Very long, ik. But please read. Is it Rocd?? And what do i d

Hey everyone. On may 1st i started having these thoughts about "what if I don't love him" " what if you fall out of love for him" " what if you find another guy attractive" "what if u fall in love with your bf's brother" " what if u cheat on him" etc etc.




So yesterday I opened up about everything to my bf, every stupid thought and sexual desires upon looking men/women. Told him everything except that to me sometimes he looks ugly and what i thought about his brothers because that's just messed up and absurd.. Can't do that. So he told me that he gets these thoughts too, but the difference between me and him is he doesn't ruminate on them or get anxious about them. He lets them be thoughts and tells himself that what a perfect girl he has. I on the other hand ruminate, overthink, feel like my thoughts are real, get anxiety, and get sudden urges to leave or to just find a solution. He said Thank yourself that I'm crazy in love with you. He said no one would stick with you after what u told me. But i do, because I'm in love with you. PS, we both are super religious.. atleast trying to be and this is my 1st ever long term serious relationship. For my bf this is his 3rd long term serious relationship. He says that he's never felt this way about any girl and that he got what he asked from God and is never letting go. I felt the same way until these rOCD thoughts started to haunt me. Idrk if I have rocd. I'm self diagnosed. Anyway then i was like there's times when I don't feel like talking or loving you and he said yes I have those moments too but i still love u despite. It's normal. Don't worry you're a normal and perfect person i love you. And omg I've never felt such a strong emotional bond with anyone except for my bf. We can talk about everything and our bond gets stronger and stronger. I felt so good and realized that it's normal.. well because i still didn't tell him about the thoughts i had on his looks that's what my mind latched on after we got off the call.



I went on Google and started finding topics on attractive in rocd. Still it couldn't satisfy my anxiety.
I went to sleep and woke up with even more messed up self.
1) when we are on call, my mind will be like " our relationship is weird", or if he expresses his love my mind will be like "ok this is weird" and then Because we both are in ldr we can talk for an hour or two and my mind goes like "ugh he is so clingy, why cant we just not talk and hang up" or when he opens us about his difficulty which he hardly does my mind goes like "ugh why is he talking so much, can't he just be quiet"!!!! This is so stupid i hateee this. I want to spend time and open up. Seee now even while typing that my mind tells me no u don't want to spend time and him to open up.. i was thinking just now that I'll regret if i let him go and my mind tells me otherwise. Or whenever our joking argument turns to real argument actually feel like leaving and I'll be about to leave and he'll say where u think you're going.. you're sticking with me... And I'll feel so pissed off, and tell myself why can't this annoying person just let me go.... I hate this


2) i feel like he's unattractive and i deserve someone attractive. Like some model guy. He's done a trade college and does a lot of hardwork in his job. He's a nice guy who loves God. But then i feel like i deserve some doctor who looks good...my bf has a dark skin and that dark skin wasn't a problem for me a year ago, and NOW his nose and skin colour is his biggest flaw for me (I've been raised in an environment where white skin is worshipped)... It's like my brain constantly tells me that i need to date a fairer and educated guy..... Everytime i look at something that's dark I immediately think about his flaws... I can't look at him without focusing on his flaws and my mind tells me he's ugly he's ugly...........


3) recently Everything i think, everything I feel, my brain questions why am i feeling/thinking that way. Like I'll be in love with him and my brain will go like don't love him. Why r u loving him... Or why do u want this relationship. Why do u want to be with him. Or when I'm in love or happy and talking to him, my mind tells me to not do it. Don't feel happy, don't feel like you're in love, don't talk to him...


4) whenever i randomly look at men, these thoughts come like " are u attracted to him" " what if u are" " do you want to be with him" "he's Better than ur bf". Then i find every flaw in the person that i randomly looked at.. i have to convince myself or tell myself that these men are ugly...


5) it's been a month of me dealing with this.. at this point I don't feel anxious anymore when the thoughts come.... I feel bad/ guilty when I don't feel anxious about them... It confuses me about what i want.. do i wanna be with him or not? I can't let him go... He's been so good to me.. I can't break his heart and faith.. but idk if i should breakup... I question myself should i break up or not. I mean there's no reason for me to break up... I can't do that.. i feel like I'm holding on just for his sake... And I hate this feeling or feeling this way... I wanna stay because i love him. And i love him.. ( see now brain told me that I don't love him but i didn't get any anxiety) i hate this........ what if i don't love him, and still staying with him... Do i stay just to not cause heart ache..
Love is a choice.. i know but still..... I am soo confused.....
Anyway yes how do i stop thinking all that crap plus thinking that he's ugly just because he's dark......
I really don't feel any anxiety rn and I don't hate the way I'm thinking rn.... I'm confused..
Is this rOCD or just real... I can't break his heart.. should i just keep on loving him selflessly even tho I'm not in love or just stop..... Please help