older brother and it's a wounder he still lets me see his two kids my niece & nephew after the crap i shared.. i still have this fear though that I'm not trusted. oh well.

Jason Raub wrote:I know every body thinks I'm a fraud or a spammer

Why would anyone think that?


I know it seems like nothing is going to change, but that can''t be true. Something has to change... you just have to hold on and do what you can. You're right that talking doesn't solve anything, but talking about it does help keep it from building up inside.

Jason Raub wrote:he couldn't bring my nephew over because his wife found a web page i wrote stuff out on and was to scared for the kid to be around me (deleted the page quickly)

Did she have good reason to be scared?


I don't think you're weird, Jason. I really don't.