Hey All, I'm new to this forum - about my ocd.

Hey all, I used to be a member of another OCD forum ages ago, but the members didn't even have OCD. It was more of a forum where people would discuss how bad their hand washing was and I found it ridiculous. This site actually seems to understand all sides of OCD and what its really all about. So, here I am, an OCD sufferer coming out of the closet so to speak.

I really hope you don't mind, but I have a really bad case of OCD and because of it, I NEED to write a lot. I honestly can't write less than I'm about to, but I'll try to keep things as short as mentally possible, sorry. Please, I need someone, anyone to read this, but you can just skim through it if it bores you.

For starters, I've had OCD since as long as I can remember, but no one truly knows about it but me. My first memory of my OCD took place when I was 4 years old and I may have even had it before then. I'm now in my 20s. Basically, the first sign that something was wrong was when I started jumping on my bed, landed a certain way, saw the wall a certain way and then decided to stop. I then proceeded up the stairs to my other bed(I had 2 beds, one was downstairs, I don't know why and my actual bedroom was upstairs), turned on the light switch for the upstairs light and then stopped. I then walked back down the stairs, turned off the switch and then went back to where I was on the other bed. I felt really paranoid at the time and so, I went to the other bed, jumped on it but didn't see the wall the same way, so I had to jump around 10 times until I got it right. I then went back over to the stairs, turned on the switch, etc. You get the picture. I must have done so about 5 times until my parents asked me what was wrong. A year later I was diagnosed with ADHD and they put me on meds.

I honestly never had any symptoms of ADHD so I'm unsure how I was diagnosed. The only thing I can think of is that when I was in the first day of my religion class, I accidentally dropped my book on the floor and then, I had to do it again and again 4 times or else, something bad would happen. The teacher told me to stop, scolded me and so, I did. When my parents came in to get me, she told them that she didn't want me in her class. I was super embarrassed and ashamed but she was super strict and didn't tolerate disruptions. So, I had to be put into an individual one-on-one religion class. I remember where I was. I was in a lunch room and there was dozens of other kids getting taught as well. I had anxiety attacks in that room and I'll never forget it. I felt like everyone was staring at me and I hated it. Then, when I had to read something, anything, I always had to read it a certain number of times so it took me super long to finish reading. I still have both of these right now just a bit more under control. I'm thinking that they thought I was just super hyper and that I couldn't concentrate. Truth is, I couldn't concentrate because I had to read it so many times and it frustrated me. Later on, I started to pull my hair out when I was 12 from stress and anxiety, but my mother thought I cut it so I just went along with that. I would just be sitting, standing whatever and every time I felt anxious, I'd pluck out a single piece of hair. I did this so much that half of my hair was super short or completely gone. I had to leave my hair down because if I put it up, you'd see the bald spots where I was pulling. Luckily I had a very thick head of hair so it wasn't too noticeable. I don't pull out my hair anymore; the hair pulling only lasted less than a year and a half.

Now I'll just list some symptoms I had when I was younger/older:

Ages 12 and under:
Hair pulling, had to put on my clothes 4 times in a row(put them on take them off, put them on, take them off..), had to count the cars when I was in the passengers seat, had to wait until a certain time on the clock before I could do what I wanted to, couldn't eat solid foods for nearly 6 months due to fear of choking, had to repeat things over and over again until they felt "right", had random urges to do bad things like put my friends halloween decorations in the middle of the road, had to touch certain objects over and over again, wasn't able to throw out paper cups or random things that were useless to me that I had in my room(if I threw them out, I feared death would come to someone I loved)and a lot of other things.

