Approach anxiety

This is hocd related which is why it's not in another thread.

I have been shy towards talking to girls in the past but now it's like I'm allergic like a barrier or reluctance to try, and I don't know if it's the fear of rejection anymore. There is now a general reluctance. Porn is fine even though I know checking isn't good. I feel like them closets guy who never liked girls and looking for a "beard".

My obvious fear is that I'm going off women and turning gay. I've been checking to see if I naturally notice guys now and it's all just a blur.

I feel like I'm fighting a losing battle and just want to give up. On holiday I was on a come down (narcotics) and had been throwing up and was down. The thought of oral sex with a dude came into my mind and my initial thought was "would that be so bad?" then I was like wait I don't want that. It spiked me and lead to more checking the next few days.

Sorry this has turned into a rant. My question is could this approach anxiety be an indicator that I am turning gay/bi or always have been?

I firmly believe you can't just turn gay or bi. Also that you'd be able to honestly look back and see a point where you realised you would be okay doing stuff with the same sex.

But when you get so turned around by all this thinking about it, then it just all turns to mush. The only thing I can think of is to decide what you are, and stick with it. If it's not the truth, well then your desires will come out soon enough.

Snaga wrote:I firmly believe you can't just turn gay or bi. Also that you'd be able to honestly look back and see a point where you realised you would be okay doing stuff with the same sex.

But when you get so turned around by all this thinking about it, then it just all turns to mush. The only thing I can think of is to decide what you are, and stick with it. If it's not the truth, well then your desires will come out soon enough.

Very much appreciate you replying. You make a good point about looking back, it's funny how ocd can manifest itself. I look back and had thoughts before but it never felt like a desire much more intrusive. It must be true that if any bi tendencies emerged in my teens it would have come way before now.

Just saying that I don't want to do these things feels like a lie even though it's not. Probably because of the anxiety (like with a lie) that follows.

You know the weirdest thing, I recall at the very least a bi-curious experience around 11 ( nothing graphic from what I remember) but never thought anything of it after just saw it as that. Yet now, any plang or thought I'm attributing to turning gay or bi.

I'm in my very late 20s, if by now I haven't wanted to or done anything I can safely say I'm straight. I know this will not last long and I will go back to being anxiety but go figure