Do I have OCD, or am I just a sick and twisted demon?

What I'm about to describe isn't 'normal' I know. I've probably had OCD for many years, it's only because I recently had major depression, which went away without any treatment thankfully (I am a master at hidding this stuff), which has left me anxiety-ridden. I want to just get advices on what I should actually do, I beg of you to hear me out and give honest opinions, even if it's 'your sick and twisted'. Okay, I've had just about every obsession in the book. Sorry if you don't like life stories, but I feel the need to let it all out. Yes, I'm also self-obsessed.

It started come to think of it when I was about 5 or so. I became addicted to video games, I would play them sometimes 18 hours a day if I were off school, and on school nights I wouldn't sleep just play all through the night. I wouldn't put a game down until I had perfected every single aspect of the game, explored every single possibility. I remember playing a game that had an infinate number of levels.. It took me 6 months before I could stop playing. This has lead to hoarding too, I have about 3,000 video games still some from when I was 5, every gaming magazine, some clothes, papers. It's only because I moved house and my parents forced me to get rid of a lot of things that I now have less stuff. I can only think that I must have thought they were going to be useful one day.. although the idea is totally stupid, I couldn't chuck stuff away. Wires to electrical items that are broken, that sort of thing.

Bodybuilding became a massive obsession with me. I spent 3 years training very hard, spending 3 hours a day in the gym 6 days a week. I started using drugs which was a massive danger to me as I found out. Even for seasoned bodybuilders, no more than 600-800mg testosterone a week is injected for more than 12 weeks. I started straight off with 1500mg a week, for about 25 weeks. I tried to quit, but became majorly depressed. I started using other drugs. In the end I was taking, all together at the same time, 1500mg of testosterone a week, 250mg of trenabolone a week, 900mg of boldenone a week, 100mcg of T3 thyroid hormones a day, 250mg of masteron a week, 100mg of oxymethalone a day, 50mg Proviron a day, and 9 methanphetmines a day.. seriously, I popped them like M&Ms. I'm very lucky to be alive, I've been in hospital so many times with overdoses, and that last time was the worst, I honestly think I would have died if it were not for my willpower to live. I remember too when I was obsessed with caffeine, they say only take about 200mg a day, I started with 600mg. One day, and I don't even know why I did this, I knew it was dangerous and I didn't want to die, so why? I took about 6,000mg or more, mixed with a coffee, and the lethal dose is around 5,000mg. I was in hospital for a long time. It left me with crippling health anxiety and obsessions, checking my pulse every 5 minutes, checking symptoms online constantly, unable to leave the house for fear of a heart attack and there being no one around to help.

Smoking too, I will buy a packet of smokes, smoke one and throw away the rest. Why? I really don't get it. I've done it for about 3 years now. My 'life' has to be ordered too, like one section of my bookcase is for my piano sheet music, on another is my study books for language tutoring, and another is for my bodybuilding books. What difference does it make though. Why do I think I would fail if they are not in order? Also writing lists, like 'do 1 hour of piano practice at such a time'. You may think that is just being structured and orderly, but if I fail that task, give up for a while and go into self-destruction. Then I write a new list. I have about 400 lists saved on my computer.

Being brought up in a very strict religious household (it was positively monastic), I had, and still have, serious God obsessions. Mainly about following every rule to the letter or else I'm a bad person, but I have geniunely believed in the past I am the chosen of God. On a mission for him. When I lost touch with religion, I became convinced I was a super hero, the ultimate human being, invinsible (although I was on steroids at the time). I became almost sociopathic, I'm just glad I controlled myself.

I spent a lot of time in Japan, and learned the language too. Even though I felt very lonely as always, it was the only time in my life I was not sad. It gave rise to a new obsession though. After returning to my home country, I became obsessed with studying the language. I've been over the same information probably 10,000 times, but I still go over it 10 times every day or every week. I'm obsessed with Japan too, I'll speak in Japanese to English people and spend every penny I earn on Japanese things.

Now my latest obsession is the worst for me, obsessive feelings of being sick and perverted (I know these thoughts are based some reality), thoughts of death or going wild/feral, obsessive thoughts of confessing every bad thought I've ever had or every bad thing I've done, thoughts of losing my job and becoming a tramp, thoughts about spending my life in prison, of vigilanties coming to kill me and thoughts of killing them in defence, thoughts of my family dying so I can live without ever shaming them, thoughts about whether anything really matters or exists (like believing nihilism and solipsism at tbe same time), thoughts of going on a rampage and killing the entire world, just about everything.

