Please help me understand my diagnosis

For a year or so, I've been having repetitive thoughts. They, of course, are very strange. Basically they consist of my mental voice saying "biscuits is dead, biscuits is dying" or "biscuits is lost" or "biscuits is sick". Sometimes they are more loving. My "voice" will say "Stro and Bee [my cats] love me". Or "I love you". Sometimes it's just my name that's repeated. Most times the voice refers to me in third person. Like I said, strange.

More recently, I've begun to repeat the thoughts out loud. But usually only when I'm by myself or when I'm with my psychologist, who I guess puts me at just enough ease to disinhibit me.

The thoughts used to loop over and over, repeatedly crashing over me like ocean waves. Since I've started taking Abilify, the thoughts have decreased and only intensify right before I start my period. But here's the rub: they have never caused anxiety. At worst, they've been distracting, like loud background noise. Sometimes I even like them. I like the rhythmic tug at my consciousness. I sometimes will kind of lose myself for a few minutes as I contemplate what's being "played".

In addition, I have strange body movements, which I have had for about ten years (I'm 32). At first it started off as innocuous finger wiggling. Now I have parkinsonism and bizarre tics like hand-biting, head-bopping (when your head drops backwards all of a sudden), leg kicking when seated, hand-flapping, and hand-clapping. The tics I don't find so bothersome because I can usually play them off, but the parkinsonism is kinda concerning to me, only because it seems to be a worsening of what had previously been a harmless quirk. It ranges from stiff robotic walking (complete with stiff arm swings) to really slowed movements when doing routing activities such as dressing. I have even had frozen spells. I'm fully conscious and aware, but there's a strange tug-of-war inside me during the spell: Do I move or do I stay still? Staying still seems preferable until something in me clicks and I start moving again. Same with the robotic walking. I'll be walking stiff-legged, like my feet are glued to the floor, and then something in my brain "clicks" and I can walk normal again.

My shrink thinks I have OCD, even though there's no anxiety involved with any of this. And the behaviors/thoughts aren't disruptive to my life. Even when I would find myself frozen in the middle of the street, I feel no fear or concern when I would come out of it. Sometimes I worry about what I might do in front of others, but I usually feel like I have enough self-control. And usually I do. But that parkinsonism is trickier. It likes to flare up when I do my grocery shopping sometimes. I can almost feel the pity from on-lookers as I struggle down the aisles like an old woman.

I've done my research and have come across something called "obsessional slowness", which is a rare form of OCD. It's characterized by the behavioral features that I just described. I don't know if looping thoughts are associated with it, but they are certainly obsessional, given their usual theme. And I have been fighting depression and suicidal ideation. I think the lack of anxiety could stem partially from my schizoidism (aren't I just a big bag of crazy bones!) I know schizotypes are known to have ego-syntonic obsessions, so within that context my indifference makes sense.

Anyone else here deal with obsessional slowness or know what it's about? Should I be prepared for something more serious developing, like catatonia? More importantly, is it worth taking meds to deal with a condition that doesn't particularly bother me? Like I said before, the Abilify seems to be dampening down the loudness of my thoughts (although I think it's also dampening down my emotions, and I didn't have a whole lot to begin with). It's only when I'm pre-menstrual when things get jeeped up. My psychiatrist prescribed Luvox, which I rejected because of the side effects. Didn't seem worth it. Perhaps I'm also not ready to accept to this heavy diagnosis and I need someone who has what I have to tell me, "Yup, you're one of us" before I commit myself to another drug.

Hi,

Did you actually take Luvox for a while or did you just assume that it would give you bad side-effects? It's not important though, because you dont seem to be in a completely terrible state. However, dont just reject a medicine only because you are pessimistic about it. Also, please don't hate me for saying that to you!!

Ummm, yeh, it sounds like you have OCd, but only as a symptom of something more broad. To be honest with you, it sounds like the 'broad' thing that you have is Asperger's Syndrome. Most - if not all - of what you've written here could be explained by the Asperger's Syndrome criteria. Have you ever heard of this? It's something that I have myeslf, and there's a very active Asperger's Forum on this website. I have OCD, anxiety (but not necessarily coupled with the OCD), and I'm depressed. I also walk and move a little strangely.

Kevin

I don't know about Asperger's, Chucky. I mean, I do know what it is but I don't think it applies to me. I've been a little off-beat my whole life, but only as an adult have I had the strangeness that I described above. I've always had a special interest to keep myself occupied, but not with the intensity that Aspies tend to have. And although I'm socially inert, I'm not socially handicapped. I do know how to maintain small talk, read body language, and actually befriend people (I just choose not to). My speech is stilted and inarticulate at times, but I can also be eloquent and expressive when I'm in the mood. I don't have sensory issues, although I am clumsy. Granted, my personality is kind of weak and I don't have a good grasp on who I really am, but I've never felt like the Asperger's criteria fit me as well as schizoid PD does. (And really, the latter is the more parsimonious diagnosis, since it doesn't presume anything about how I was during childhood).

