???

I can't figure out what I had...
Some of the things I did looked like OCD but I think it was different, the reasons behind the behaviors I had it were different from people with OCD I think and it was very involuntary...not that the people with OCD's behaviors are VOLUNTARY but yeah..

Anyway it came from something I did years ago. My father was talking about virtue and crap and I remember what I'd done. I was thinking omg Im not a virgin blah blah... and I kept it inside for a long time, it was horrible and made me cry a lot. I think it started 4th grade summer. When I was around 7 I think I did something with this boy, not really going to get into it. So yea, a lot of pain, and something else, ambiances/surroundings began to feel/look different idk what this is or how to describe it (it didnt look physically different, if that confuses you I am sorry, I dont know how to explain it) and that crap really bothered me, could be a symptom insane people get lol. From this I also got happy highs where my mind took a break from the pain and thought happily, okay you can do you can live with this now it's ok, or in this one case when I was watching this Christian show, you're not a bad person and it was a mistake it's in the past. Those breaks only lasted a while.

I broke down in public in a restaurant and told my father and he asked did the boy um penetrate me and I'm like I don't know...I didn't know for sure and I didn't want to lie about it (hmm that might have been a hint into another problem I'd develop from this)
and he assured me that cmon he probably didn't, we prolly didnt know to do that or I was too small anyway to take "that". I wouldve remembered pain probably if it had happened.

I started feeling guilty about *everything*. For example, if I touched something germy I'd have to use some purell or Id feel guilty about germing up something. I had to follow rules, I couldnt lie anymore. I couldnt do anything. Some things to feel guilty about were even stranger, in Boston Market I had to get this vegetable side or else I'd feel guilty. My mother put me on punishment, and even though I was off of it, I'd feel guilty if I watched TV. I'd feel that same straining feeling I got keeping that secret about that boy inside. It really annoyed her when I kept asking if I was off punishment, for some reason I thought what if Im not off punishment or something even though i was and I heard mother tell me again and again that I was not on punishment and not doing anything bad. I was going to feel guilty if I didnt go back to a page in a book at Silent Reading time if I wasnt sure if I flipped only one page or not, even though inside I knew I didnt accidently turn 2 pages...anyway even if I found out it was only onne page I had to read the same page over again...I went from a lot of pages read at Silent Reading to like 1 and a half. I am suprised the teacher never blinked at my answer. I felt guilty if my sister did things wrong too which really sucked...
I felt guilty if I didnt bring a skinny binder (that i didnt need for school) one day. Thinking "what if I would feel guilty if (this or that)" or I think it mightve been thinking about my guilt problem, got me guilty about doing anything. I wasted oatmeal when I would feel guilty if I sat down. I couldnt bring myself to eat that meal...
I locked myself in a bathroom for 3 hours before, I forget how that worked exactly. I had to take one hour showers because I wasnt "sure" if I washed every part and would feel guilty if I didnt.
And I would just think something, and it would magickally come true. like "what if I want my uncle dead"and so I started feeling anxiety about that...my thought processes were somewhat like that. or "what if I am bisexual" and then I magickally started finding the girl on TV attractive. But it was all in my head. I never think of a girl as a date when I am thinking about love horoscopes or anything, and I think its just a trick. How could I have gone from straight to bisexual, and anyway my mind did that with lots of other thinks.
when i tried to tell my dad what was wrong, I thought "what if I am lying?" even though I knew I was not.
I had to purell like 100x and fix towels over and over in the bathroom, stuff like that made me look OCD, but it was because I felt guilty if I didnt...if that makes any sense. I thought "what if I dont believe in god" and it destroyed my faith a bit. And I felt guilty about "not believing in God" even tho if I felt guilty about that bad thing I have to believe in him, right? Couldnt assure myself.
Then I thought "what if life isnt real" and that made things horrible...as soon as I remembered that thought my surroundings felt or looked different, but this issue is separate from the other thing I mentioned. When I think of it I am reminded and still go back to that feeling, I am only half thinking about it right now so i cant feel it. I will forget later hopefully.
Even though my problems are mostly gone that ambiance crap still kinda affects me, if something happens it can trigger a different "ambiance", and things kinda "imprint" on my experiences. I have no idea what the hell this is and I want it to stop. I want to experience the world normally, thank you. It's like my mind couldnt take the pain and started warping up the world...lol.

I was diagnosed by my therapist with Indecision Anxiety Disorder, altho she barely had enough time to really give me a diagnosis about anything and understand what I was explaining, for me to explain things right. Other people think I had OCD or general anxiety disorder. Also another thing I think is a result from my issues is that I have this explaining problem, sometimes I just cant explain things... like for example if someone asked me to describe this thing called AS, id have an issue doing that. thats the only example I can think up right now.

