POCD or denial, i beg for help

Male 23 years old, multiple OCD's in life, especially health OCD.(due to family death from a cancer), but also Harm OCD, antisocial, and extremely strong anxiety. Also agoraphobic, not leaving the home for a 6 years now. Not geating treatment at all, i know its pointless im just too weak to overcome this.

I am afraid i might be a pedophile/ephebophile/hebophile all combined. Even since my teens, i was always attracted to younger girls. At 14, i was mostly attracted to 15-13, at 18, i was mostly attracted to 17-14 etc... I just dont feed good around older person when it comes to a relationship, thats it. I dont think i could even handle a responsible relationship at this point, im very immature. I even was in a relationship with a 15 years old girlfriend while being 18, i remember i liked her look and the skinny, young petite body. Thats the first thing that makes me think i am pedo. I like young looking (not really childish like 10 years old or so) petite, slim, small breasted girls. I like skinny arms, small bodies, i guess you could call it petite. Maybe undeveloped, but i never really thought of it this way. I also like when woman has a cute face, (again, maybe not really childish, or maybe it is childish and i am actually denying it? who knows) but for example... there is a girl that is 21 years old but she looks like 14-16, i like her cute face, and i feel the attraction... If she would be actually 14 i propably would still feel the attraction, but i would just deny it to make me feel better... on some photos she looks older, on some of them younger. I thought i always liked her photos on which she looks "older", but lately she started posting photos on which she looks like 12. I started to asking myself "do you feel attracted", and guess what, i feel the attraction. I was compulsively looking at her face at checking if i am attracted, and guess what i am. I was checking and testing myself for more than 100 times, watching her photo. I dont think its the OCD releated face attraction, i think it suggest i am pedophile....
Once i even masturbated to her childish looking photos, at first i did this to check myself out, but after a while i even manage to came to it and i think it was a real attraction.. in my mind i masturbated mostly to an "older" version of herself, but when i though about her childish looking photo, the arousment was very real and strong, like someone would keep it in a cage and just let it go.... and it was more like a pleasure (combined with guilt ofc), but its another reason i might be hebephile, and i think it kinda confirms im living in denial.

The epebeophilic thing is even more real.... From what im sure, i find the 17-19 girls the most attractive. I dont know how much of what im going to say now is ocd related, because ive been compulsively checking, overthinking, and finding a new ways to feed my ocd mind for a 3 months, but i just like their young bodies, the fact that they've just became an adults, it turns me on. The immaturity is also a big part of my attraction, not a real immaturity, but more like being cute and funny etc... I was reading some posts on this forum, and one of the pedophiles said, he like the way the kids, teenagers behave... And guess what, after doing an ritual in my head, i think it applies to me too. I like the way that typical 17-19 years old girl act (13-16 maybe too, i am afraid of it... idk but i just feel like it), hell, i even like when an older woman acts like a child, when shes cute. At this point, i found more than 50 reasons (ye, i count them all) that prove i am a pedophile/hebo/ephebo. I dont think i want to date 13-17 years old girl (at this moment something in my head tells me that i would but im only denying it to feel better about myslef), but 18-19 yes... I would like to date 20-23 too, but i think it just wouldnt be the same. (again i dont know if its ocd related, because i can find 20-23 years old girls hot, but romantically, i dont think so.... at this moment its just feels that 20+ old girls are like 60+ in my head...) I dont think i could date a 13,14,15 years old girl.... I dont know for sure if i find them attractive, maybe some of them i do, maybe all of them i do and i just deny it, but deeply inside of me, i can feel that 23 years old dating 15 years old is just.... turning off? A child dating adult man? Nah. 17-19 yes, but i would not go lower. Maybe i am a pedophile living in denial that is making excuses and not accepting the real himself. I started checking if i like 12-0 years old kids, i was watching photos and guess what, i feel aroused when i look at their body. I dont even believe that its an ocd related... Deeply inside of me i know (at least i think i do) that i would NEVER want to have a sex with a chilren, childlike face is a turnoff, but when i look at the body i feel aroused... I would never watch (and never did) CP tho, and i was looking at the young kids pictures only to "test myself". But also i know that the attraction feels very normal, not really OCD releated.



The good thing is, im not leaving my home due to agoraphobia, so i wont harm anyone. I always hated the phobia, but now it seems that it can be the best thing that ever happened to me... Even if i could i wouldnt leave it either, it would be a risk that i can see a kid or a teen that i "find attractive"... I know i dont deserve your sympathy, i am a disgusting human being. Feel bad for my mom (she raised me alone) no one wants a son like this.

