Help Pure "O" Feel like it is changing me

Thanks Seth. I am very sorry for what you are going through. OCD went through all my loved ones like a tornado. It went through my girlfriend at the time, too. I felt true despair in those days, and suffered the same confusion of thoughts and emotions. I remember sitting on the bed one night asking myself why my brain hated me so, that it would take away everything I loved.

I looked at your post again, and I didn't see anything about getting some support (therapy, Psych, etc). Are you?

Part of the nastiness of OCD is that it sends us on a journey to try and find the magical answer that will cure everything. That is why so many people "check". They also spend all their time educating themselves. Sometimes the education can help and sometimes is can hurt.

When we try to look for the answers in our thoughts or try to figure out what is real fear, what is the OCD and what and why we are having these thoughts and emotions to begin with, 99% of the time we are doomed to go in circles, or as you said, that "vicious cycle". And even if we can find a solution for one problem, the OCD jumps on to something new.

You're not alone in this. Almost all of the people who post in this forum suffer the same things. Someone might put a different spin on it, someone might have a flavor of OCD, but it's all anxiety in the end.

That is why support can really help. Support will not go in a vicious cycle with you. It's something outside of that vicious cycle.

I hope you take some actions along those lines mate. Don't go it alone. You love your mum. That is the real you. The OCD is confusing the issue and can cause a complex game to be played so you don't find that truth.

good luck,

Otter.

Seth I am exactly the same. I don't exactly fear the thoughts as such but I fear the intrusive arousal that I suffer from in terms of POCD and even incest OCD in the past. My drive is so active that practically anything related to something sexual sets off a response in my groin. If I had the thoughts without the arousal I could get over the thoughts a lot easier, but because the arousal is so intense I'm questioning everything, but the truth is, the arousal is intense because I fight it so much. I too have put intrusive thoughts and images in my head on purpose (re-played them) just to see how my body reacts, and if I get aroused again. It's rare for me to not feel aroused, but when I re-play the image and don't feel aroused, it's the best feeling in the world.

I've been suffering with paedophile OCD on and off for years, about 7 years at least. I used to work with kids and babysit them. There was no desire for them or anything like that, but often the OCD has tricked me into believing that these are desires. even though I hate the thoughts and I am continuing to suffer. I've been set homework assignments to look at pictures of kids on the internet in bathing suits, but I am resisting because I don't want that intense arousal feeling. I also understand what you say about thrills too. I've had a thrill feeling in my chest when I thought about visiting the Paraphillia forum here, but I hate and am afraid of paedophiles, so it makes no sense for me to go there. I went there once a couple of months ago and got frightened just reading the post titles on the main page. I think it's in relation to a morbid curiosity.

May I ask one, or both of you -

how do you not fear a thought, but fear the repercussions of that thought?

it is true that one can feel raw fear without a thought. when I have panic attacks, there is no thought-trigger, i just feel like i am going out of my mind. one can also feel raw arousal. I have had plenty of feelings of "being in the mood" without words or ideas trigger it. you can have raw feelings of anxiety too.

but without thoughts, we really couldn't say we have POCD or HOCD. POCD or HOCD is defined by words/thoughts.

it seems to me like we are trying to peel a grape and insist that the peel isn't the point. I think they (thoughts and emotion) are connected as one, even if we can define the peel from the meat of the grape.

i'd love to hear your thoughts.

otter.

Sorry guys I re-edited and added more to my post like 3 times, I didnt see page 2 and didnt know you guys responded. I'm now going to read your replies. Please read my re-edit, thanks so much

I read the re-edit and I don't have much to add beyond what I wrote after the first draft... except this:

You wrote:

seth79 wrote:I don't fear committing these thoughts of harm. I only fear a part of me does not love my mother and wanting her to die. I really love her so much...

In the OCD world, you have summarized your problem in the quote above. The first sentence is the truth. The third sentence is the truth. The second sentence is the OCD. The third/first sentence and the second sentence contradict each other. Everything else in your post is the battle between this contradiction.

