ROCD - Tips to ease my symptoms?

**MINOR TRIGGER WARNING - VAGUE MENTION OF SELF-HARM**

I'm new here, so I apologize in advance for being unfamiliar with the site. I have recently been diagnosed with OCD, alongside major depression and social anxiety, and am actively taking part in therapy. Although the diagnosis is new, I've had symptoms of checking OCD for many years and relationship OCD for at least one year.

The most distressing of these is the ROCD, which causes a lot of issues in my three year relationship with my boyfriend. I tend to get triggered easily, leading to feelings of rejection and a fear of abandonment. I also have a bad habit of breaking up with him to prevent him from being the one to leave, which is not healthy for either of us. I get obsessed with the idea that he will leave because he does not love me, which is not in any way supported by the way he treats me (he obviously loves me).

When I'm not worrying about him not wanting me, I am scared that I don't want him or I'm bad for him. I feel guilty about it and try to convince him to leave me, although that isn't something I want him to actually do. I am always asking him if he loves me and why, and I make him promise not to leave. I have also cut, which I've only done in response to feeling rejected by him. It is one of the few things that can ease my mind when I get convinced he will leave (again, it is highly unlikely he will). I'm aware all of these thoughts/behaviors are bad and don't make any logical sense, but I cannot control it.

Any advice on how to reduce the intensity/frequency of these obsessions?

I've been dating my boyfriend for almost three years now and started having symptoms of ROCD a bit over a year ago. For the most part, he and I have been going out on dates (we don't live together) every 1-2 weeks. These last few months, things have changed. I want--need--to see him more often, but I've been having bad reactions to the dates. Despite how much I love him and how much I enjoy seeing him, I always have a meltdown after. I feel guilty for being messed up, and it makes me hate myself.

This happened tonight, and I'm terrified he's going to leave me. I wouldn't blame him. Every time he sees me now, he asks me what's wrong or if I'm ok. He must hate our dates by now. It's only a matter of time before he decides he can't put up with this anymore and leaves. But he can't leave. I can't live without him. I don't know what to do. I can't get over the fear he'll decide I'm not worth it. These thoughts are always there, but I've noticed in-person dates have been making it worse, which doesn't make sense because he'd not be seeing me if he didn't want to date me. This obsession with abandonment is completely unsupported by evidence and yet is consuming me. Every time he goes home after a date, he's leaving me again. Every date I'm abandoned all over again.

Hello, and welcome!

Have you spoken with a professional about this?

Are you diagnosed with anything?


Certainly this sounds rather OCDish.. but to be honest, it also sounds as if there might be something else going on with these intense fears of abandonment.

BlueEyedOCD wrote:I also have a bad habit of breaking up with him to prevent him from being the one to leave, which is not healthy for either of us. I get obsessed with the idea that he will leave because he does not love me, which is not in any way supported by the way he treats me (he obviously loves me).

That sounds possibly Borderline behavior, to me. Have you ever been screened for a personality disorder? If you can possibly speak to a professional about this, I really think you ought to...

I didn't see you responded to this! I was diagnosed with OCD in October and do have obvious obsessions and compulsions unrelated to my relationship. I have daily compulsions, like repetitively checking the stove, the locks on my bird cage, and the settings on the washer (to name a few). I also get obsessions about spending money, how much food I eat, seeing dead things, and sexual thoughts. I've discussed all these things, along with others, with my counselor and been told it is OCD.

I definitely have borderline behaviors, which I've been aware of for awhile. I brought this up with my counselor, and she said she was confident I don't have a personality disorder. The fear of abandonment is still worrying me, though. I do feel like there is something else going on, but I honestly don't know what to do about it.

I'm a psychology major in college, so I'm familiar with a few personality inventories. A couple of months ago, I spent hours completing and scoring two different ones (both well-researched), and my scores showed I had extremely high identity disturbance, as well as, high emotional lability and separation insecurity. I didn't mention these inventories to my counselor.

BlueEyedOCD wrote:I didn't mention these inventories to my counselor.

Oh I would carry them in, if it were me.

Somewhere I have the... well one of the 'official' personality inventories filled out- I think it's in my briefcase, and if I ever go in for therapy I'll probably carry it in with me.

Snaga wrote:Oh I would carry them in, if it were me.

I am seeing my counselor on Friday, so I'll let her know about it. She will probably tell me it's the OCD. I think I'll see about getting someone with more experience with personality disorders, just to be safe. I don't think I have anything, but I do want to be diagnosed (and treated) if there is something there.

Snaga wrote: That sounds possibly Borderline behavior, to me. Have you ever been screened for a personality disorder? If you can possibly speak to a professional about this, I really think you ought to...

The only thing is, I am absolutely terrified she'll think I'm trying to self-diagnose, but I'm not! I'm hoping they tell me I don't have any personality disorder, but I'm worried I won't have the proper treatment unless she really looks into it to be sure I'm accurately diagnosed. I also don't want to look like a know-it-all. I honestly don't know what is wrong with me, and that's her job, not mine.

How do I approach that kind of topic so it doesn't look like I'm making my own diagnosis?

Well, I'm not in therapy, but I've always thought that one personality inventory I've done, I'd just carry it in- I mean it's already a professionally administered self-test so it's what someone would hand me to take, anyway- and be like 'I took this test out of curiosity you might find it handy, you might not but I thought I'd let you draw your own conclusions from it'

Nothing 'self-diagnosing' about that.