Is this a combination of POCD and PTSD or am I just a Pedo?

TW sexual experimentation , child porn

spoiler alert: this is pretty messed up

to any stranger reading this, I would appreciate if you could just spend your time to read this and reply me with your thoughts



I will try to explain in detail. i will just say something about myself

So growing as a kid, I was hated by every teacher in the school mostly due to the fact that I always ask them silly questions. I remember during sixth grade, my teacher made me sit in the ground for 2 months instead of sitting in the desk. I still don't know why she made me to do that. I still don't know why everyone hated me. Well I never had someone to call as a friend. Every people used to talk to me but no one was interested to be friend with me. Also I used to be a very active boy at the church like helping the priests, doing alter service. Priests there would praise me always and the other boys used to hate it. They used to treat me like a untouchable. I don't know if one could call this abuse, but often this includes ignoring me if they are doing something, always seeing me like someone untouchable, and I remember one incident, when the priest of the church called some boys to help him, I still remember how they hated me being there and how they made me to go away because they thought i am taking all the attention of the priest. I still remember how lonely they made me to feel like. I have no idea why I am sharing this, but i said ya I am going into detail.

So since I was a kid, I used to be very sexually active. I still remember I dry humped a pillow without even knowing what sex is, playing doctor or experimenting with neighbour kid when I was around 6 or 7.

Well I mostly spend my time isolated. I really didn't had enough of world knowledge. My parents are pretty strict and I was raised in a strict catholic home.i was sheltered kid, never had anyone to call true friends

I never got a proper sex education . I remember my teacher skipped that topic when I was in the eighth grade as she could not explain it because of its taboo nature.

I started to watch porn at a very young age like when I was around 11 . I anyway when ever someone asked me about whether I see those stuffs, I will always say no and even question them what does that even mean. I cuss anyone in my life. When I was around in my 5th grade, I saw some other boys using those curse words,that is when i took a oath myself that i would never cuss someone at any situation and still now i was able to live like that. I literally don't know why I am sharing this with you but I never told this to anyone before, as I never had anyone to tell this. not speaking cuss made me image of the "good guy". but I used to go to home and watch porn later.


so fast forward to 12th december 2020, little did i know that it is going to be my last day on this earth that I am geinunely going to be happy.

so at that night it was around 11:30 pm night . ya know I used to be a porn addict and i would masturbate atleast 4 times a day daily.

so i was learining ethical hacking then. i was in a urge to complete the portions asap as in a few days my college was going to start.

so one of that portions include dark web.
before this incident, when ever i think about dark web, i would get anxiety, a dangeroussness, because that is how people told me about dark net.
also , I would be very scared, because, I am that kind of kid who use to be very curious. I remember when someone says me something is dangerous, I would do it more. I am extremely worried that i might go to dark net in accident.
well for this lesson, I obiously wanted to go to dark net. for that we need to go to a site that contained some links that will let you to dark net. when I was scrolling through those links there were a lot of links, which tells things like hire a huntsman, hire a hacker and a lot of things like that. in that one link said jail bait site. well I really didn't know what that site was. I got very curious and clicked into it. well the link was broke. well again my ######6 curiosity raised. i again gone into the search engine in the tor browser and typed jail bait sites. a bunch of links popped up and well you might probably guessed, it was child porn. well thankgod it was not any abuse images but images of under age teen girls posing for selfie. some of them were nude( they did that for their boyfriend? ) . anyway i really don't remember ( I am pretty sure there was no pre puberty girls or abuse images but I really don't know as a lot of memories are being deleted due to my anxiety and you will be seeing the reason for my anxiety below.) seeing any abuse material or any pre puberty girl( i know that is not going to change the fact that I watched illegal material any way i am saying.)

well i used to be a very horny guy, ( like any teen i guess?), so much horny that even if a girl touched me, I will touched me, I will masturbating by fantasizing that. ( only girls my age or above). i used to be a sex addict and i would masturbate like 4 times a day atleast.
well when i saw those things online, i got a lof of thoughts like fear, worry, anxiety and a lot. and the ardenaline rush was so high and my brain told me to masturbate to it. I still remember, more than masturbating as a result of being aroused, i masturbated because of the tabooness and a elevated feeling. I really don't remember fantasing while masturbating or being aroused by what i saw.