If you really wanted you mum hurt or dead, and you did not love her, the first and third sentence would not express themselves, and you certainly wouldn't be fighting over this. OCD is wicked in it's ability to make someone exist with contradicting thoughts and feelings and then making us fight endlessly to figure out the truth.

otter.

I have to go somewhere but I will respond to both your posts when I get back.

I really appreciate talking to you guys. Be back soon.

Hi Otter, thanks for your reply.

When this first started, yes I did fear the thoughts, absolutely. I woke up every morning and immediately my thought was "oh god, another day of hell." And sure enough the thoughts came flooding in. "You want to molest a child, you want to dump your boyfriend, you are a lesbian!"

The cycle, for me, goes something like this.

Intrusive thought/image/urge ---> Instant arousal (I don't even have time to think about the content, if it's related to something sexual, there is immediate arousal) -------> discomfort and upset feelings, and often tense my right thigh in a bid to end the arousal/fighting the arousal off, which usually ends up amplifying it.

See a child on TV/in public -------> Instant arousal, it works the same as above. I don't even have time to think -------> compulsion would be to have the discomfort feelings, then look away from the TV, tense right thigh again in a bid to fight it off, perhaps pick up phone and check facebook or play a game or something that will try and shift the arousal.

Otter, you're absolutely right, that the emotions cannot come without first having thoughts or images or urges. What I am saying is, if I had these thoughts and images and urges, and NOT the physical response of arousal, or a feeling of excitement in my chest which occurs very infrequently as opposed to the arousal, then I'd be a lot better at shifting the thought process. The fact that there are physical responses in my body (in this case, arousal) I'd have an easier time dealing with it all.
I've had moments in my past where I've had urges to throw myself on the train tracks. I obviously didn't do this because the result would be death. When I was stood at the platform my body felt weird, like a real urge to jump off.

When I was about 4, we were riding in the car and I was sitting on my moms legs as we were driving. The window was open. I had one of those troll doll things with the colourful hair, real ugly looking things. I looked at the doll, and I looked at the window, and I had this urge to throw it out the window. Sure enough, I did, then I cried that I wanted to go back and get it, but I was told no. The consequence? I lost a very ugly troll doll.

Otter back to the thought process. My thoughts and images that are intrusive have not changed the theme. They are the same as when this first started out 3.5 months ago. When you get used to having something, the effect wears off. For me, I'm used to having these thoughts, so they no longer provoke as much anxiety or fear. Don't get me wrong, I still don't want them, and they still pop in every now and again, but because I'm so hung up on the arousal, my OCD uses that instead of the thoughts, because it knows that the arousal affects me much much more.

I feel like I'm really contradicting myself here, because I'm not even sure if I even have time to have a thought as such before the arousal comes in, so I'm now re-tracing my steps back. A couple of days ago I was left with my boyfriends nephew alone for 1.5 hours. We were sitting on the sofa watching planes. I had this thought/image of rubbing his leg (like I do my boyfriend). I got aroused. Then I felt dread, picked up my phone and played a game. He had his hand resting on the crotch of his trousers. Next came arousal. This is totally baffling, because my OCD has been attacking little girls.

I've had this same intrusive arousal before, in-fact, for as long as I can remember. When my parents used to **** in the next room, when my ex boyfriends sister used to **** in the next room, when I used to hear my Mom having phone ***, (we had thin walls). Anything that is related to sexual content, or the mere nature of it is sexual, as I said before, I don't even have time to think about the content or theme a lot of the time. I read a post with the title "beastiality" in this forum and got aroused, and that's outrageous because I've never even been interested in that. When I suffered with HOCD, I had intrusive arousal all around women. It was a nightmare. I catch myself looking at women on TV a lot, so force myself to look at the male on the TV instead when I realize I'm paying a lot of attention to a woman. Infact the reason why I look at women is because I envy their curvy figures flat stomachs and big chests. All things I don't have! Now I'm at the point where I can picture doing sexual things with a woman, and it doesn't provoke arousal really. Sometimes it might, but it doesn't bother me as much, because in the end I know that isn't what I want. Same with paedophillia. So because the words are associated with sexual things, I get aroused. Paedophile, molest, beastiality, incest, paraphillia, touch, play, fondle, porn.. all of those words ARE related to sexual content. Not only are they trigger words for me, but so are child, children and kid/kids.