My anxiety is through the roof, but I just keep getting told to use anxiety control techniques. I think I need proper help though. The counciler guy just had a little chat and gave me some info on anxiety. Seriously, is that the extent out modern world can help? Or maybe this justice in action. Who knows. I know having 'OCD' or whatever is no justification, I just need help being normal. I can be with obsessions related to the outside world, but now they are attacking my own head. Probably it's just guilt? I don't know. I hear things and see things, and I never seem to really sleep, only rest. I swear I'm not a bad person, at least I would never hurt another soul, but my mind is constantly telling me I am, the voices do too. I may sound articulate online, but in real life I've become a shivering wreck. I've been told my IQ is unusually high, I can figure out almost anything I am presented with, but I cannot figure out myself, or maybe it's about not accepting myself.

Looking back, everything I've listed, I've done to myself. Fair enough. I do realise though, I've had a crap life, I know people have had much much worse, but my life is my life. Even though I excelled beyond everyone at maths, sports, science and business studies, I was almost at the bottom in anything creative like arts, English literature, and cooking, this lead me to give up on education feeling that I'm stupid, I could have gone far I know. I had no friends at school at all, I was beaten up and ridiculed every day. I remember once being punched to the floor and kicked hard for several minutes, and then they all urinated on me. I went home and just cried for several hours and for the following weeks were a constant nightmare, the instigator was someone I thought of as a friend too, he used to talk to me at least. Once I was beaten in the middle of class and all the girls cheered it on, even the teacher just watched, they would even laugh at me with the other students. I've never had a girlfriend really, I can say probably only one woman on this planet has ever cared about me, and who knows about her motives, she was a teacher and married but came on to me, but I felt guilty and stopped it. Other than that only crappy one night stands (I don't not agree with sex before marriage now). Even though I've been told constantly I'm a very handsome guy now, I was even member of the month on Hot or Not with a rating of 9.9 out of 10! Haha! I just seem believe I'd never get a girlfriend, so even when a girl is interested in me which happens quite a lot, I shun her and I hate myself for it. Even with friends, I believe I'm lonely, sick, loser and after every great but brief social life, I isolate myself completely. I make friends very easily, but I can't stand them for very long. Because of my failings at school after such promise, I have developed a complex about attaining worth, I repeat to myself like a chant "I must attain worth, I must be good, I must put myself last, I must progress". Which is why I am obsessed with bettering myself through learing languages, reading books, learning to play musical instruments, excessive exercise, learning everything I can.

I feel for the people out there who have suffered because of people like me. All my friends have now left me. I was happy though to have met some people in life, to know the world isn't all bad, but the happiness is over. I know there is no happiness to be found in death though, so even against the whole world, I will keep fighting.

You certainly have suffered. This is obsessive, compulsive behaviour. The horrid sexual thoughts are rumination - compulsive thoughts. You feel shame and that is normal. Perverts don't feel shame. Perverts act on there inappropriate thoughts. You are not sick and twisted. You have OCD.

There is hope for you. You need medication and therapy with a specialist in OCD, in Cognitive Behav. Therapy. Obtaining the medication and therapy needs to be your priority. That is your only hope to improve your life. It is Independence Day. Let this be the start of your independence from OCD. Google the Academy of Behavioural Therapy as a starting point. It is well known for OCD. My own psychologist is a founding member.

Sounds very much like OCD. I relate to a lot of your stuff... the organizational obsessions, the foreign language obsessions (Russian here), the list making, god do I know what that's like. I make lists every day. I make lists of lists I need to make. I'll even make lists of lists I've already made that I need to finish since I didn't finish them before. Sometimes I will just transfer the items from one list onto another list. Basically it's like just "rewriting" the list, but in my mind I'm actually creating a transfer. If I don't transfer the lists, then I feel scared that the first list will be lost.

Now my latest obsession is the worst for me, obsessive feelings of being sick and perverted (I know these thoughts are based some reality), thoughts of death or going wild/feral, obsessive thoughts of confessing every bad thought I've ever had or every bad thing I've done, thoughts of losing my job and becoming a tramp, thoughts about spending my life in prison, of vigilanties coming to kill me and thoughts of killing them in defence, thoughts of my family dying so I can live without ever shaming them, thoughts about whether anything really matters or exists (like believing nihilism and solipsism at tbe same time), thoughts of going on a rampage and killing the entire world, just about everything.

