hi, has anyone experienced that?

hi
i am going to tell u about my situation and what i am experiencing and would like you tell me if u have similliar things and how u cope with it. especially i would like to hear about coping without drugs or therapy as it is difficult to arrange.
1. i have a constant urge to curse or wish bad things upon people. i dont have to do it aloud like in tourette's but the minute i try to stop myself it comes out. as if there are two me's one that is resolved to curse and the other resolved to stop. not to scare you, it is just a way of explaining. no split personality.
the minute the curse is said, i have a sense of relief. when the cursing urge comes i understand logically that i am doing something wrong but as i see i don't really comperhend the full meaning of what i am saying at that time. maybe because the only thing i see in front of myself is the urge to say it.

2. i noticed that i always look for strong emotions. happiness, being liked, suffering fear. i like to imagine myself getting the upper hand in things. all my emotions are at maximum. when i am happy i dont want to know anything else and when i fear something i always fear the worst and have a sense of danger.

3. i find it difficult to admit mistakes, those that are not easy to admit. seeing i made a mistake i would rather persuade myself it is not a mistake and the reality is different. if there is something i dont want to believe, it is enough for to have a reason for doubting it in order to decide it is not true. but if i have lots of reasons to see it is true i would rather to stick to the one that says it is not.
4. i dont have normal urges. the minute i want to do something, or not do something it is strong and it is very difficult for me to decide the opposite. in general it is difficult for me to postpone things i want even at the risk of doing something bad, or missing something. i would assure myself that maybe it is ok, or if not maybe i will be able to fix it. the minute i want something and i know i should do it at all or now, i would start persuading myself i should and find reasons for that i wont dig into the reasons enough that i found something and that is an ok for me to do whatever i wanted to do.
let me be clear, there are things i understand that i should not do and have no urge to do or clearly can stop myself violence for instance.
but the minute i go on doing what i allowed myself to do i would feel guilty. but i won't stop. i will try to persuade myself it is ok and dig into to it so that the doubting thougts disappear.
5. it is funny sometimes i have contradicting urges. first to do something and when i decide to do it i have an urge not to do it.
6. i try to engineer my feelings. at moments i should feel some kind of feeling, guilt, happiness, anger, i persuade myself why i should feel this at this moment or if i see i should have felt it and didn't i am angry at myself. sometimes i feel that this ocd thinking over the last 11 year has been filling my mind to such extent that it either didn't allow normal feelings and thinking to develop or ruined them. very often i feel emotionally numb. looking back, i am 24, i see that many of the good things i did and do were done for the wrong reason. i often see that i helped a person not so much for him to be helped but for me to feel good about myself and be able to tell people i did a good deed.
i often feel as if my emotional personality is closed like a fist. that i don;t allow myself to get in touch with feelings that bother me or that might make me see i have made mistakes. i often disregard guilt or danger, or try not to allow myself feel them.
7. sometimes, after some horrible urge that got all the bad out of me, or after some thinking that relaxed me i feel this feeling or relief. as if something tied up inside of me got loose. and then i dont feel emotionally numb and my urges are really weak, but after some times, minutes or hours it monotonically comes back.
9. my ocd is trickey. whenever i manage to decide not to care or fear about something forbidden. i automatically start looking for a new something that has to make me fall i can't help it. and when i find it of course it ruins all.
10. it is difficult for me to make decisions. if i have lots of pros and cons i won't be able to decide at all. and in this case instead of making myself think a bit more, i decide to take a risk and just pick one of the options. often, i have an option i like more, and all my thinking would be done just cause i have to think but eventually i will bring myself to a decision to do whatever i wanted from the start, not matter what cons i found on the way.
11. i have an obsession of not wanting to think thoroughly, maybe it is just an obsession maybe because i fear the results or the process. i think in patterns.
12. i have noticed that without choosing to, i care more about the form of things than their essence. i think more of how i look and sound and not what i say.
13. i can find faults in anything. this is one reason why i fear doing therapy. i fear that i would find reasons why it is not working, and ruin it.
14. about the cursing, i read in many books that i should let my thoughts and urges be and that way they would lose their power over me. but it doesn't help. i either keep fearing what i allow myself to do or if i allow myself to think something, at first the urges become weaker but then the grow again and allowing myself to do what i forbed, makes me want to do it more. so no matter what i do i get obsessed.

i would really appreciate any ideas on what i wrote her. both professional and from personal experience.

Hi,

On your last point, that recommended approach can actually work, but it's hard to train your mind to get into that way of thinking in the first place. It's about placing less emphasis on what is wrong with you, and simply letting these 'wrong' things take their natural course. For example, I have Bulimia, but things only improved when I stopped trying to fight it and simply got on with my life (with the Bulimia in tow). Everything else that you've written smacks of OCD too, and I can relate to it all (I was diagnosed as having OCD). However, there's a bit more to it than that, as is the case for me too. I strongly supect that my underlying condition is Asperger's syndrome. If you have heard of this, then how do you think it relates to you? If you haven't heard of it, then go look it up. Another thing that you might relate to is Schizoid Personality Disorder.

Kevin

Sorry I did not have experience like this any way I like your experience.

I can recognize myself in some things, but not in all. Anyway, it'd be hard to change your thinking. I would advice you to start step-by-step and cope with this. I think it's all due to OCD, and there are some tecnics how to manage it. Try some of them.
If nothing works, the latest chance is to go on medication. And I think nobody can cope without talking about, so I'd advise you to talk with your doctor about your progress.