HOCD or lesbian with OCD?!?!?

Hi all... I want to share my story.

Background: I am a 30 y/o female who has been attracted to men her whole life. As a girl I crushed on boys, I lusted over male teachers, as a teen and young woman I always had boyfriends. None of these were "forced" - I truly just did whatever felt good and right. All of my emotional and romantic feelings were toward males, and with age also came the desire to be sexual with these men. I currently am married to a man for the past 4 years.

On another note, I was diagnosed as having OCD starting at 8 years old. My first obsession revolved around being terrified to vomit, and it lasted years. I would even engage in prayer rituals to "stop" me from becoming ill. This obsession faded over time, once I finally accepted that people barf sometimes. Go figure. Fast forward to my teen years, and I battled with extreme Harm OCD for a number of months. All I did was fantasize about my own suicide, and it scared me to death. I didn't even want to die. In time, this obsession also faded. Now, this past year (at 30) I have dealt with 4 different obsessions. 4! In the past 6 months. I have had a very rough year in terms of my health (I was diagnosed with 2 autoimmune disorders), was having a rough time at work, and have been having intimacy problems / talks of possible seperation with my husband. All of this has brought my anxiety and depression to an all time high and ill admit I feel incredibly vulnerable. This year alone I dealt with the following obsessions: "Everyone thinks I am a bigot and they hate me", "The government is spying on me through google", "I am being haunted by a demon", "I might be a lesbian". The first three obsessions each had a trigger that started them, and they spiraled out of control. I KNOW that those obsessions are irrational, but they were very real at the time. I spent HOURS a day worrying, mentally checking, replaying situations in my head, deleting my search history, googling demonic possessions, engaging in prayer rituals, asking for reassurance, etc.

Rewind to around 2 months ago. I was ruminating about issues with my husband, and am very broken hearted that he expressed the desire to seperate. It was eating me alive. I kept going back in our relationship to see where I went wrong and effed up. Intimacy was a big problem for us for a while. For years, I had almost no sexual desire for him. I loved him dearly, but wasn't craving sex. I still tried to give in at times, but it was so hard to be aroused. My libido was so low. This could be for a variety of reasons - I have a hormonal disease (this was undiagnosed at the time but it is confirmed now), I suffer from depression and anxiety, and we fought A LOT. I definitely resented him for things. I would still give him oral sex, though It was a chore for me. I am not repulsed by it in any way, sometimes I enjoy it, but ouch, my jaw. Lol. Sorry. This was really upsetting becuse I remember a time where I was so excited to have sex with him and would initiate it myself. I kept thinking "what happened to me?!" And was so upset. Then I had the thought in my head... "maybe you dont want to have sex with him bc you would rather have a woman?" This startled me at first, but then I thought "I never wanted to do that" and was able to brush it off.

Some time passes and I'm still upset about my husband and I. We still live together but life has become very cold and lonely. Around 3 weeks ago I was watching Oprah and there was a woman on the show who said she only figured out she was a lesbian at 35y/o, after she was married to a man for 7 years and the relationship didn't "seem right." All of a sudden I felt my chest tighten, my heart sink, and my heartbeat fasten. I was going to throw up. Alarm bells started going off. I was convinced that this was happening to me. This was my trigger, and ever since viewing this video, I have had the thought in my mind "I'm a lesbian and I had no clue, and now my relationship with my husband has to end."

Now, with Pure O, I went down the rabbit hole. I read almost every story online about how one comes out or knows they are gay for sure. I read every forum about being in denial. I have been constantly checking out other women to see if I am attracted and I have even had groinal responses. I also check out men to see if I am "still" attracted. Sometimes I am and sometimes I feel nothing. I have been imagining scenarios in my head to see if I would enjoy being with a woman. I can't even tell anymore, and I honestly don't want to find out. Sometimes the idea makes me anxious and a little nauseus and other times my mind tells me thats what I'm supposed to be doing. However, The thought of being a lesbian terrifies me, I know I sound homophobic, but I really dont want that life. I have nothing against LGBTQ people - I respect them and want them to live their best life. I just dont personally want that life. I always wanted to be happily married to a man, and always pictured my life that way. When I imagine myself with a wife instead, something seems off.