These are similar to my obsessions. Especially the one about becoming a tramp, and becoming wild/feral.

Also, you are doing the right thing by fighting. I see myself fighting until my last breath. It's sad, because every day HAS to be a fight. Not because you want to, but because you have to. That's discouraging, because it's makes me so tired. Some days I just wished I could have a break from it all, and be able to pick up that cross the next day... but that's not how OCD works. It never lets you rest. I think my biggest goal in life is to find a way to burn the cross and find peace. I won't stop until I find it... peace that is.

Well thanks for the replys!

Yeah, becoming feral is a growning obsession for me too.There is an explination for this though, I've travelled to many places, and it's always been, since I was 15, my dream to just leave home with my backpack and tent, and just adventure the entire earth and learn to survive. I applied to join the army because it seemed like the only escape. The horrifying truth is, no matter what I do, I cannot esacpe the thoughts. Confessing the stupid thoughts would only bring destruction in reality, I've told people a few things and it makes the thoughts worse. Because now I'm thinking "are they going to use it against me?" "I'm not normal" "They think I'm weird" and so on.

Yeah, keep on fighting amgio! I'm quite proud of the fact that I've been able to get through all my troubles, including major depression, without medication or therapy. The only probably I have with getting help now I need it is, my father shouts at me if I show signs of giving up as he calls it. He constantly judges people who take medications for anxiety and such, saying they just don't want to get better. No matter how much I know his intentions are good, I feel he is the one who is causing me distress.

The lists are a real nightmare. I have lists for relaxtion, lists for study, lists for finacial plans, for life plans, back up lists for running away, lists for training and lists for sleep. This is an example list, and this is just for training. I don't used the drugs anymore though, I came clean, so this list is out of date.

3x test (2) *
1 x oxy
3x prov (2) *
2 x t3
2 x masteron
2 x hgc
2 x clomid
1 x primo

week 1-8 1500mg testEQUI EW
week 1-12 25mg prov ED
30 days from week 2, 2 Liv. 52 tabs ED
Week 9-14 3.5ml mast EW (3ml first two weeks)
week 9-14 Primo 1.6ml EW
week 9-14 25,50, 75, 75/50(3), 50, 25 T3 ED
week 15-16 100mg clomid ED
Week 15-16 2500iu HGC EW

BULKING 10

protein 3 scoops per training day (before, during, after)
arginine 1/2 little scoop per training day
vitamins 1 tab per day
maltodextrin 1/2 scoop after training 1/2 scoop mid-training
Casein 1 scoop pre-bed

Additional:
coffee morning,pre workout
tea pre bed
2 litres of water
bedtime 10:15 wake up 7:00 (naps on sat, sun, any days off)
bath/shower hairwash clean teeth after training

Breakfast
2 bowels oats
Tinned fruit

Snack
2lt semi skimmed milk

lunch
whole spaggetti 1/2 pack
2 tins beans
2 bananas

Postworkout
2 potatoes
6 eggs
2 wholemeal bread

Dinner
2 chicken breast/beef/fish
2 carrots

SUNDAY DIET 1X 1000 CALORIE cheat meal

Chest Abs WED
Biceps Forearms THUR
Thighs calves FRI
Triceps Shoulders SUN
Back Traps MON
Cardio TUE
Rest SAT

Walk to gym (cardio warm up)
1 warm up set for each muscle (15 reps)
stretch bodypart after traing
walk home from gym

Chest Abs
Bench press 4 sets 6-10 reps
Incline Press 3 sets 8-10 reps
Dips 3 sets 8-10 reps
Incline Flyes 3 sets 10-12 reps
Decline Flyes 3 sets 12-15 reps
Press ups 3 sets 10-25 reps
Crunches 4 sets 8-10 reps
Knee tucks 3 sets 15-20 reps
Russian twists 3 sets 16-22 reps
Seated twists 1 set 100 reps
Vacuum Plank 3 sets 10-12 reps

Biceps Forearms
EZ bar curl (wide) 3 sets 6-10 reps
Barbell curl (narrow) 3 sets 8-12 reps
Wrist curls 3 sets 10-12 reps
Concentrarion curls 3 sets 8-10 reps
Reverse curls 3 sets 12-15 reps
One-arm cable curls 3 sets 12-15 reps
Seated Hammer curl 3 sets 8-10 reps
Reverse wirst curls 3 sets 12-15 reps
Wrist rollers 3 rolls up and down

