I think this is HOCD I’m so scared please help

So it started about 8-9 months ago when I was in the shower and I wondered if it was possible to put my own dick up my ass. I tried and of course it didn’t work. But later I looked it up and I saw a comment on a forum about it that said “ I couldn’t believe I didn’t realize my sexuality when I saw this.” The comment freaked me out so much because I had always been straight and never been concerned about my sexuality. I had always been confident I was straight and had never had any desire whatsoever for guys. But after that I started getting thoughts about teachers, classmates, everyone. I hated them and they made it harder to concentrate in school. Anyway, at this point it was still fine, I didn’t get too upset and could ignore them sometimes. But now they’ve just gotten so real. I get these horrible false attractions that focus on guys’ jawbones and chests. I compulsively masturbate to prove I’m straight. I’ve never watched gay porn because I’m afraid that I’ll actually end up being attracted to it. I get images about oral sex on guys and my mind keeps telling me that I want it but I don’t. I’m just so confused. I don’t want to be gay but I feel like I’m changing or I am. Now compulsively masturbating doesn’t work well because I think if I masturbate after having gay thoughts that they’re the reason I want to. Lately I feel like I’m actually turned on by the idea of guys 69ing. I hate it because it feels so real. Not only that, but I realized that I get sort of turned on by the thought of what a girl feels like during sex. Like imagining how a girl feels when I have my dick in her throat. I’m not sure what that means because I don’t want to suck that but my mind keeps telling me I do. I’ve had sexual experiences with girls and I’ve enjoyed them all thoroughly. I’m just scared that I might actually be gay or bi. It just feels like I want it sometimes even though I don’t. I hate that feeling. I know this might seem like a random chain of stuff I’m talking so I apologize for that. I always avoid looking at guys in public and I whenever I swallow I try to make sure I’m only looking or thinking about a girl. I shake my head and grimace to try to show my disgust because I can’t feel my disgust sometimes. Sometimes when I’m not focused much I realize that I swallow while looking at a dude and I get freaked out. Part of me knows that what I swallow while looking at has nothing to do with my sexuality but a little voice in my mind says it does. I brush myself off if I walk past guys, if I can I spit after getting intrusive thoughts and I’m sure there’s more that I can’t think of right now. I’m just so scared because they feel so real and whatever this is plays with how I feel and think. I’m not gay but it just feels like I am sometimes. The problem is that I’ve read about things about the differences between HOCD people and gay people, so now I get this voice that tells me I’m actually scared about things that gay people are scared about even though I’m not. I’m just so scared because I don’t want to be gay. Is this HOCD? Please help.

Please anyone help. I think I got an erection to the idea of sucking my own dick and I’m so scared because I don’t want to suck a dude off but my thoughts are just filled with that now please help I don’t want to be gay. I don’t want that anywhere near my mouth but my mind is telling me I just need to accept that I do. please anyone.

Yeah but it's yours, your own doesn't count. I'd like to know of a kid that hadn't thought and/or tried to do that, at one time or another. I mean, that would just be fancy masturbation.

You don't sound gay to me (and I'm bi), but I'm not going to be able to convince you, you're going to have to convince yourself that you're not gay. No post-adolescent history of same-sex attractions (and you'd know if you had them), then you're not gay. But the more you over think it, the more you'll feed the doubt monster....

hey dude, i understand your pain, as i've been there and still am at times...

Don't worry about your thoughts that doesn't mean anything... also, and this one major advice, but do not watch gay porn to see if you're aroused...

I did that, and still continue to do it for reassurance... you know how many times it turned me on over the past three years ?? NONE.... though i still watch it just to make sure that it hasn't changed....

You'll be find man,

Best

K