I wanted to mention this I never fantasized children in sexual way. not then, not before, not ever.

well i hope the story ended up there, well no it is not . only here going to come the worst part.


well after doing this for the next day and a day after that, i felt immense guilt and shame for what I have done. I don't know if i felt the guiltness and sheme for what i watched or for what if i got arrested. well the guilt was there for two days but the second day it was far less. the next day i was seeing a legal porn in porn hub . some one mentioned about pedophillia in the comment section. until then i don't know there was a word like that existed. so again ######6 curious me gone to google and searched for pedophillia and found out that they are the persons who are attracted to people who are under 13. i still remember analysing past, and the child porn incident came to mind and then i just tole myself that i am pretty sure the girls were more than 13. again i was not convinced and something made me to think that I am a pedophile( although I know I never fantasized kids my whole life).
any way ya know previously i have misdiagoned myself with a lot of things. like for example i thought i was going bald and i was obsessing about this and it caused me execessive distress. so i went to google and typed for treatment and after i know that there is cure possible , i would say to myself, ok no problem, you can get hair transplant . i would do this to a lof of disease.( altho 90% of the time they were misdiagnosed). but this time when i searched for the cure of pedophillia, I got the resula saying that there is no cure available. well that is where i was struck. I didn't know what to do. I thought that there is still a way and gone to youtube and search for pedophile and gone into a video saying " life of a virtous pedophile" and when i looked at the like to dislike ratio, the dislike was way high. that is when i asked myself am I a pedophile? the society's most hated group? and that is when i saw a lot of things about child abuse., and suddenly a memory that i did in my childhood popped up.
well this is the most embarrasing part and i am really ashamed to go into details.

well when I was around 12-14, I experimented with my sister sexually. my sister was only 5 around then. well this was the time I discovered how to masturbate for the firsttime, how babies are made ( till then i was thinking that babies are born if two people kissed each other).
well I was very excited to notice the new harmonal changes in my body.
well one day my sister came into my room without wearing any clothes. i was very excited to see a girl naked. i was 12 then and probably that was the first time i saw a lady part naked for the first time. i suddenly make her to come to me and made her to sit on my lap and asked her to draw something on a paper ( i cannot even type the next thing, my fingers are shaking. i told her we are going to play a game and i basically touched her private part and then masturbated myself. There was no penetration or no one was hurted. this happened 2 to 3 times. I am pretty sure she didn't even know I did that to her. I thought my mum will schold me if she ever found out. it happened around 2 to 3 times, and i didn't did that anymore. well I did not considered this a big deal . well I didn't know what i was doing was a crime. I never really had proper sex education. I remember my teacher skipped the sex education topic because she thought it was very taboo and she was not comfortable teaching that. I did a lot of other sexual things too. like masturbating by seeing my mom bathing( which i still regret) , I even tried to ask my friend for sex(he was a male too and I am not a gay and still have no idea why i planned to do that).


so i remember this incident and i would obsess over it. only this incident would be running through my head.

i first time i remember this incident was when i was in my school in 2019 and there was a meeting about child sexual abuse. well that is when i remember what i did. I never saw myself as a kid in that incident instead a grown ass man. I saw myself as a grown ass man and i felt immense guilt. I was occupied by guilt and shame that whole day, and later i some how forgot about that the same day.
i would get this memory when ever someone talked about childhood abuse since then like i remember last year i saw a drama in youtube in which how a sexual abuser's mother crying about what her son did and i considered myself in that situation and i remember cried out of guilt and shame. anyway in that drama the man was a adult, and I considered mysefl as an adult eventhough i was a kid then.