Quads Hams Glutes Calves
Squats 4 sets 6-10 reps
Leg Press 3 sets 8-12 reps
Lunge 3 sets 8-10 reps
Leg extention 3 sets 8-12 reps
Romanian deadlift 3 sets 8-10 reps
Standing leg curl 3 sets 8-10 reps
Seated leg curl 3 sets 10-12 reps
Glute raises 2 sets 20-24 reps
Calf raise or leg press calf raise 3 sets 10-12 reps
Seated calf raise 3 sets 15-25 reps
Cable Tibialis Pull 3 sets 12-15 reps

Triceps Shoulders
Close Grip Bench Press 3 sets 6-10 reps
Dumbbell shoulder press 4 sets 8-12 reps
One arm overhead extention 3 sets 10-12 reps
Wide Grip upright row 3 sets 8-10 reps
Decline extention 3 sets 8-10 reps
Seated lateral raises 3 sets 10-12 reps
Underhand pressdowns 3 sets 10-12 reps
Lying on side rear delt raise 3 sets 12-15 reps
Dumbbell kickbacks 3 sets 12-15 reps
Plate raises 3 sets 12-15 reps

Back Traps
Deadlifts 4 sets 6-10 reps
Barbell rows 3 sets 8-10 rows
Pullups 3 sets 8-10 reps
Incline dumbell row 3 sets 8-10 reps
Straight arm pulldowns 3 sets 10-12 reps
Seated Wide rows 3 sets 15-20 reps
Goodmornings 3 sets 12-15 reps
Shrugs 3 sets 10-12 reps
Close Grip Contraction pulldowns 3 sets 12-15 reps
Incline shrugs 3 sets 10-12 reps

Cardio
1.5 hours cardio

cUTTING 8 WEEKS

Protein 1 scoop after training
Casein 1 scoop prebed
arginine 5g per workoutday
1 vitimin tab per day

Week 1 meals

Phase 1

Change meal 2-
100g chicken/turkey deli meat

Phase 2 (day 5)

Change meal 5 to
2 peices fish

week 2 meals

Phase 3

Change meal 1 to
72g of oats (1 bowl)
tinned fruit

Phase 4 (day 5)

Change meal 3
2 tins beans (low salt,sugar)

week 3-5 meals

Phase 5

Change meal 4
6 eggs
300-350g yogurt

SAT and TUE

Meal 3 = cheat 1500 calories
Treacle toffes, 700 calorie meal, diet pespi

week 6

Phase 6

no cheat meals

Chest Abs Cardio WED
Biceps Foreams Cardio THU
Thighs calves Cardio FRI
Cardio SAT
Shoulders Triceps Cardio SUN
Back Traps Cardio MON
Cardio TUE

Chest Abs Cardio

Biceps Forearms Cardio

Thighs Claves Cardio

Cardio

Shoulders Triceps Cardio

Back Traps Cardio

Cardio

RECOOP 12 WEEKS

I know I would never ever act on those sick thoughts, I don't even like those thoughts and haven't had them in many years. Still, in reality my sexual life has been pretty messed up, more memories are slowly coming back. Like I said, the ones with my teacher, a time when a man gave me lots of canabis then took out his penis and told me to put it in my mouth when I was high. When I was 13 two women took me to their flat and told me to get undressed, but I was too ashamed to actually do anything.. I will point out they were only about 17 or so themselves. I keep searching my memory, I can see nothing though that would explain this behaviour, maybe I see things from when I was in pre-school and infant school, but I can't grasp at anything. I think I must be imagining it. I feel because I'm a man I'm expected to know better, like I wanted stuff like this to happen. Maybe I did, but I didn't understand fully, it confused me. Oh, the indignity. There's nothing more I'd like then a loving relationship with a nice woman, but I just keep hindering myself.

What I fail to grasp at is the difference between mind and act. I've been reading too much of George Orwell's 1984, which had the thought police, which protected the dystopian society from any devation of thought from that of the socially accepted. Another thing that I'd obsessed with is how the same act can be met with different reacts depending on the situation. If a dictator dropped a bomb on a town killing 1,000s of innocent children and babies, he may be seen as evil, but the fact that he is in power seems to dull the responsibility. However, if a man living in a rundown apartment was to kill an innocent person or child, that would been seen differently. More personally evil, I don't know. See the kind of crap my mind ruminates over? Worst thing is, it makes me feel responsible for things I haven't even done. Just because a though crossed my mind 10 years ago, which I dismissed instantly.