Hocd or Gay need Assistance

Hi all

It saddens me to be on here but not sure what to do or where else to turn to.

I will try and keep my story as brief as possible as i know all our stories have been going on for years and can be mentally draining for us all.

I never questioned my sexuality until i was probably about 18/19- i was a healthy young man well into fitness/football just enjoying a normal childhood. I was always into girls for as long as i can remember playing kiss catch as a young child, going to parties and wanting to get with girls, wanting to sleep with girls... you get my drift.

I then started working in catering and my head chef was a bit of an older women and she started taking a liking to me which made me felt great, We ended up having a relationship and the sex was great as i was so inexperienced. A few years years down the line she was saying that her ex husband was potentially bisexual and that i reminded of him and that is where it all began.

I then began to run through these questions in my head what if i could be that way, it began to take over my life sexual thoughts of men entering in my head, graphic thoughts of men at that point were very disturbing and dissatisfying. I told the women i was with at the time what was going on and she laughed and told me that i wasn't gay, but i needed to keep asking her day in day to get my reassurance. I then started then to do compulsions by bending over to imagine the thought of been penetrated, kissing walls and imagining them to be men, running through scenarios through my head of giving oral to try and get a response and an answer, finding theories online surveys about fingers lengths, hair Whorls, Twin theroys ( I am unidentical twin)

My partner became that concerned about me she went to meet my parent to tell them of my situation as i was drinking heavily, going online, trying to find my answer i even got her to use her dildo on me to try and get my answer.

With all this going on a became a recluse from the world for the best part of 3 years and with my situation and constant question to my partner at the time i drove her away.

At this point i know i needed to see someone as i was in some very dark places and my family became very concerend. i was very anxious and upset all the time needing to find my answer. I then went to the GP who then refereed me to CBT which was great.

I then began seeing another girl who i am with now of 8 years. after about 2 years into our relationship she new there was something wrong which i ended up telling her. There was tears from us both and she has been my rock every since, she came to therapy with me a hand full of times and we got through it and have the best time for about years.

The CBT helped massively and i was able to control things and stop my compulsions but also manage my thoughts and began enjoying my life.

Unfortunately is has now come back with 10 fold and i am a point where i believe i could actually go with a man and enjoy it.

A big factor for me that is plaguing me is the thought of receiving anal sex, when i have watched gay porn in the past to check, they seem to enjoy it so much i feel honestly now that its looks quite satisfying.

When i picture kissing men it doesn't bother me and think i could do it. (Please also note i am not homophobic i work with a lot of gay people iat my work) What i am getting and i know this might sounds immature and i don't want it coming a crossing like that but if a man is heterosexual the thought of been with a man shouldn't be pleasing to them.

I am at a point in my life now where i almost feel i know i am that way and need to go out and try it to get my answer or confirmation so i can be at piece.

Please note i suffered with OCD as a child, light switching, doijg thing a certain thing 3/5 imes, had to be an odd number.

is it possible that i am gay and i just don't want to be.

Sorry if i have blabbed on, i hope the message above doesn't t make anyone feel at unease that is not my intention. I am just someone looking for some help and assistance.

Sorry for any grammatical or spelling errors

Kind regards

Without a history- from at least adolescence- of thinking about the same sex, I find it hard to think you could be gay or bi. This sounds as if you're overthinking occasional thoughts, which I'm given to understand are common, as well as overthinking the... absence of being repulsed by something, with the need to actually do it. My opinion.

Thank you I appreciate your response. Occasional thoughts is probably not the word. This is relentless. I love my girlfriend very much and enjoy have sexual contact with her and without getting too graphic I love giving her oral. I love seeing her naked and love perving on her when getting dressed. I am struggling to understand what you mean with your statement about the repulsed bit. Thanks again for the response

Hi thank you for the reply much appreciated. The thoughts are relentless from the time
I wake up to the moment I go to bed . analysing and going through scenarios in my head picturing men to wait for a response and because I don’t get that response like I use to it feels like it means I want it. All the time watching porn and watching anal to imagine what the receiving end is feeling like and be I love my girlfriend very much and love seeing her naked, having sex with her. Love watching her walk round in her underwear

I think there's an expectation with the folks who post here, that you're supposed to be immediately repulsed by thoughts of the sexual activity opposite to your stated orientation. I think that's unrealistic. I think we're all capable of at least a little sexual fluidity. Also think few people could claim absolute straight or gayness. Sexual thoughts create a sexual response, if you work at it hard enough. Also there's fantasies. People fantasize about things they aren't likely to really want to do.

But folks with sexual OCD want 1000% assurance, it's not enough to be 99% something. And when you feel you don't have a strong enough repulsion to something, it just feeds the anxiety.

Also there is getting used to a level of anxiety, I feel. You get numb to the fear, them it's as if OCD points to that and says ha, see? You're gay! Creating new fear.

Yeah completely understand what you are saying. I had a bit of a breakdown a couple of weeks ago and went to the doctors and explained certain situations. The one thing that is taking over my life and causing me me the most distress is when I bend over for about 10 minutes and imagine me receiving anal sex. I can do this a number of times a day without reaching any conclusion and also kissing walls and picturing the lips of a man, I can also do this a number of times a day. I have been referred to CBT again as everyday is draining thinking of anal sex, running scenarios through my head of a homosexual nature trying to find that ultimate answer. The problem is because I don’t get the reaction anymore of discomfort or knowing actually I don’t like it it’s hard to define what it true. All i wish is to be happy as I can’t take the constant unhappiness and emotional moments it’s effecting my relationship with my girlfriend and I am beginning to analyse every sexual part of what we do in the bedroom to see if I am enjoying it. Look forward to hearing from you and also thank you for your response. Any others responses would be most helpful if anyone can relate or offer some guidance

Hey Blade,

please check your private messages.

kind regards

OCD can play alot of tricks on our mind. Obviously your obsession is that you might be gay and your compulsions are to get confirmation. The fact you are obsessing so badly over it is a sign that your not gay but I know OCD feels so real. This may sound awful but even if you go with another man I feel it wont change anything, it will only make things worst. It is IMPOSSIBLE to give ocd the answer it wants.

PM if you need help brother.