I think this is ptsd because of some incidents happened that I have mentioned below.

ya know i suffered from guilt and shame for what i did in the child hood.. that will be the only incident that would be in my brain. i was not able to do anything. i suffererd for 2 months straight. and one day, i some how was able to forgive myself and move on. all these two months, i was also constantly asking myself questions like are you a pedophile and i would just ignore that. on that day i gone into church, and that is when are you a pedophile question come to me again. and i saw a little girl on the church and i that is when the intrusive thoughts popped up. a lot of intrusive thoughts. and that is when my pocd started. I am now occupied with false memories.
as any other guy, when i see a women, i used to notice their secondary sexual characters like their ass, their breasts.

I suddenly rememaber sometimes i do the same for kids, not in a sexual way, but like look that 12 year old have a big breasts than my classmate .
but now i feel like i looked those in a sexual way. I don't know how to react to these false memories.
I have been anxiout like 24/7 and now the anxiety is making me to forgot some of my past memories and i am wondering what are all my past memories and what are all my real memoreis.
well my ocd is making everything worse. well i used to be the kind of person who try place myself in the positions of others. like for examlple if i someone who lost their loved one, i would put myself in that situation to feel like how it would be feeling for them( i hope that makes sense. )
welll now i after i saw a new about a rapist who raped and killed a little girl, i am placing myself in that rapists' place and imagining myself doing that. it causes me intense anxiety, guilt, fear, worry. it everytime freaks me out tbh.
also i remember masturbating to a cartoon show . i masturbated to it like 3 or 4 time. it was a youtube and i think that video is still available in youtube and i will link it here( i hope linking a youtube video is not illegal here is some reuploaded video

*mod edit*


also here comes the incidents that is making me to feel like this is all ptsd
this one

So I remember last year a 8 year old girl came to my room to play. She was closing the door for some reason. But I said her to keep the door opened. I thought it was the appropriate thing to do. I thought if I kept the door closed others would doubt me that I am doing bad to the kid. I thought it was the right thing to do.
But now I feel like I did it because I am someone who is capable of sexualizing children.

I mean if I could get that thought that some one will mistaken for me molesting a child, does that mean I thougth it because I am someone who thinks children as someone who is capable of sexualizing children. ,

I never fantasized children sexually, but when I imagine children in a nude manner, my mind is telling me a lot of thougths like hey look a child's private part is exactly look like an adult womens private part when they shave, so you are attracted to them.

I never fantasized about kids, but I feel like I am someone who is capable of sexualizing children. I don't understand. What am I?



and this one too
Last year when I was around 17 a little girl ( who was around 9 or 10 I guess?)
Yeah she was sitting in my room and I saw a hole in crotch area. She was wearing a leggins. I suddenly thought to myself that I should not look at it, I should not look at it , I am being appropriate, I should not look at it I have told this to my self around a million tike and ended up looking at it. Thank god she was wearing an underware. But why did I did that in the first place? Why did I thought it is inappropriate to even look at a child's private part? Am I someone who is keep thinking children are sexual being? Would I have got aroused if I have seen that?
I really don't remember having any sexual thoughts or urges, instead it was more like being appropriate.
But why I did that in the first place? If I am a normal human, I wouldn't have even thought that seeing a kids groin is inappropriate right? I wouldn't had any any sexual feeling even if I see children naked right?
Also, I just wanted to mention that I never remember finding kids attractive and not even once masturbated imagining children sexually.


well i just wanted to end this by saying i never had any sexual interest in kids but my pocd is telling me i had. I never had even single fantasy of having sex with kids. even now when i think about it, it gives me intense guilt, cringe. and anxiety.

what is wrong with me? I don't know really.
someone help me

this is like my complete story and yeah that is it.

I think you're overthinking this, if you were really attracted to minors as a paraphilia, I think you'd know it. I don't know what to say beyond that.