Oh, and something else I experienced in my problem days was this numbing thing. Usually occured at night. Id feel all numb and stopped feeling the pain, even tho I felt otherworldly which sucked too, kinda like the ambiance thing. I was talking with my father out on our porch swings about feeling "numb" and he gave me this answer on how he just felt numb too sometimes but from what he said I dont think we were on the same page, and my numb wasnt normal, so he cant have experienced my Numb.
I never qualified for depression through this entire thing which is kind of weird to me.
Also, I get kinda happy highs (different from what explained earlier, I think), where even tho usually triggered by a nice thought (like going to my friend Chynnas) I dont think its some regular excitement, and it would happen even in the middle of things, like a short burst of happiness away from any bad emotions or pain. I think it is a defense my mind's made up. I dont think its bipolarity because its just short bursts and, I dont experience an opposite, like a random down, or anger.

mels, how are things going for you in life right now? You spoke in the past tense throughout your post, and implied that you are over the worst of your problems now? I have a diagnosis of OCD, and I can see nothing other than OCD in all that you have written. The towels in the bathroom, the germs, the reading, the long showers, etc - they all point to OCD. Why do you believe it isn't OCD? It (OCD) can occur in different ways, but I have read much about it and believe that i know much more than the average person does.

When you mentioned 'AS', I'm assuming that you are referring to Asperger's Syndrome? OCD is a common feature of Asperger's, but so is not being able to talk/explain things to others. If anything, Asperger's should be viewed as a heightened state of sensuality, but because the senses are heightened, they also become overloaded easily. This theory actually has some scientific backing, because it was shown that the brains of people with Asperger's are more active than normal (...or so I heard).

Kevin

Chucky wrote:mels, how are things going for you in life right now? You spoke in the past tense throughout your post, and implied that you are over the worst of your problems now? I have a diagnosis of OCD, and I can see nothing other than OCD in all that you have written. The towels in the bathroom, the germs, the reading, the long showers, etc - they all point to OCD. Why do you believe it isn't OCD? It (OCD) can occur in different ways, but I have read much about it and believe that i know much more than the average person does.

When you mentioned 'AS', I'm assuming that you are referring to Asperger's Syndrome? OCD is a common feature of Asperger's, but so is not being able to talk/explain things to others. If anything, Asperger's should be viewed as a heightened state of sensuality, but because the senses are heightened, they also become overloaded easily. This theory actually has some scientific backing, because it was shown that the brains of people with Asperger's are more active than normal (...or so I heard).

Kevin

Theres more to AS than that. and I dont even have AS, this explaining thing I was not born with, I think its cos of those issues I have. If that is a type of OCD then wow OCD can be hellish in different ways than the usual way. I thought if I went out and described this one particular feature (just thinking something and my mind making it true) people would more see me as "psychotic features" lol. I cant even explain my explaining problem, because...well my explaining problem. My explaining issues might be different than what you are talking about. I will try to think hard but if I cant then I will just skip the explaing that.

I guess technically I did have OCD if it was just based on behaviors and not reasons behind them but I would not be treated for my behaviors the same way as OCD people. Youd have to stop making me feel guilty about everything, sometimes Id try to tell myself hey youre not doing anything wrong especially when the thing I was trying to do wasnt even bad but that didnt work immediately..I was going to get out of my problem in a second.

mels8780 wrote:sometimes Id try to tell myself hey youre not doing anything wrong especially when the thing I was trying to do wasnt even bad but that didnt work immediately..I was going to get out of my problem in a second.

That's a great point to make, because it's apparent that so many here feel that they are making mistakes and not 'up-to-scratch' in life. This then makes them feel paranoid that others don't like them. It's horrible.

Oh I meant wasntt********** also idk what you are talking about in your reply chucky

lol...okay, what I said was vague - my apologies. Try this instead: People with mental illnesses seem to commonly believe that they are not doing things right in their lives. In addition, they feel that others are always watching over them, scrutinising what they do. Both of these, combined, result in a feeling of paranoia - paranoia that everyone else believes you are a failure.

Chucky wrote:lol...okay, what I said was vague - my apologies. Try this instead: People with mental illnesses seem to commonly believe that they are not doing things right in their lives. In addition, they feel that others are always watching over them, scrutinising what they do. Both of these, combined, result in a feeling of paranoia - paranoia that everyone else believes you are a failure.

By wrong, I mean wrong as in immoral or corrupt. I am not a person to think I did something wrong when I don't, I automatically see sides in situations etc, but thats automatic especially if its yours. But people still think they did something wrong when they did not sometimes. I think I prevent this by knowing the details point to me not being wrong. this is random but Sometimes seeing all sides in situations is a curse but more people need to do that. Itd be like a super empathy world, we are barely close to that though as not many people are as empathetic as I am (not a brag...trust me) Anyway things have changed now that I have found the burn stuff for my leg and for some reason that will help me get on track with saying my daily affirmations again wooot! (random news)