However, I can definitely see how Asperger's would cross someone's mind when reading my posts, and I'm sure the thought has secretly crossed my psychologist and psychiatrists' minds. While I know I'm dealing with Aspie-like issues, these issues are getting worse as I get older, not better as you would expect with someone with a developmental disorder. I think that's why it makes more sense to place me on the schizophrenic spectrum rather than the autistic one.

You must be telepathic about the Luvox thing. Please don't tell my shrink! But I'm already taking three drugs already. Adding another one to the regiment, for a condition that comes and goes and doesn't bother me that much, is too much for me to handle psychologically. A year ago I wasn't taking any drugs and now I'm a bona fide pill-popper. It hurts my little self-esteem to be so dependent on medication. I need to up front and honest and tell my psychiatrist that I'm fine where I am now, and that we don't need to treat every little abnormality. I suppose if things (continue to) get worse, I will change my mind.

Hi again,

That's okay about the Asperger's thing. I mean, if you dont' think that it applies to you, then that's fine. Something is just telling me right now that the reason you're hgere is because you aren't quite happy or comfortable with your doctor. You aren't happy with the medication that's being prescribed to you, firstly, but you also mentioned how you don't want your doctor to focus on every 'little' issue. You should feel comfortable with your doctor though, so much so that you can talk about anything. you're the one who's paying for the service and you should therefore dictate how things go. Don't be afraid to speak up if you don't agree with something he/she says/does. You have implied that you've done this already with him/her, but have you really? Doctors can be persuasive and they'll discount things that a patient says. You therefore have to sound authoritative.

Kevin

I to have ocd also aspergers that kinda why my username is asocd. Now ocd can happen through Autism in the usa 1 in roughly.
50 People have ocd its the fourth most common so called mental disorder some people dont have ocd they have. Ocpd
but to the point i have an obssesion with washing my hands. When i was younger my ocd whas a lot. Worse
I am 11 years old in my first year of high school.I have support by support staff that voice in youre head is likely
stress i get stuff a bit like that to for instance it putting me down with small bursts of depression. I wouldn't say
I have a voice its more like convincing my thoughts to depression you need to tell this voice its not the boss of you

well, I think I have this obsessive slowness too, because that is exactly what I do, I pause in the middle of things for no reason at all. And when I am in the kitchen, where there is a clock that ticks really loudly, I pause and count the ticks of the clock and then move again, I wish the clock wasn't there, but it's my parents house, there's not much I can do about that.

But I notice it only happens when I'm on my own, it would never happen in front of other people, so that makes me think I can control it, and it's not likely to turn into catatonia.

Same with thoughts, I have some thoughts that I will repeat in my head, but I know they're not voices and that I am in control of them. Again, it doesn't happen when I'm around others.

The thing with the OCD is, it mutates. Mine started off as fear of contamination, and now I don't have that any more, and it turned into this.

You are so right about OCD mutating! Some symptoms of mine have always stayed consistent, but others come and go, usually during stressful or important times in my life. Your symptoms reminded me of two of my recent ones. The first one started when I woke up from a dream in which my cat, Jehovah, had died. (I worry a lot about him, he's my best friend and he's very old). I sat straight up in bed, and I heard the phrase "Jehovah is dead!" very loudly in my head, along with a strong jolting sensation. It wasn't my voice, it was some anonymous voice that could have been either male or female. My whole body jumped and my jaw clenched. Since that incident, I occasionally experience that loud "Jehovah is dead" phrase in my head, accompanied by the body jolt and jaw tension. I feel a fleeting moment of anxiety that quickly passes when I realize that he's okay, similar to when you wake up from a bad dream and then realize that you are awake and relax. This usually occurs during quiet times when my mind isn't preoccupied with much.

The other symptom was more weird and disturbing, and thankfully seems to have gotten better recently. I noticed one day while walking in new sneakers that one leg seemed longer than the other. I couldn't walk normally, I looked stupid trying to gimp along with a short leg and a long leg (it was quite embarassing, because I was in public and people were noticing). I mean, I literally COULD NOT walk normally, no matter how hard I tried! The more I tried, the more difficult it became and the more extreme the gimping got. I took off my shoes and tried walking barefoot, convinced that my shoes must be uneven. This seemed to help, but any shoes, boots, sandals, etc. that I put on after that seemed to be a little bit uneven. It was worst when I wore the pair of new shoes, though I examined them closely to make sure they weren't defective. (Which they're definitely not, because I can walk normally in them and they are quite comfortable.) I had horrible dreams about my legs being grotesquely uneven, and even measured them against each other many times to make sure they were the same length. Even now, when the symptom seems to have improved, it still plagues me occasionally. I will be walking along in those sneakers perfectly normally, and then the notion that they are uneven will suddenly seize me, and it all begins again. I still make myself wear those shoes, though, I refuse to let the OCD beat me lol.

I wonder if the gimping thing is purely OCD, or could it point to another underlying condition? Not everyone fits the mold of traditional diagnosis, and OCD can manifest in a seemingly infinite variety of ways.