Struggling Immensely with HOCD

So I posted here a while back talking about my story with HOCD. Unfortunately, it hasn't improved since then, and it's in fact gotten so much worse. I am unable to forgive myself for being aroused by gay porn, I wish I could go back and stop myself from ever discovering that. It also feels like I'm aroused by femboys which means I'm bi, even though I don't want to do anything with men at all in real life. At least I don't think I do, but with HOCD it makes me think I want it.

It's also killed my attraction to women, and is saying that I was never attracted to them to begin with and that I was in fact "comphet." I know my attraction to women was real! I always felt very strongly towards them and had crushes on them, it had to be real! And I couldn't just change from straight to gay, at most it would be bi right?

Even if that's the case, I'm terrified of being bi because I don't want to be attracted to men. I have no idea whether I like them or not, because my brain says I'm attracted to every. single. guy. I ever see. It doesn't matter what age or how attractive he is, doesn't matter if it's someone close to me, hell it's even tried to tell my I'm attracted to MYSELF like WTF that's so dumb.

This has ruined my life. I'm not eating or sleeping, and I don't enjoy anything anymore. My grades are slipping. I go to sleep every night hoping that I don't wake up. While most people who suffer from HOCD are experiencing irrational fears, I'm afraid I don't have that luxury and that recovery for me means coming out as bi. I'm in therapy now, but I haven't started ERP yet but I'm so scared to because I just know it's gonna end up with me not being straight. Please help me, I have no idea what to do.

I have been suffering from HOCD for months now, and nothing seems to be working for it. Therapy isn't helping, and nothing I've done on my own time works. So last night I decided "Fine, I'll just accept that I'm bi. It's not what I wanted, but I can't deny it anymore."

The reason I believe I'm not straight is my arousal to gay erotica/porn. I discovered this last year when I read something gay and it aroused me so I began masturbating to that. Then it changed to actual porn with men. I have always felt deep shame after doing this, and I wish I'd never gotten into it. It even felt more intense than watching or thinking about something with girls, even though I've felt attracted to girls in real life but not guys. I always chalked that up to the novelty of watching it, plus the fear I felt during it which combined with arousal made for some really intense emotions. It's made it harder to get aroused by women too, which makes the HOCD worse.

Last month I got into nofap/pornfree in an attempt to beat this. I started reading articles from yourbrainonporn and it told me everything I wanted to hear. I'd just ###$ up my brain with porn, and to reset these urges all I had to do was abstain from porn/masturbating for 90 days. I felt elated, I knew I could get my life back! I made it ten days before I decided to quit, after realizing my arousal wasn't coming back. I looked into the nofap movement and the man who runs the yourbrainonporn site, and it seems there isn't any scientific data to back up it's claims. Plus it won't help with my HOCD because it encourages certainty that people will be straight again once they're done.

Last night I realized therapy wasn't going to help me, so I thought the only thing I could do was accept that I am bi. I have been trying ever since then but all I feel is anxious and depressed. I don't want to date men, and I don't think I want to have sex with them either, but it's so hard to tell now after months with HOCD. I feel like I've lost a part of myself, like I'll never be myself again. And now the HOCD is telling me that I'm actually gay and using the concept of compulsory heterosexuality to invalidate any attraction/arousal to women that I've had. I know I like women, I've always felt very strongly towards them sexually and I've had countless crushes on them. So the most I'd be in this scenario is bi right?

I thought accepting it would make the thoughts stop, but instead of having constant thoughts about it and feeling anxious, I'm just feeling depressed and the thoughts are still there. If anybody could give me advice on what to do, I would greatly appreciate it because I feel so lost now.

All I can say, is that if you have no real world interest in other males then I still feel as if this is the OCD talking. I've heard it's possible that guys get into gay porn without really wanting it, I don't know. That's what I've heard though. I think if you were bisexual that you'd want to be with guys for some reason- it could be just the physical acts or certain body parts- there's no rule that sex being Bi means you like men and women in the same fashion; that's not how it works for many. But some kind of itch would be there. If there's no itch....

Thank you for replying. I've been so scared of this recently. It makes me start freaking out whenever I see a guy. I used to be able to deal with this by saying "Well I'd NEVER want to be intimate with a guy in real life, I only want to do that with a girl!" But the OCD has been in my head for so long I can't even tell what I want anymore. It keeps putting the thought in my head that I want sex with men, although I don't think I've ever looked a guy and desired him the way I have women. OFC, it's so hard to tell anymore.

I feel like I ###$ up my head and it can never get back to the way I was. I cannot stop viewing guys in a sexual context and I hate it so much. I know all of this is my fault for getting into the porn before. It didn't even bother me much at first TBH, sure I'd feel disgusted afterwards but I'd always rationalize that I wasn't interested in men IRL. But then I read TONS of people saying that's how they realized they weren't straight, and that they later on started noticing guys in person. I think that's why my OCD has latched onto this.

