I really need help

I heard that if you can masturbate in your fantasy without porn to stuff that's what you're attracted to.
So I had a rough day today with my thoughts and when I got home I decided to force an erection to masturbate to gay fantasy and it started to feel good within a few second and would go away and come back depending on how much I self inserted with more self insertion feeling better. I decided to swap over to gay porn and when I self inserted as the bottom and when I started to feel like orgasm was coming I started to feel a lot of disgust, guilt and shame which seemed to make it stronger and I had to stop myself from actually finishing and went to actually finish to straight porn.

Even though I have been able to get off quickly imagining a girl I thought I had a crush on when using my imagination it all feels fake and it feels like the feeling I had for her were just me trying to hold on to being straight so I forced it.

I can remember for a good long while that I always worried I'm secretly gay probably since I was a very young teen. But I also have had nothing but crushes on girls assuming that I didn't fake them and I always wanted a wife and all that but that could have been heteronormativity. Also if I am just gay why would I get aroused enough at my first straight club visit to go back and then get really aroused going to the vip room thinking about the possibility of oral and even almost busting in my pants during the lap dances and I was obsessed with boobs and looking at models and such. But between the last post and all the other info plus the fact that I get aroused by penises in porn and I think I have for a long time now, getting off to fpov and putting myself as woman in porn and now the fantasies I really worry that I've just been gay this whole time and repressing it and denying it. I really wish I never got high that night I might have never gone through this and gay porn never used to do anything for me when I would come across it. I know reassurance and testing is bad, but is it possible for all this to happen because I'm subconsciously focusing on my groin when "testing" that causes my to be able to orgasm and it feels real?

So when I woke up today I think I got aroused when fantasizing about a girl and one again decided to test and it felt like I had to concentrate harder and put more effort into imagining gay sex than when I was imagining a girl which I still kind of had to concentrate, but it just seemed to be easier. However, I wasn't able to achieve orgasm without using porn

Please don't test. Fantasize only about something you want to fantasize about.

But why is it so much easier? And the memories

Easier to what?

Feel like having an orgasm or getting an erection.