Since the last 3 months, my ocd is that strong that i think ONLY about it. In a time of 5 minutes, i have hundreds of a pedophilic thoughts it never tops, that confirms i am a pedo. It seems like i feel attraction only to underaged people atm... This sucks, but i always lived in denial that i just liked cute petite girls with a young looking face. But i was wrong, i always were a monster.


TLDR:
-I tried to blame everything on OCD but atm. im afraid thatt i am a pedophile because:
-I prefer 17-19 years old girls that look "petite", slim bodies, skinny, younger cute faces, some of them have "older" cute faces, some of them "younger"... its just something about the adulthood age... (not really like a 10 years old child, but some of them look 13-14 for sure, maybe even 12) I am also attracted to some 14-16 years old. If a girls looks cute like 14-16 but is an adult, i feel the attraction too.
-I like 20-23 old cute looking petite girls too but in my head it just not the same romantically... (maybe its ocd releated but im not really sure)
-I like somehow immature, childish acting women (not a real life immaturity, but just the "cute part of it) and i prefer to have a younger person, (i would date 21, but i dont think i could date 24-25)
-And the worst... i think i like 10-16 and 0-10 years old kids too, but i was always denying it.... after doing a lot of overthinking, compulsions and stuff, i think it might be it.. i was always denying it, but i am a pedophile. After reading a lot of reddit, this forum and overall web, i think it might be it.

I always thought that i just like "petite" girls, but i was denying myself. That sucks. Thank you for reading, my life is a nightmare, and my ocd mind is a fuel to it. I just dont know how many of it is OCD releated, how much of this is a fact. I tried to overthing it a lot, but its only getting worse. It just looks like a suicide is the best option.

And the last....

Shotout to everyone who suffers. I have a horrible life, i need to fight with 10000 of thoughts every day, this sucks. But i believe in justice, and if its somehow a trade, 1 person with a a life like mine for a 10 person with a great, and a happy life, then im ok with it. For everyone who reads this, please be happy. U deserve it.

(Hello and welcome. As a moderator preface, this post is barely about OCD, from a topic standpoint, I'd like to remind everyone, that paraphilias in and of themselves can't be a main topic on Psych Forums. This discussion is close to the dividing line due to the level of detail, but this moderator's call is that it is more about OCD. Just a reminder to everyone that takes part in this conversation, that it will need to remain that way, thanks.)

First off, I think it's pretty normal at your age, to still find teenagers attractive and an option, although legally, jailbait is highly discouraged. We are hard wired to glom onto youth, fertility, and beauty.

Second off...

STOP CHECKING

Seriously, please, stop checking. I am convinced if someone picks any kind of image to sexualise it, and masturbate to it, eventually you'll get to where you prefer it for masturbation. It can be young people, it can be a giraffe, for all I care; it can be adult rated avatars, it can be Sesame Street muppets, it can be anything. If you make yourself get arouse thru masturbation enough times, then you will associate it with good sensations. Ring a bell, the dog salivates, right? It doesn't necessarily mean that in the Real Life you're going to want that. I think checking can create a specific response to that specific situation (sitting in front of a screen). And it will be easy to confuse that for what you really would want out of life.

Don't forget about false attractions. Were we convince ourselves we want something but don't. That's common, here in this kind of thing.

Please think about some therapy or other professional help. It's NOT pointless, and you're too young to think yourself a monster without KNOWING, and to be shut up, you can't live hidden away, for another five decades or so, you need to give yourself a chance and not let these fears rule you.

aaand123 wrote:Shotout to everyone who suffers. I have a horrible life, i need to fight with 10000 of thoughts every day, this sucks. But i believe in justice, and if its somehow a trade, 1 person with a a life like mine for a 10 person with a great, and a happy life, then im ok with it. For everyone who reads this, please be happy. U deserve it.

I feel your pain. I, too, was suffering like this when I was 23 years old. It's not fun to be so young and be a prisoner in your own home ... and worse yet, a prisoner in your own mind.

Remember, that OCD only has power when you give it power. If you stop checking, your OCD loses power over you. Leaving this house will actually help you in the long run ... because the more you imprison yourself, the worse you will get. Life is too good to be trapped!

Agreed. It's really hard to start, but once you can manage it, it gets easier with time and practice. I view intrusive thoughts (especially harm, for me) to be an imp inside my head that eats the fear, the less I give it, the weaker it gets and its ability to create the fear lessens.

Practise disregarding the fears does help. It's not magic, just work. And to paraphrase Yoda: Do, do not 'try'.

You learn by doing.