False vs real attraction??

I'm a 17 year old girl and disgusting POCD intrusive thoughts have been hitting me since February this year. I'm seeking help but I still have a while until I can see a real psychiatrist - the wait list is long.

What I hate most about it is the false attraction?? I can't even look at people in the face anymore because I feel if I'm "attracted" to anyone, even people my own age, it means that I'm a gross predator. Two ninth graders sit next to me in band and I'm on the verge of a breakdown every time I go to rehearsal because of it. It's worse because I'm queer (not HOCD, actually queer), because everything in my brain is telling me that I'm disgusting and predatory for liking women and basically thinks disgusting and creepy thoughts whenever I even look at someone who's female. (Not trying to call queerness in general creepy because it isn't, but my brain will just think gross, misogynistic male gaze-y things like, "what if you looked up her skirt?" and I'd just be like "wtfffff I don't want to do that that's so fcking gross!!!!!!")

The thoughts have been lessened recently and I'm alternately grateful for it and also incredibly disturbed when I lack that usual immediate anxiety and self-hatred response when I get an intrusive thought??? Then I freak out over that lack of anxiety, if that makes sense.

Just today I was reminded of the character Nancy from Stranger Things and immediately got disturbed because I think she's pretty?? And it feels different from false attraction so now I'm freaking out again even though she's my own age (17) in season 2 of the show. It creeps me out!!! I feel so dirty whenever I feel attraction to any person my own age and I can never tell if it's real or okay or not!!

Not to reassure you.. But Attraction is something that is breaking our own OCD head up...

I think for you, and everyone around here, before this happened, Attraction was smiling, not shaming from it, wanted to know everything about it, talking with friends about it... Loving it, Dreaming of it, waking up and hoping to dream the next night about it, and the next night, and on.. and on ... not able to eat because you felt so good of the attraction...

The attraction we see now is:

POCD (I see a little kid, and she is doing something what my mind says turns me on.. Panic attack, why am I feeling this, did i feel this, what if I will do this.. depressed, can't eat... the whole world ends...)

HOCD (I see a Guy, and he is doing something what my mind says turns me on.. He got beautifull Eyes, Why am i thinking this.. He gives me a compliment, Am i attracted, I can laugh with him, does this mean I love him)...

OCD people don't know what attraction is anymore because of the mental thought train that is going 300 miles a hour in our head.

I had this also with cannibalism... I was affraid of turning a cannibal 13-14 years ago or so.. When eating I was thinking that I would eat my father on a sandwich.. Everything looked tastefull??? In my mind... Did I ever gave a bite? No...

After I was affraid of dying by fate... That it was fate that my rooftop will fall in and I will get crushed and die... Or the dude that was walking behind me, would kill me, because it is fate.. Everything felt so real, the roof is crashing down, or I will end in a Carcrash.. This are normal things to think about because they can happen. But obsessing about it is not worthful.

I one time had such a high OCD fear-status that when a friend of mine (I allready knew for 10 years) came over and I suddenly had butterflies in my stomach... So this must mean I would be gay right??? ... Know that fear .. stress ... anxiety.. can let you feel everything..

I had pedo fears when my little sister was about 4 to 5 years old. Fear that I would be aroused when she was naked.. So I just avoided everything.. What even made the fear bigger and bigger...

To shorten things up, Keep attraction as the way it is suposed to be in physics.. When I got two magnets, and i hold them from eachother.. They must collide with eachother.. No matter how hard I would resist, they will find their way..

Thinking about having a attraction without magnets is not possible.. And will indeed only make you fear and doubt more...

Attraction is something that happens... And when it happens you would love it.. and not post about it on forums to ask if it is attraction .. (even his is hard for me to believe, because In my head I am attracted to every dude since I started obsessing about it) ..

I don't know if it will be helpfull for you.. But what if you have psychic therapy, and ask if you could write your full story down that you fear.... So .. Make your story the outcome of your fears.. It is a ERP technique... I got therapy in 3 hours.. I ask mine shrink if I could do the same with help..

Just try to relax (what we all must do in a certain way).. And take care!!!