One thing I have been doing a lot is questioning whether or not I am/was attracted to my female friends without knowing it. Wouldnt I have felt the same way about them that I did about males? Was I just repressing my attractions? Now, almost every woman I see makes me anxious, especially if she is attractive or if she seems like shes a lesbian. Almost every woman I see I now feel attracted to, even though this has never happened to me in the past. I never even used to feel the compulsion to check out another female, only males. I have been avoiding being around women and lesbians due to fear of being attracted. This sounds bizarre and I have never done this in my entire life. I am even being hypersensitive to how I act in order to not come across as a lesbian, being super careful with my mannerisms and how I dress. I find myself noticing other women and thinking "omg is she a lesbian?!" I feel like I am going crazy.

I have also been analyzing my past. When I was around 5 or 6, I remember seeing a photo of a woman in a bra and being excited about it. I have been using that as "evidence" for the "must be a lesbian" argument. In addition to that, I HAVE seen / been aroused by / masturbated to lesbian porn/images of naked women in the past. I have also done this to heterosexual porn. I also use this as "evidence" that i must be a lesbian. I do find a naked woman appealing/arousing, but I never once fantasized about BEING with one sexually. That was never a desire of mine (that I knew of?!). Thats when my mind brings me back to "no, not a lesbian". Looking at a naked man is mildly arousing for me, but not as much as a woman... I'll admit that. but I have actually had the DESIRE/URGE to have sex with men multiple times in my life. Every time I have been interested in a guy I have thought about/wanted to be sexual with him, and I often initiated it myself. I never felt that towards another woman. If I always crushed on/desired girls and knew I was a lesbian, I would have just come out years ago. I wasnt brought up religiously, and my parents are accepting of these matters. I wouldnt have been able to hold in that truth, I'm a very honest person. This cycle of uncertainty is driving me insane.

Am I a lesbian so deep in the closet that I can't even decide if its real? Am I in such severe denial that I don't want to "admit" to myself that I am gay? Is this just a severe case of HOCD? Am I a lesbian who is suffering from OCD due to a lesbian realization?!?! The questions are killing me and I don't know who I am anymore. Why am I only having this thought now at 30 ? If I were a lesbian, shouldn't I have had feelings and desires toward women by now? Or is my OCD mind ****ing me and playing tricks?! I really do love my husband and dont want to seperate. And my biggest fear is losing him. And I don't want to lose him for good because I'm a lesbian. I have even toyed with the idea of telling him that I am, but I keep going back and forth because I don't know the answer. The guilt and shame i feel is overwhelming. I just know that the idea of seperating crushes my heart, and if we did break up I might try to see what it would be like to have a gf just to check it out for reassurance, but to be honest the idea doesn't seem appealing and I am very apprehensive toward it. Something about it just doesnt sit right with me for some reason and fills me with fear and anxiety. Maybe that reason is because I'm not a lesbian? Or its the denial? I don't even know who I am, and this has only been going on for a few weeks. I feel so bad for the people who deal with this for years.

Please. If anyone has any insight or thoughts... please help. I am desperate.

You are a straight woman. I can tell. The first step is taking comfort in the fact that you would never want to have sex with another woman in real life. Take comfort in the fact that your body disliked the thought of being attracted to women so much, that it shut down sexual functions in response. Take comfort in the fact that you are disturbed by the intrusive thoughts. That helped me a bit, but I have only completed the first step.

I hope this helps. I really do. I feel your pain.

I think checking kinda snowballs into a confusion with actual desire. For me, when I first had a deliberately, self-aware bisexual thought (I'm bi), sure there was fear. And a lot of excitement, too. I was drawn to it.