Things I currently do:
-I find it difficult to clean my room. I'm afraid of cleaning it because I know my OCD will make it take twice as long(I'd have to pick stuff up, put it down, pick it up, put it down-theres a lot to organize so im overwhelmed), so my room is messy.
-Must have an even number of windows open at once on my computer.
-I still have to read things over and over again until it feels right, so, while browsing this website, I had to read a lot of what was written twice and when I try to just let it go and stop, I feel someone will die so I can't not read it again.
-I have to walk in and out of my bedroom 4 times before going to sleep.
-When I finish taking a shower and turn off the water, I have to go back in just because I don't feel "right" and wash my hair/body again with just the water for at least another minute and then go out.
-I have to wash my hands twice in a row. I don't have to wash my hands a lot, just when I do, it has to be even.
-I count a lot in my head. When someone says a word let's say "happy"- I count that "5 letters okay, it's not even so I have to wait until someone says "a" to feel better so that it comes to 6. Or, I'll add things I see up in my head. If I see a sign that reads, "welcome"-that's 7 letters and then I see another sign that says "exit" - 4 letters. I have to add that up in my head 7+4= 11 letters and if it's not even, I sometimes have to bring a random vowel into it to make it 12 letters.
-I have to repeat words, images or phrases in my head an even number of times or, until it feels right. This can take me up to 20 minutes of wasted time.
-When I watch a movie, I have to rewind a part sometimes(random part) and watch it all over again even though I don't need or want to.
- I sometimes alphabetize what I'm saying. Like, if I say "I want to go to the store to buy tomatoes and peas" I'd have to put peas first, not tomatoes because p is before t.
-I have to lock and unlock doors 2-12 times.
-If someone is wearing a bright color, sometimes I have to look at them twice and from the same direction.
-If I leave my cup unattended in my own home, I fear it's now poisoned so I have to spill it out and refill it again.
-If I'm listening to music, I have to play the song up to 5-10 seconds first and then replay it before I can play it through.
-I feel paranoid if I have no headphones on and I'm walking somewhere. My ipod wasnt working so I had to use my old cd player when taking a walk, my batteries went dead and I could hear people and the traffic so I panicked, immediately ran into a store and ended up wasting money just for the batteries to get me to my destination that was less than 2 minutes away.
- Sometimes I have to ask stupid questions that make no sense or act like I don't know what just happened aka "what did you say?" when I heard them the first time, but if I don't ask that question, someone will die or get hurt because of me.
-I have friends and people ask me to hang out, but I stopped hanging out with the ones who went away for college because I gained 10 pounds and I fear they will notice and think I'm disgusting so I'm afraid to see them until I lose 25 ibs and but because of that my parents call me a loner.
-I'm obsessed with underweight peoples arms. I look at how their veins stick out of their skin and how their bones petrude and it attracts me and I get jealous. I really want skinny arms with veins and bones on them and I don't really like people who have this. I don't mean to dislike them for this, I just do..
-So many more that I'll add to if you'd like, but it's a lot.

I currently live with my parents but hopefully that'll change soon. My father doesn't even know I have real OCD but he often makes fun of me. For example, if I shower and he hears me come out and go back in, he'll yell at me saying I'm a weirdo even if I just pretend and say " I felt my hair wasn't rid of all shampoo". If I just washed my hands and I wash them again, he goes "you just washed them. whats wrong with you??" or if my mother is angry with me for whatever the reason, she will say "you're a loser, you dont hang out with anyone, no one likes you, you have a messy room thats not normal, you're not normal, you're stupid, etc" and it hurts because I swear they ask me to hang out a lot, but I can't because I'm afraid of how they'll think I'm so fat now and so, I must be skinny when I see them again, not fatter than I was.

My father and mother both call me weird and stupid and tell me nearly every week at least once, "no one has a room as messy as yours because no one is as weird as you. your brothers room is clean and neat, you keep everything, you need help, grow up."
or, "you're late for dinner a lot but your brother is always at the table before you. you have mental problems" (because I'm busy unlocking and locking my door and going in and out of the door, washing my hands and doing stuff).

At work, I dont do it so much, but I do stare at people. I don't want to, but I just have to. If I don't stare at some people, they will die within 24 hours and I don't want to kill them.. Also, If I'm giving a customer a receipt, sometimes I have to touch it twice before giving it to them and I fear they notice this.

I think thats it. Hope you didn't fall asleep. I also apologize for how its written I'm sure it's not all proper grammar or english. It's just 2 am where I am and I'm very exhausted, but wanted to get this up and out of me even if It doesnt come out as my best writing(I actually write a lot and I'm good at it, but when I rush, it comes out horrible).

Thanks for reading!

Hey chief,

You seem to have a strong OCD. I've been diagnosed with it for a few years now, but you seem to have many more OCD 'nuances' that I do. My new one is that I have to memories random sentences and numbers that I see. It's majorly annoying. I used to live in a third floor apartment too, and during the night I HAD TO go down to the main door, open it slightly, close it, and then run back up. I have issues with cleanliness too, and I sometimes ave two showers in the space of an hour.

It's very unfortunate that your parents are not supportive and that they don't understand your OCD. Comparing you to your brother all of the time cannot be helping you either. They are just ignorant of what it is to have OCD, but that's their own problem. I mean, don't let their ignorance get to you as best as you can.

Any idea when you can move out? My OCD ironically became stronger when I moved out last year, but overall my 'entire' life improved.

Kevin