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OCD affecting my writing career

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OCD affecting my writing career

Postby CaffeineDepnd » Thu Feb 15, 2024 6:02 pm

Content Warning: This topic deals with sexuality and abuse.

Hi, I'm a 24 year old male, hoping to vent about my current blunder.
A few years back, I got myself into writing (mainly fanfictions) when I was going through a particularly dark chapter of my life; and I found the act of writing to be therapeutic. I often used various aspects of my life and my past self for inspiration. Stories very rarely turned out great, but they had their admirers and I enjoyed the fact that my readers seemed to enjoy what I wrote.

I took two large breaks and lately been trying to get back into my writings once more; but something has been bothering me lately.
I usually write romantic fiction - some blatantly explicit and focused on sexual content, while others tend to be proper narratives with underlying themes of love and sexuality. I was fine with that; I'm not religious and it didn't conflict with my worldview - until lately, that is.

Recently this thought crept up into my head - "If someone gets off from reading my stories, aren't I the one getting them off?" It feels gross; because my OCD-riddled brain interprets it as equivalent to engaging in sexual activities with my readers; which, when written down like this, sounds very absurd because what remains of my rational mind knows that it is not actually the case.

So, you get the idea - I feel conflicted. On one hand, I want to get back into my writings once more because I genuinely enjoyed it. On the other hand, it feels wrong because the irrational part of my mind sees it as 'having sex with strangers' despite how absurd that conclusion is.

What might be noteworthy here is that I was a victim of SA while underage; which might explain why I have strong and often conflicting feelings when it comes to intimacy and sexuality.

Anyway, I just wanted to vent a bit. I'm sure my brain will resolve it over time, just like all my previous problems. Meanwhile, any input would be much appreciated. Thank you for reading!
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Re: OCD affecting my writing career

Postby catnaps » Wed Mar 20, 2024 2:10 pm

A few thoughts on this.
To me it seems like the equivalent of thinking the person who directed the porn you’re watching is the one getting you off. For your writing it may be more directly involved than a director, but still it’s primarily the person’s imagination of the characters that is what someone would be thinking of. As well, you are presuming that anyone is getting off to your works at all. And, even if they were, what is so wrong with that? There is a cultural shame from our puritan past around sex that isn’t warranted in my opinion. We are all sexual beings and should engage in it in healthy ways. Perhaps your own past trauma is causing the block here, but if writing is a positive outlet for you, then I think you should embrace it.
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Re: OCD affecting my writing career

Postby CaffeineDepnd » Sat Apr 13, 2024 6:49 pm

Thank you; I came back to check up on my posts after a long time.
I can see your logic and how I had made several absurd logical leaps. I have a better sense of clarity now.
Thank you once more.
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