POCD - constant thoughts, not 'fear'. Worried and fed up

This is the third time I've been trying to write this up
It's exactly as it sounds. Either this is POCD or I'm a pedo in denial

A few weeks ago I was ruminating on not loving my partner enough. Now I'm worried I'm a pedo. Only thing is - I don't know if I am worried. I don't feel huge waves of anxiety and fear anymore, just disgust, a mild desire to vomit, and sadness. I can't really eat, I've barely been sleeping - I'm wondering if this is OCD symptoms of it, or how a pedo reacts when they realize it about themselves.
I keep getting thoughts and images of kids. Of things being done, or me doing things, and I get these awful voices or thoughts that I'm 'into it'. I don't think that I am - but I do deliberately try to check if I get any physical reactions. Normally tightness or heavyness in the chest and heart rate increases.
I keep reading about "collecting CP is a generally accepted sign that someone is a pedo" and then I get this impulsive thought "GET SOME AND CHECK" - I do not want to do that.
I've done a lot of research comparing POCD and pedophilic disorder - and I feel like I match both.
I've looked at all the warning signs, and all the different types of pedos.
I've looked at personality warnings of pedos - low IQ, low self esteem, depression (and who isn't depressed in the world we live in now - but after all those warnings about low IQ I've done a few different IQ tests and that doesn't seem to be an issue).
I've even looked into the theory that it can be observed in finger length differences.

I don't want to hurt a child. I really really don't. I just keep getting these thoughts, and I am half convinced there's groinal involved.
I keep analysing my responses to it, and I'm starting to be convinced that this isn't OCD, and that the OCD types I've had before, worrying about being trans, worrying about being gay have all been because I couldn't accept that I'm a pedo. I don't want to be one. However - my attraction to my boyfriend seems to have practically vanished, and when we've been intimate lately (since the thoughts have come up) I keep seeing images and thoughts of kids.

I've always found kids funny - they're tiny little humans, and sweet (most of the time) who are learning about the world around them. I wanted to be a teacher. I wanted to be a mum. But now I think I should stay away from kids - I feel like I'm a danger. I also worry that I'm just saying this to sound like I'm not a pedo. I hate this. I second guess everything I think about kids and adults. I don't want to be a pedo. I don't like having these thoughts, even if the thoughts keep telling my I like these thoughts. It's like I'm torn between wanting kids to not exist so I can't have these thoughts, and not wanting them to not exist because I think they're so funny and adorable (I felt a similar way when I had HOCD symptoms).

I keep worrying about experiences I had as a kid - crushes I had, interactions I had with other kids. My most intense crush that I can remember I was 14/15 and it was another girl in my class - I have thought about that crush often as I grew up, and recently, remembering that as when I thought I might be bi.

Worrying about the kid I used to play with at church, the teenage girls would regularly take care of the children when the adults were busy, - that I was only interested in playing with her and being kind to her because I wanted to abuse her.

I just want to cry and vomit. I don't want this. I don't want any of this. I'm more and more convinced that I'm just a pedo and need to be removed from this planet. Get lobotomised or something. I just want to be attracted to my boyfriend and feel that all the time.
I keep switching from "there's no way I'm a pedo - they all say they see kids as sexy" and "but that kid was really cute - angellic looking almost, clearly I wanted to abuse them".
If anyone has any words of kindness or advice, I'd really appreciate it. I just don't know what to do

I think you really need to try not worrying about this. Definitely don't check! But you have to have the attitude that you don't care. Worry about being a pedo, when you do pedo things to children. Not before. Defer the anxiety to when something actually happens. Until then, take the attitude that you don't care about it. And with that, take the attitude you don't care about it, because you're not one. And if you were one, you make the decision to not care about it anyway. That's what I do with my harm OCD. To me, POCD is one of these OCD themes that sort of straddle both sexual OCD themes and good ol' Harm OCD. Well, I will worry about my harm thoughts, when I've actually killed someone. Not before. That's a conscious decision on my part, and I have to decide that I don't care if I will harm someone. I'll worry about it when it happens; not before. That's also what I would do with POCD. I've never had that theme really bad, but it does nibble at me. I'll worry about it, when I'm doing the 'bad touches'. Not before. Until then, I have to not care whether I could or couldn't be a pedo.

When I do those things, I find myself a lot less bothered by intrusive thoughts or worries I'm going to do something terrible or inappropriate. I also have to do that when I worry I'll accidentally touch an adult inappropriately- I sometimes worry I will try to kiss say, for example, a coworker. Or pat their behind. You know, something that would get me slapped. I have to make myself not worry about it, otherwise I'll think about it constantly.

You have to make yourself not worry. It's just that simple. It's hard, but it's not complicated.