HOCD is driving me crazy, please help

I had HOCD about three years ago. I went to therapy and all my HOCD went away, and I was okay, for about 2 years, but now after I experienced a lot of changes my HOCD came back and its driving me crazy, and I know its my mind playing tricks on me, but the anxiety is killing me, I keep thinking maybe this time its real, and I don't have HOCD, I'm only in denial, I even talked to my parents after I read something about confronting your fears, I asked them if it would be okay if I was actually a lesbian, and they said they didn't care (they know about my HOCD) and after that I was okay again, and I knew I wasn't a lesbian for about three weeks and I was anxiety free.
But about a week ago, something else happened and my HOCD came back, and I tried to control it, but its been driving me absolutely crazy, I feel like I want to throw up all the time, my heart is racing 24/7, I can't watch TV because I'm afraid of my reactions, and then when I see a guy I find attractive my mind just goes to say I am making me like him because I don't want to be a lesbian.
And I spent the weekend with my three best friends, and they started joking that maybe I didn't have a boyfriend because I was actually a lesbian (they don't know about the HOCD), and then they said something like "...just don't fall in love with me" and that completely freaked me out, and now I'm thinking I may be in love with one of them (who is my best friend) and after that she hugged me and I had a groinal response (when I am anxious/scared I always feel something in my groin) and I don't want to ruin my friendship with her because of this, because now I just feel uncomfortable around her, and I keep thinking maybe I am jealous of her boyfriend. I NEVER felt that way about her before, only now that my HOCD started acting up again, I keep thinking back trying to find if I liked her before (which I'm almost positive I didn't). I am so scared and I can't stand this anxiety for one more day, and I absolutely hate that it is happening with my best friend because we always joke around and we are super close, but now I'm afraid this will ruin everything. I've always known I wasn't a lesbian but now I am so scared I am, I really really don't want to be, I'm going crazy. Please somebody help, or tell me if you relate.

The changes in your life probably brought about the new wave of anxiety. You are probably borderline line anxious during normal times and then when stress occurs it pushes you over the edge.

Denial as something someone wants to avoid. Even though you are in an irrational state of mind you are confronting the issue. If you were in true denial you wouldn't come here to confront the issue, you wouldn't think about it at all.

The upside of your post is, you seem to be receptive to rational arguments. Many people who suffer anxiety disorders (OCD) have a hard time letting go of negative thoughts, even though they know they are irrational.

Have you thought about going back to a therapist? When one is predisposed to anxiety disorders it's good to look at it as something which may manifest itself from time to time. So it's good to have a plan ready (like seeing a therapist) when things flare up.

Good luck,

Otter

What Otter said about denial is spot on. I'm bisexual, and when I was in self-denial, I'd push it out of my mind. Or make up excuses. Ignore the elephant in the mental room. The very word, 'denial', I only use in hindsight.... at the time, I didn't see it as such. Because I was.... in denial.....

That comment on denial helped me a bit. I've been paranoid now for a while that I am in denial as well, but this isn't something I have been trying to push out of my mind. This is actually just something I've been desperate to figure out, here on this forum, to my therapist, and to my mom. I'm not denying the possibility of it being real, it's just that I do not *know* with 100% certainty that it is. And thats what I have been thinking of as "denial".