Feel like a confirmed pedo. Feeling like hell. Please read

Hey. I'd suffering from what I thought was pocd for over half a year now. But now i think it may just be real. Ive been testing myself a lot lately. A lot of the times I'd just get the worst responses. Feelings of attraction and groinal actively. I desperately tried telling myself it was just my brain ######6 with me, as prior to this the ages I was attracted to were all relatively normal. Never had any weird crushes or anything, everything was age appropriate. I really didn't have much of a reason to think I was a p. I had been showing pure-o symptoms for a decent while now, but it was this year that this disease really came crashing into me head first. At first, i had this obsession that i might've been trans. Except it wasnt that simple, because being trans was my desired outcome rather than what I feared. I had been feeling somewhat uncomfortable with my gender (Im a 20 y/o male btw) for awhile now and i guess i was also feeling super insecure with myself and the fact that i was just a boring old straight white dude. I would hyper examine my past and my thoughts for signs i may've been a trans girl. While I certaintly found things, it even felt like I was starting to feel both gender dysphoria and euphoria, i still hadnt shown very many signs that it was really true. It was very confusing as I couldnt make heads or tails of things. Eventually I just decided I wasnt gonna figure it out. This is relevant tho because I think I ###$ up my sexuality here. See I became hyper aware of female features and whether or not I was attracted to them at this point. It wasnt just physical tho, just hearing stuff to do with girls made me feel some groinal sensation. Like hearing the word "period" or just hearing a pretty name or even she/her pronouns. The way girls acted too messed with me as well, like if a girl acted really cutsey or feminine i would get a groinal. I started feeling attracted to nearly every girl I saw to some extent, including my family. It was awful. And what made things worse is as my depression and anxiety worsened, i started masturbating a lot. I developed a bit of an addiction. Now, even at this point things were fine. No attractions to anyone illegal. But I was uncomfortable around my female friends, constantly feeling really hyper aware of them and getting groinals a lot. I think I was going through an episode of hypersexuality. I have a personality disorder and it can be a symptom so its possible. I was certaintly feeling hypersexual. Its worth mentioning at this point I had always had a turbulent relationship with sexuality. I always felt I was some breed of asexual, cause I didnt feel much attraction towards the human body. I hand some clothing fetishes and a hand fetish tho, so I could still get pretty horny. I liked boobs too but usually more modest boobs. But it wasn't that I was attracted to underdeveloppedness I dont think, just a lack of attraction in general. I liked smooth skin too, which really unnerved me cause obviously kids had smooth skin too. And yet i had never been attracted to them?? However after the trans obsession and having this bizarre hyperawareness, i had much stronger reactions to the female body. Also worth mentioning is i was super lonely and desperately wanted a gf, so that coupled with the hyperawareness made me feel like i wanted to date every girl i met? K think i even forced myself to be attracred to some girls cause i didn't wanna be shallow. Anyway, i had a lot of other obsessions after that one. Then i started getting scared i had a crush on two fourteen year olds. Remember, even hearing female pronouns gave me groinals. I know I wasnt physically attracted to them, but idk my body still gave me these really debilitating responses. They acted much older for their ages and i think maybe it confused me? I dont know. Probably just denial. Like they were both really funny and thats something I want in a girl, so idk. It felt awful tho. There were times I could tell myself it was all in my head, and honestly eventually i got over it and felt decently normal? But i was still masturbating a ton and things plummetted when i went to go see this movie where one of the main actors was 14 or 15. I remember this girl being kind of hypersexualized in the media, and this made me nervous going into it cause I was afraid I was gonna be attracted to her. And sure enough, it felt like I was slightly attracted. There were some moments where she looked too young and i was like nah, but others where she looked slightly older and i felt really bad. I was miserable throughout the whole movie. This was when my POCD really started. I began becoming terrified I may be a pedophile. I started testing constantly to see if i was attracted to kids at this point and was always ruminating on it. I got terrible groinals and again what i hoped were false attractions. Some of it i can look back on and conclude my brain was ######6 with me. But other stuff? Idk. Again I should mention that even at this point i was still masturbating constantly. Always to legal stuff, though i did occasionally masturbate to anime high school girls. What scared me tho was i felt like i could get off to any girl to some extent provided they were at least kind of pretty? Like i felt like i could get off to anything. I knew i wasnt attracted to underdeveloppedness, but as i obsessively tested and checked i felt like i kept noticing how pretty a lot of younger girls were? Since my relationship with sexual attraction was so bad i couldn't tell if it was aesthetic appreciation or not? I got bad groinals too so idk. I think masturbating as much as I did throughout this period didnt help much. Again I also have a hand fetish and felt i could get off to the hands of certain young ones. It was an awful feeling. Whenever I did get false attractions, at least thats wwhat i thought they were, it was usually with girls who looked slightly older for their age, and sometimes it felt like my brain made them seem older? Idk if that makes sense. Part of me wants to believe that maybe this was all due to some hypersexuality or hormones, since I was definitely a late bloomer, but idk. My fear mainly revolved around 12-14 year olds, but I get bad responses to younger ones. It honestly freaked me the ###$ out. Idk, my obsession had a lot of peaks and valleys, with a lot of awful thoughts and feelings that i honestly cant tell were intrusive or not. All i know is that i was pretty constantly miserable and suicidal. All I really knew for certain was that I desperately didnt wanna feel like this. I was terrified I was a pedo. I would constantly test myself with scenarios involving young ones, both romantic and sexual, and I always got this awful feeling of fear mixed with enjoyment. It didnt feel good. Idk it was so bad. It felt like I wanted all of this? There were even moments where i played along with the thoughts, idk if this was out of exhaustion or what. Every time I was around someone young I felt like a predator. There was definitely a lot of overthinking on my part, and yet some of it still felt so real? Also worth mentioning that it wasnt kids i was getting these responses with. I got it with men and my family, even myself. I could legit turn myself on by acting all feminine and stuff. Idfk man. But one thing I could say for sure is i always had awful anxiety accompanying me. But that changed recently. Recently I was going through a pretty bad spike, and in the midst of my panic i was testing myself a lot. I used loli to test myself, which i never looked at in the past cause i always hated the stuff, but when i looked at it i felt attracted and also got groinals? But i had no anxiety. It just felt like a real response. I know a lot of it was hypersexualized, but these were still very young girls. Idk man. I had NO anxiety. It felt so real. i domt know anymore. Is there any hope for me? Am i a p? Its all been very confusing but this obsession has essentially ruined my life. Idk what to do anymore.