I can barely function anymore, am I a monster in denial?

I cannot stop getting these intrusive thoughts about when my groinal responses made me masturbate to those pictures (nudist pics), I always remember feeling guilty and naseous afterwards, but now I get more memories of possibly unconsciously masturbating to pics of children peeing on family blogs when I was 13, and the more I think about it I just want to kill myself and I feel so disgusted(I remember after masturbating to those pictures I felt guilt and shame.) Is it possible that I was a pedophile back when I first hit puberty than began getting turned on by women and getting guilt from those times? I now feel I am just a pedophile in denial instead of this being OCD, I feel if I try to take my mind off of these disgusting thoughts and memories I truly am a pedophile in the making.. since the spring remember masturbating to those pictures I quit masturbating to nudist children and those pictures and began masturbating to women, MLP porn, and lesbian porn. Does this make me a pedophile in denial or is it I actually am not a sick ###$ and actually it is my OCD. Is it possible that a 13 could have been a pedophile and changed his Sexual preferences as he grew older, because I feel naseous at the thought of those masturbating sessions and the thought of being a pedophile. I feel so ashamed that I masturbated to those pictures when I was 11-13, I feel I deserve death so I don't harm a child or be a pedo, or masturbate to those pictures again. I want help but I am too scared that a therapist will think I AM a pedophile. I just feel so sick and ashamed just remembering that. I just want to vomit right now...

Most times I masturbated to those pictures were due to groinal responses and I didn't know what to do back then other masturbate it away, I don't and never had thought anything Sexual about children.

Horrible wrote:masturbated to those pictures when I was 11-13

When you were a child, in other words.

I often think that folks who write that (and there are a lot of y'all that do) don't really see that. Kids... masturbating to other kids... seems... normal to me.

Snaga wrote:

Horrible wrote:masturbated to those pictures when I was 11-13

When you were a child, in other words.

I often think that folks who write that (and there are a lot of y'all that do) don't really see that. Kids... masturbating to other kids... seems... normal to me.

I just, in all honesty believe it could make pedophiles in the future. So I want to make sure I won't hurt a child or masturbate to another picture again.

Is there a complete sure way I never, ever masturbate to children? Like chemical catastration? Quitting masturbating and legal porn? I seriously don't want to become a pedophile that masturbates to children or CP, and is there a way to get rid of these intrusive thoughts?

Horrible wrote:Is there a complete sure way I never, ever masturbate to children? Like chemical catastration? Quitting masturbating and legal porn? I seriously don't want to become a pedophile that masturbates to children or CP, and is there a way to get rid of these intrusive thoughts?

I thought a lot of these things back when I was fixating on being a pedophile. I never ended up having to do any of that since my obsession moved back to the fear of being trans.

You can't really get rid of your intrusive thoughts, you can only get used to them and not let them bother you. They're all ego-dystonic, in other words, against your self-concept and what you know to be true about yourself.

Agreed with youllgetoverit. Ego dystonic. I separate my intrusive thoughts from the real me. Which is hard to do because OCD will scream at your that you're thinking it, so you must want it.

When I made myself stop worrying about my intrusive thoughts of killing- most usually pets and loved ones, which is the usual path intentional harm OCD takes- it got a LOT easier to deal with. The moment I let myself be even a little concerned, I can feel it threatening to snowball back into something that will require a ritual of some sort to prevent what I logically know isn't ever going to happen in the first place.

It's not magic. It's not rocket surgery. It's very simple.

It's also hard as hell to start doing. But, to borrow from Master Yoda... Do.... Or do not. There is no try.

You get better at it, by doing it. It takes practice and resolve.

The way I look at it, OCD is stubborn and illogical- no amount of reassurance or proof will satisfy. It comes down to being more stubborn than the intrusive thoughts. 'No I am NOT a pedophile and I will not care about it I'll worry about molesting children when I've done it not before which isn't going to happen anyway because I'm not a pedophile!" That's it end of story that's the answer I give OCD and that's all the answer OCD deserves.

Hi again, my OCD is getting better in some way, but the fear of masturbating to children is getting stronger. I have been checking to make sure I wasn't turned on, there was no erection thank goodness. But I am still afraid I will just snap and masturbate to pictures of kids that are like infant age to 8-11 years of age. And it freaks me out, I keep telling myself I am not a pedophile and wouldn't masturbate to such images. Now I am getting thoughts like "accept the fact your a pedophile, you will feel better" or "join a pedophile forum", and last but not least, "you masturbated to nudist pics of children in the past you are a pedophile" when in reality the pictures never turn me on, I just began masturbating out of no patience in finding pics of girls my age because most nudist pictures feature like 5 ######6 year old girls... I am so scared that I will accept my intrusive thoughts and become a pedophile or start masturbating to children again...

Try and not check. If you're not checking, then you're less likely to accidently do that, right?

Yeah, I want to atleast know full proof I will never masturbate to a child again since I was mid 13. It's been 3 years going strong, but I am afraid that it might happen again. Not being aroused by those pics did only provide minimal reassurance but I am Starting to realize It Is just OCD.