Could this have caused POCD (or worse?)

When I was younger (I'm talking like ten or eleven) I was fascinated with child abuse of all sorts, still am to an extent. Whenever a show would talk about it, I would tune in. Could this, coupled with not having much interaction with kids throughout my life have something to with what I'm going through now?

I feel horrible. It feels so real. I swear sometimes it feels like I like it... I hate myself.