OCD? Social Anxiety?

I want to make this as short as possible, because I found the original response I wrote to be 3 pages in Word. I've always had a problem summarizing things, and I do apologize. I would appreciate anyone who would take the time to read this and offer a solution.

I am 18, and for all of my life, I have been experiencing problems in social situations, due to my severe low self-esteem. The reason I found my self esteem to be so low is because I have never found the courage to put myself out there and try to make something for myself.

I played sports in my younger years, but I never pushed myself simply out of laziness and helplessness, almost as if it was a feeling of "giving up". My weight has always suffered just to the point of noticing it, and people have always made negative comments about it. I have always been weak, and done NOTHING about it.

I never face things head on and push myself, simply because I begin doubting my abilities to concentrate or complete any sort of task.

My attention span has been so low all of my life I compulsively enjoy lazy activities, things that make me feel good, and activities that let me accomplish things while being sedentary. Activities such as video games, eating, and masturbating excessively. Sorry to be so grim, but this is where my life is at.

My parents are extremely critical of me, and I am an only child. My parents have always been split up, since I was born, and I bounce back and forth between them. It gets me so depressed, because they have led miserable lives to raise a miserable, useless child.

I was picked on in middle school, and always had a limited amount of friends. Usually I had one main friend that I hung out with day in and day out, doing everything I did with them. I am currently 18, and I have 2 friends that I alternate in between, usually just doing one on one activities.

I suppose the feeling that I have OCD comes from the fact that I ALWAYS count my steps, and have to take an EVEN amount of steps on every different surface. For example, if there was a long hallway with tiles, I would have to step on 2 black tiles, then 2 white tiles, 4 times on a rug I come across, etc. If I don't there is a feeling something will suddenly go wrong, and it's almost like I do it to keep my mind occupied, like for the satisfaction of completing something and feeling good about it.

I'm not sure what my problem is. I really need help. Do I have OCD? Social Anxiety? Am I insane? I want to prove myself to my parents, but I can't!

My anxiety has gotten so bad over the years from my low self-esteem, I can't go anywhere without worrying about how I look. I constantly look around to see if anyone is looking at me, criticizing me amongst other people. If I say anything, I'm afraid someone will interrupt me or it wont be interesting enough for people to acknowledge it.

Any reflective surface is soon taken up by my self scrutiny. I look at myself in the mirror, at least trying to make myself look good, but I know I don't. Public places are terrifying. But the point is, I'm compulsively overtaken by thoughts of self-worth and how I shouldn't do anything because I'll look like a fool doing it. I compulsively look in the mirror, and have ALWAYS been late for EVERYTHING spending countless time in front of it trying things on.

It SUCKS! Mainly because I know I am an interesting person. I'm a caged butterfly per say.

I can't stress the following facts enough.

I have actually ALMOST dated an attractive girl, she was calling me and asking me to hang out, but I began doubting myself and made it totally awkward.

I have had a WHOLE CLASSROOM laughing at the things I say, LOVING me, but then I blow it all and start worrying about myself and stay quiet.

I am EXTREMELY intelligent, and have relied on my innate intelligence to get me through school, but I got TERRIBLE grades because I never pushed myself. I aced tests but got 0s on homework.

I will have my friends CRACKING UP, but then I worry things will get awkward and they DO.

BUT I NEVER PULL THROUGH! I get SO far, then I BLOW IT!

I don't know what it is. I need the ability to drive myself, and push myself over the edge.

Can someone tell me what they think might be wrong with me? I'm attractive, and smart, but I have never had the confidence to make something of my life.

Right now I also have been delighting myself in alcohol and marijuana. I prefer doing it alone, simply to enjoy myself and enhance things I normally enjoy sober. Like I said, I compulsively enjoy myself so much I lost any enjoyment in my life I've ever had

I would appreciate any feedback.

Thank you everyone.

Hey,

You sound exactly like I was when I was your age. There is a name for the condition that I think you might have - it's called Asperger's Syndrome. Did you ever hear about it? Most of what you have said fits the criteria for it but, of course, I'm not a doctor. For the record, OCD is a symptom of Asperger's.

Anyway, I doubt that it has been very enjoyable switching over and back between your parents. My parents are still together, which I am very grateful for. I can't say that I agree with you for taking drugs (but I do understand why you have done it).

Take care,
Kevin

Hi Chucky,

Thanks for the feedback. I don't think I have Asperger's, but I can see why you would think that. I'm not sure what I have, but I wish I could find out some way. And yes, drugs are bad!

No problem Roc. I suppose, if you are looking to get an official name for what you have, the first step should be to go to a local doctor and present your symptoms to him/her.

I know I'm a bit late in replying to this, but it's certainly possible to have both OCD and SAD. I do, and I don't have Aspergers', ftr.
OCD is pretty much under control with Anafranil, but SAD has been worsening a bit lately. I'll mention it to my shrink when I see him later this month. :\