Am i a monster???

Ok so recently my ocd changed themes and now it has become 10 times more vicious for me. So what happened was in the afternoon i remembered something. Prior to my ocd diagnosis 1 and a half years ago i saw a hentai comic about beastility and at that time i thought that it was good(not because of the animal theme but because of the kind of treatment the girl was getting). When i remembered it my mind automatically said that you are into animals and i was like no this can't be true because i never thought of animals like this in my normal life but then i remembered once when i was seeing porn, I myself wrote "women with horse"on the search bar, like i don't know why i wrote that because i know is animal abuse and i in no way support it and then i saw a wooden horse on the thumbnail and closed the tab.
Then once i was seeing erotica and came across a story in which a girl had sex with a dog and i thought that i was turned on by that. I swear by my words that I have never ever been attracted to animals and never so porn like that again. Whenever i saw a news of people committing crimes like this i thought-eww how could people do that but now when i remembered all this i feel like i am no different from them and i nees to punished.
All of this is causing me so much distress and i feel like i should just die.Plzz help me figure this out .

Hello and welcome to the forums!

It sounds as if your OCD is getting away with you- especially the vehemence of the accusations your brain is hurling at you- please try not to overthink this- at worse it could be seen as a porn kink it hardly means you're into any of this.

Thank you so much for replying.
I also thought that it could be a porn kink but it is very much wrong for me and it really makes me feel like a monster because animals should always be treated with love,care and respect.
Once again thank you for listening to me. You have helped me in many ways.

Kiwi11 wrote:Ok so recently my ocd changed themes and now it has become 10 times more vicious for me. So what happened was in the afternoon i remembered something. Prior to my ocd diagnosis 1 and a half years ago i saw a hentai comic about beastility and at that time i thought that it was good(not because of the animal theme but because of the kind of treatment the girl was getting). When i remembered it my mind automatically said that you are into animals and i was like no this can't be true because i never thought of animals like this in my normal life but then i remembered once when i was seeing porn, I myself wrote "women with horse"on the search bar, like i don't know why i wrote that because i know is animal abuse and i in no way support it and then i saw a wooden horse on the thumbnail and closed the tab.
Then once i was seeing erotica and came across a story in which a girl had sex with a dog and i thought that i was turned on by that. I swear by my words that I have never ever been attracted to animals and never so porn like that again. Whenever i saw a news of people committing crimes like this i thought-eww how could people do that but now when i remembered all this i feel like i am no different from them and i nees to punished.
All of this is causing me so much distress and i feel like i should just die.Plzz help me figure this out .

First things first, you're not alone. Know that people suffer from this type but ocd, but also other people look at those kinds of things. I have gotten off too (not anymore) hentai and comics like this in the past. Yet, I have never once looked at an animal and thought "yeah i wanna ###$ that". I have also gotten off to some pretty #######5 hentai in which I've cut out due to my OCD and guilt around it.
I'm 16, you sound pretty young too.
When things like that hit you like a freight train, it can be really scary.

I find myself ruminating and thinking about things I thought while looking at specific types of hentai, and the guilt washes over me and makes me restless.

You aren't a bad person, you we're discovering and doing what felt good. You probably weren't into the animal theme, but the treatment the girl was receiving. Almost without a doubt. Because that's how I CONSCIOUSLY feel towards it. Despite OCD themes.
I have no want to do strange things to animals.

What's important to remember is how you feel NOW. You don't need to convince anyone, and not even yourself. Uncertainty is the fear, so don't focus on how to be certain about it.

But again, you sound young. No one could blame you for something like that.
And personally, I don't find you to be a bad person for liking the specific hentai.

I don't doubt after this is solved, it will be something new and the cycle of different things you've done will pop up. Things that were obsolete before. All in an effort to try and prove something utterly false in your head.

That's all the OCD is, false.

I also know, Intrusive thoughts are easy to wane while things you've done are real. You've done them.
You're natural response will be to disprove.

Even I haven't found a certain way to disprove things I've done besides reassurance seeking.

One important thing to do is to let it rest in your mind and not think WITH it.
Just think about it, but don't question it.
Know that it's not you, and maybe something stupid you did.

We all make mistakes, just continue on. Time won't stop for you, and soon you'll totally get over it.