Need to figure this $#%^ out (HOCD)

I'm an 18 year old female who's been struggling with this for 3 years. As far as I can remember, anxiety was so high, that I wasn't able to eat properly or sleep well. It was all because I kept having thoughts about being a lesbian, which brings to a next part, like questioning whether my attractions to guys were real and genuine. I once told my mother about all of that and she said that my love for my boyfriend is all admiration, but that was an absolute #######4. Although her words made it worse, because I was slowly starting to believe my romantic attraction to my boyfriend was not romantic, but like a friendly love. I tried telling her that I did fell in love with my boyfriend and he was my first crush, but she just dismissed it, by saying that I'm too young to be in a relationship. After that I got mad at her for letting her make my anxiety disorder worse.

This is why I never talk about OCD to her again, because I know she'll never understand about it and she'll say that it's all intrusive thoughts over and over again. My family just doesn't believe that I have OCD. Maybe they just refuse to believe that I'm mentally ill. I'd rather not be open about this anymore, just for the sake of my sanity and I want to make sure that one of my relatives won't know about this. ###$ them for not letting me speak about my inner struggles.

I was 12 years old when I had my first crush on my boyfriend when we were 6th graders. So madly in love, that he would be in my mind 24/7. Always fantasized about kissing him, hugging him and loved every minute of it. That's romantic attraction. When I started to have an interest in sex, I remember searching for it through Google search engined and finally found porn websites. When I watched X-rated videos, I could't help, but enjoy watching them. Though I did watch lesbian porn one time, but that one never crossed my mind because I'm not into having an intercourse with a woman. I kept thinking if I really did have attractions to them, but I don't think I've ever had feelings for them.

Now 3 years later, I'm doing a huge progress, but like now I'm feeling different. It's like this is entirely new and I don't feel normal. Sleeping feels different, relaxing feels different and I have no idea why. I've never taken any medications and I've had many therapy sessions and none of the specialists diagnosed me as OCD, but I still feel like something's not right.

KidDJ wrote: know she'll never understand about it and she'll say that it's all intrusive thoughts over and over again.

"But, Mom... intrusive thoughts is what OCD does best....."

KidDJ wrote:Now 3 years later, I'm doing a huge progress, but like now I'm feeling different. It's like this is entirely new and I don't feel normal.

What is feeling different and new and not 'normal', exactly? You intimate you're making progress. Is it a lessening of anxiety over that is feeling 'different'?

Snaga wrote:

KidDJ wrote: know she'll never understand about it and she'll say that it's all intrusive thoughts over and over again.

"But, Mom... intrusive thoughts is what OCD does best....."

KidDJ wrote:Now 3 years later, I'm doing a huge progress, but like now I'm feeling different. It's like this is entirely new and I don't feel normal.

What is feeling different and new and not 'normal', exactly? You intimate you're making progress. Is it a lessening of anxiety over that is feeling 'different'?

I cannot even tell what kind of state I'm in. Maybe my brain is in a process of rewiring itself, so that's why I feel "new". A lot of people will say that it's a depersonalization episode I'm having, but after doing some little research of that, I, for some degree, don't have any of the symptoms. I'm unsure if people will relate to what I'm saying.