Not Sure if OCD or What

Hey All,

I do not really like to post here that much because it feeds my compulsions, and I usually try to not come back, but I need some more advice, if you all are kind enough to offer some.

I had HOCD, probably still do, but honestly I am not really worried about being strictly a homosexual anymore. Back in September-October I pretty much had a mental breakdown, after forcing myself to masturbate to gay thoughts and ideas and pornography. I noticed that while I could force or summon an erection, I did not really like masturbating to men, and if that is the case, well then probably masturbating to men is not for me, so I am probably not gay. Maybe I am, but I do not really care if I am gay anymore.

What happened next, however, is a problem. After the gay things passed, I still wondered why I feel off. Then I started wondering if I am trans. When I was 4-6, my aunt made me wear a wig and put lipstick on me like once. I mean I was a kid, its whatever, right? But then I remembered when I was 7-9, I had to wear long johns, but they were the kind that covered the foot also. I remember not enjoying them because they were "girly" and I was not a girl and did not want to wear girl stuff. But I also remember putting them on when I was naked and getting an erection. Indeed, I remember enjoying wearing tight underwear and anything tight around my crotch? Is it because I hate my penis? Was it because as a child anything feels good so we do it without realizing it?

When I was like 13-15, on one, maybe two occasions, after watching a lot of anal porn and at times trans porn, I tried anal masturbation. I put on knee high socks and stuck a sharpie in my butt. It was okay, but I did it like once or twice. I tried anal masturbation like 3-4 more times in the following few years, but it was never my thing, and I have to urge to do it. It does not increase pleasure. Yeah it gives me an erection, but I do not get any additional pleasure from anal masturbation. But I am worried that these episodes were manifestations of autogynephilia.

When I was 18, I met a girl who I thought was a genetic girl, we were both drunk at a party. Mostly talked. Next day I added her on instagram. Thought she was a girl, wanted to have sex. Then she told me she was trans, and something in my brain clicked. I had an instant erection, and wanted to fool around. Was it because I am a gynoandromorphophile (trans chaser)? Was it because it is a taboo and therefore kinky? Am I only and solely attracted to trans women? Was I attracted because I myself am an autogynophiliac? I do not know. I saw a therapist less than a year ago, she said I am not trans and I am not gay, and have OCD. I probably do have OCD, but am I also trans?

It seems my attraction to women has gone. I can have sex with women just fine. In fact, it has become a compulsion of sorts. I paid $15 to get a premium tinder to get as much sex as possible. In the last month, I have had sex with three girls. I was able to get hard just fine, and was able to ejaculate. But every time I finish, I feel as if I am just lying to myself and really just want a penis in my butt, as a woman. Indeed, when I get an erection now and feel horny, I start having anal sensations. Like I want to be penetrated. I do not want to be, and I do not wish for it. But I feel these sensations. Is this just an outgrowth of the groinals? When I masturbate now, I get images to trans girls in my head. The most uncomfortable part is that I can get an actual erection to trans women just as I can to girls, so now I worry that I am only attracted or primarily attracted to trans girls. I am not even attracted to trans women, I mean yeah I can get an erection and I fooled around with one, but conceptually I find a problem with the presence of a penis. It conflicts with my self identity. But is my self identity wrong? Maybe I am wrong about who I am?

I do not want to get out of bed in the morning anymore. I feel my depression returning. Sometimes when I sit down, I just want to break down and cry. Am I depressed because I have a lack of serotonin and a lot of stress in my life (grad school) or am I depressed because I am trans or gay or whatever else, just in general not straight and cis?

Please anyone, any advice helps.

I wouldn't think wanting anal stimulation would be autogyne. I'm autogynephiliac and for me that's distinct from my bisexuality.

Really I just wanted to comment on the PJs, I don't know why you thought they were 'girly', they were quite common when I was a child and weren't considered anything in particular except maybe childish.