I like your analogy of the grape. The OCD most definitely started out as thoughts, mine probably in relation to the lesbian paedophile that groomed me. "What if I turn out like her?" She is the reason behind my confused state. I guess I feel a lot of shame because at age 11 I found a lesbian porno and got aroused when I watched it, and so still feel that bit of shame now, then at 12 the paedophile came along and warped my mind further (at first I thought she was a boy my own age) and it feels comforting to know that I had assumed that at first.. because it breaks down the HOCD more that I have pure evidence of that time, in my memory, where she spoke to me, and unveiled her identity, and I immediately stopped being so friendly (until of course she manipulated me).

If I say like this... I get aroused when I think of others doing acts with other people, or on themselves, but when it comes to me doing the act (in my images or thoughts) the arousal NOW isn't as intense as it was 3 months ago when I first joined this site. I can tell you that the day I joined this site I was curled up on the sofa, wide eyed and crying for hours. Boyfriend said I looked so scared - and I was so scared. These intrusive thoughts and images had been growing and growing and my arousal was so high that I was drenched down below. (Here I am compulsively confessing). I feel so awful awful awful for having any of this.

All I've ever wanted is a family, a home, and a successful job, and happiness in life. I often sit here wondering why my head hates me so much to take away all that I love, (Otter I think I saw you post something similar). I've had that thought before of "why me?"

Through it all, people who want to kill their families, or molest children, or rape a woman/male, or steal, they spend time planning how they could get away with it. They don't feel remorse. They do not come and expose the in depth material of their emotions and thoughts and urges. They simply spend time saying "how can I get away with this?" I can openly say that my POCD got a lot worse in the last few years because;

1) I was accused at age 18 of being inappropriate to/with 12 year old girls. I was looking for babysitting opportunities so spoke to them to see if they had regular babysitters and if their parents needed someone as a babysitter. I worked with children in a nursery, so the way we got babysitting there was to bond with the child first, then speak to the parent about babysitting, so I used those skills outside of the workplace. That woman couldn't have been more wrong if she tried.
2) I lived in the UK - the worlds most paranoid country
3) The amount of paedophiles that have been exposed. One on my fave TV show, one of my favourite bands lead singer is a paedophile (so I deleted his album the day after I found that out), Jimmy Saville, these were people with good reputations, celebrities e.t.c. Also watching documentaries, Fred and Rose West e.t.c. I watched as they had no remorse for the people they raped and killed and buried.
4) I had a job where we had to be vigilant at all times. Working with children for 4 years. Back then the POCD wasn't as bad. Hardly any suffering then at all really. As I can remember I couldn't wait for my working week to finish so I could go and visit boyfriend and such. When babysitting for a friend I'd hurry the kids to go to sleep so I could watch a TV show and talk to boyfriend.

My level of guilt and conscience is SO unbelievably high. If I have hurt or upset anyone, I come close to tears. If someone tells me off, I cry. I'm super sensitive to hurting others and causing harm to others, or p***ing others off. I got thrown off of anxietyzone because they thought I'd committed acts of paedophillia and I went into a total meltdown. I was lucky to find this site where you can be so open and not be judged. If it wasn't for this site I'd probably be in the ground - no joke - 3 months ago I was so suicidal it was unbelievable.

Now I'll stop posting. Seth I'm sorry I've hijacked a bit. I hope something in here brings you peace though. You're not alone. My OCD themes jump from harm to HOCD to POCD to ROCD and even so much as being/feeling sick. (I have emetophobia - fear of vomiting) so every day for the last few days I've had intense nausea (all in my mind). It's all in our heads and if we stop fighting it, it will go away. We just have to try and stop fighting so hard...