It's so hard to put into words, the distinctions between that, and OCD, because OCD is so very, very good at coming up with reasons, excuses, etc. But I feel fairly secure in saying, if a person is LGBT, no matter how much you want to, try to, stay away from it, well, you won't, can't. You might have doubts about what you are- especially if you're really Bi- my OCD loves playing me from both ends- but I never doubted what I wanted, what turns me on. I never had to 'check'. First time I looked at gay porn, it wasn't to check- I looked at it, because I wanted to. This is before the internet, where you can casually come across anything- this is getting up the nerve to go to a newsstand or an adult store, and picking up the gay magazine, and having to look the cashier in the eye. Or.. okay maybe I averted my gaze, a lot. But you get the idea. If you're really something, deep down, you know you want it. If it ain't deep down, if you hate it BUT at the same time you're like panicked at the idea of never getting to be/do that very same thing you don't want to be...

but OCD seems to mimic all that. I always try to tell people to go back to before you had a panic moment, before you thought 'what if', or whatever the initial thought was, that sent you into an HOCD tailspin. I've always, in hindsight- put out clues. I never had a panic moment- I mean, I was scared, but excited- the excited, and the desire, was there first. The panic was just the realisation, that's all. It wasn't a doubting panic. It was a omg what am I thinking of doing? panic- because I was raised that it was wrong, and I was young, and it was my abuser I was thinking of. It was never an existential unreasonable fear.

I'm a 31 year old male that's suffered form HOCD since May 2006. I'm single never had a girlfriend and this lack of intimacy is what I believe fueled the obsession that I'm gay. Heck, I was in Wal-Mart 15 minutes ago and spiked when I saw two guys walked past me.

I recommend seeing a mental health therapist is you can. This site should serve as a place of encouragement and camaraderie and not a place for expert advice. A psychologist or psychiatrist that specialized in treating obsessive-compulsive disorder is the best choice, especially if they have experience treating HOCD.

I think HOCD is so hard to beat because you can't quantify or gauge sexual orientation. We can obsess over health problems or unlocked doors, but we satisfy those compulsions by seeing a doctor or checking the door. You can't really check your sexual orientation as it is innate. I am sorry if that causes you to spike but that's what makes this particular obsession so uncomfortable.

Agree all round with that- being a peer support site, we can offer our thoughts and guesses, but that's all, professionals aren't allowed to post here as such, only as fellow sufferers... and more than one armchair/amateur/student driver psych who decided therapy was their 'hobby', or future profession, or captive audience for their website, and we were their practice guinea pigs, has fallen to the banhammer.

I've said as much about sexual in other posts- just not so efficiently- I also think sexual OCD has got to be one of the most pernicious, damaging kinds there is. Because OCD is so hungry for a simple, black/white answer of reassurance, and human sexuality is so not. Maybe I just see it more than most, on account of being very, very bisexual, and a bit fetishistic, myself. I am SO all over the place, sexually, that to me it's just the most natural thing in the world, to think of sexuality as a great, fuzzy mess. And that's torture when your OCD turns to your sexuality.

LOL at armchair experts that do this as a hobby. This is true.

I have always thought myself straight, but my lack of success with women fueled my HOCD. Heck, I think if I was married with 10 years with a kid my OCD would have me believe it's a cover-up and not my "true self." This is why it's the "doubting disease." I spiked tonight when I went out with my family and our server was a male. I avoided eye contact in fear that I would appear "gay" if I looked at him. He was also nice looking (spiked when I typed this) so that added more anxiety.

It doesn't help that y'all are more sexualised at an earlier age. The easy underage access to internet porn. The lowering standards of television. Everything. I think sets up this idea that if you've not done it by the time you're what, 15? Earlier? There's something wrong with you. I think modern Western society is just great big set up for HOCD.

Are you from the UK Snaga?

Does watching British TV on PBS, back in the day, count? No, I'm not....

Okay, the way you spell words (ise and not ize) made me wonder.