Your First OCD Episode

I didnt know I had traits of OCD as a child, infact the first real recognition of the disorder was when I heard someone talk about arranging their dishwashing in a particular way and if they didnt they would re-do all of it. Infact I even considered that that was madness, I didnt understand how anyone could do such a thing, it didnt make sense. However I remmber a little voice in my head telling me that I wanted to have OCD, I dont even know why I wanted a psychological disorder, maybe I wanted to be special. I feel stupid.

My first recollection of behaviour that seemed OCD-ish was my obsession with my dolls. If I moved their heads to much I thought that eventually they wouldnt stand still. so with my last few years of buying barbies I didnt play with them much but kept them in their boxes. Another one is magazines, this is probably the biggest, I wouldnt accept a magazine unless the top corners of it was perfectly straight. Infact if they were damaged at all I would chuck it around my room and refuse to read it. This was my first real OCD behaviour, that happend in highschool though.

My problems then were way different then now back then I had a fear of dying, being alone, not having any friends lol, not being in the "in" crowd anymore, had a fear of mental illness like schizophrenia, my parents dying. In the end all happened except for the death parts but I didn't feel as bad as I thought I would because it just made me hate the world even more and I didn't have to go by the demands of society anymore... that is until gen y happened they ruined everything I confided in that's probably how my new ocd started.

I guess it would be in grade one when I was afraid to take my lunchbox out into the playground to eat. Other than that I remember having disturbing images of violence when I was a child that I couldn't seem to get rid of. As I entered my teens those images became severe and more persistent, which led me to go on medication when I was 19 after my functioning went downhill when I first moved out by myself to attend university.

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I was in year six, sitting in assembly and i kept blinking, i couldnt stop blinking over and over, i was panicking because my parents had told me that we were going to move house and I didnt want to move away and was getting really scared about it, it was then that I got OCD. And what started off as blinking became a whole lot worse over the years and hit its peak at 15. Still have it now at 21 and I wonder will this go on forever? Or will it one day just stop?