I had OCD

this is the first time that I am posting about my history with OCD that I had when I was a teen, now I am 26, but back then, around 14-18 I did weird things like retake steps--- I would usually find a pattern on the floor like tile floor, I would try to skip every other square but didn't entirely do it cause it would of looked weird if I started hopping from square to square if the squares were really big, but the small ones, I always skipped every other one, if there was no pattern on the floor, I would create one in my head, and if I felt like I took the "wrong step" then I would get anxious, wrong step would be either considered a step I took that broke the pattern of what I wanted to do inside my head, or if I took a step the wrong way or if I had a negative feeling like lacking confidence, or if I had a negative thought, it's like I was superstitious of the consequences of what would happen, but I couldn't control it cause I got anxious. I washed my hands a lot, turned sink off, back on, about to leave, touch doorknob-- didn't feel right, have to start from beginning, use a lot of towels, Once I got caught doing this! at church, the door had a mirror and my mom and her friend who knew me well saw me from that mirror cause door was open a little, the lady asked me why I was doing that, but I couldn't help it, I didn't respond, I thought I was weird for behaving this way. I tried to act normal, so I turned the sink on, washed my hands and stepped out even though I left negative feelings behind.

One day I broke the pattern cause I got tired of re-taking steps, it wasn't taking too much time, and the opening and closing doors, touching doorknobs a certain way until I had a positive feeling or thought that it was okay to close the door, I forced myself to do it, convinced myself that nothing bad would happen if I didn't do these things, and I did break the spell, I don't do it anymore for many years.

However, there are certain things that I still now that is consistent OCD behavior, like I check the toaster and the stove, the stove tops to make sure that it's off, I leave the kitchen and recheck this like 5 times. I also check my pockets and wallet a lot of times, just touching it to make sure it's in my pocket before leaving the car or bus. What I do the most is check my wallet and check if my IDs are there, I close the wallet, put it in my pocket, take it out, did I see what I really saw? That's all I really do now, so I don't think I have OCD anymore. I think the reason why I check my IDs so many times is cause I'm not sure how real what I saw was. You see, I have a disorder called derealization, everything I see looks dreamlike, I don't know how real anything is, I have this 24/7, had it 24/7 as long as I remember, probably since elementary school. It's how I've experienced life so long that I don't remember when I didn't, but I always had a feeling after having an image in my head of when I was a kid that life was more real back then, that reality was more real back then.

Hi, MobiusX! I used to have (and maybe still do, a little) weird superstitions about bad things happening if I hit my left foot on something or if my left eye's twitching.. It probably has to do with anxiety, I guess, but maybe OCD has to do with it too, just like there might be a small trace of it in what you're doing now. I used to be paranoid about germs and I'd have to wash my hands in a certain way too. Do you still get anxious about what might happen?

jasmin wrote:Hi, MobiusX! I used to have (and maybe still do, a little) weird superstitions about bad things happening if I hit my left foot on something or if my left eye's twitching.. It probably has to do with anxiety, I guess, but maybe OCD has to do with it too, just like there might be a small trace of it in what you're doing now. I used to be paranoid about germs and I'd have to wash my hands in a certain way too. Do you still get anxious about what might happen?

only for the few things that I still do, check wallet, check the stove tops, etc... I just have to make sure that everything is off that could cause a fire in the house, and if I didn't check my wallet like I do, I would probably lose it or my keys by now, keys would I would diffidently lose by now.

Ok, I see. For me it's more of superstition like I'll get hurt if I I don't do this and that.