I really don't think porn/fantasies have a huge impact on one's orientation, but whenever I try to rationalize this, it feels like I'm in denial. It also feels like there's so much pressure for me to be bi because of this, I've read countless pages and forums of people saying they're "straight but watch gay porn/have gay fantasies" and almost everyone who replies says "You're not straight then. You have to accept yourself for who you are." I almost feel like I've lost my right to call myself straight, because straight people wouldn't enjoy this stuff. I've even heard people say "If you have to ask the question 'Am I straight?' you're not straight." But I don't think that's true really, people make it out to be so simple but what I've learned over this whole thing is that sexuality is extremely complicated. And I tried coming out to myself and accepting that I'm bi, I've done that probably a dozen times now, but whenever I do, I always either have a panic attack or just get depressed. I don't think doing that will solve my problems.

hocdguy wrote: I almost feel like I've lost my right to call myself straight, because straight people wouldn't enjoy this stuff. I've even heard people say "If you have to ask the question 'Am I straight?' you're not straight." But I don't think that's true really, people make it out to be so simple but what I've learned over this whole thing is that sexuality is extremely complicated.

Sexuality is complicated as Hell, and I think that's a problem with HOCD, and even POCD to an extent. I think given the right circumstances, nearly everyone is capable of sex outside the norm- and yes I'm calling Heterosexuality the norm, because it is. But given the right circumstances people find themselves doing other things. Or being attracted to other things. I'm one of those who believe very few people could call themselves 100% straight. Or gay. However, I do also believe that most people are so close to one, or the other, that it's not anything that impacts their life to any degree.

Unless you have OCD. OCD wants 1000% certainty, and that's a certainty that you can't have.

If... we want to leave the OCD plantation, you're welcome to start a thread in Sexuality (subforum of Relationships). Or PM me, which isn't something I usually offer to people, but if you want to explore sexuality without the albatross of OCD around your neck we'll go outside of OCD to talk about it. I don't believe in wrapping the OCD forum regulars in bubble wrap, but there is a limit to triggering content and I don't want casual readers here to just find reasons to ramp up their HOCD. Besides which, this isn't the forum for it. I think you're speaking from OCD but I do admit to a little mixed signals. Which might make the discussion something for 'not OCD forum'.

I've had three people in the past day tell me that if the thought of being bi causes this much agony and stress, that I'm probably straight, but I don't think that's necessarily true because I've heard of plenty of people who hated themselves for their orientation before they accepted themselves. But either way, it's made me almost scared to recover in a way because I'm worried that my fear of not being straight is the only thing keeping me straight. I've always been comfortable with my identity and I don't really want it to change. It just seems so weird that it would change now, I'm 20 you'd think I would've shown some signs earlier if I was bi.

Assuming I am able to recover from HOCD, do I even HAVE to explore my sexuality? Is there any way I could return to how I was before all of this, and be confidant in my orientation, or are those days behind me? I agree with you that most people probably aren't 100% straight or gay, but they likely fall somewhere on the Kinsey Scale that's not a 0 or a 6. I could accept being a 1 or so on the Kinsey Scale, but my fear is that it goes further than that. I'll admit that the stuff I've indulged isn't orthodox for a straight person, but I never have really felt that "itch" you described for men like I have for women. I'm scared that this is going to change, and as a result I over-analyze every single guy I look at. My brain tries to convince me that I'm attracted to ALL of them, and it's terrifying. I'm just really not sure what to do anymore, I wish I'd never gotten myself into all of this because it's really taken a toll on my life.

Also, if you think I should move this to the Sexuality page, I would be happy to do so because I don't want to trigger anybody else struggling with this. I know how easy it is to go from feeling fine to spiraling from just one trigger, and I do not want to do that to anyone.

I think you would have known before now, also.

hocdguy wrote: It just seems so weird that it would change now

It's my understanding it doesn't.

hocdguy wrote:I'm worried that my fear of not being straight is the only thing keeping me straight

That sounds like a spin on the usual thing where people in here get scared 'cause they stop being scared of it- which if you think about it, is kind of the whole point. To not have anxiety over it.

Yeah one would think I would've noticed some strong feelings towards men during my teenage years, IMO it would have been pretty hard to ignore during that time lol.

Right now I'm having one of my rare "lucid moments" that have become less and less frequent over this whole ordeal. I feel pretty confident in my sexuality right now, and I'm confidant that I'm straight. I don't know how long this will last, because it never really stays for long, but I'm enjoying the calm while I have it. I know the whole point of beating OCD is to accept the uncertainty anyways, so it's not like I'm cured instantly because I didn't do anything to get like this lol.

TYSM for listening to my incessant rambling about this today lol. I'm sure I'll probably return to this thread tomorrow or another day when the doubt comes back. I guess this just shows that the problem really isn't my sexuality, but how my brain is reacting to everything (OFC it's easy to say that now when I'm not freaking out about it lol). Although I feel pretty confidant right now, I'm still analyzing every person I see to gauge my attraction, so I should probably focus on stopping that. I have recently started therapy with an OCD specialist, and I'm trying to read books and articles in between meetings to educate myself on this illness. I'm hoping to reclaim my life from this in the coming weeks and months, because as of late my mind has become nothing but a playground for OCD.