Ashamed of not being ashamed?

I have horrible intrusive thoughts and generally loathe myself and feel a lot of shame as soon as one of those thoughts pop into my head. However, I have been doing more research and the last couple of days when I have one of those thoughts I let it go easier, remembering what I've read about how people with OCD are extremely unlikely to commit heinous acts, etc. But then I'm like... what's wrong with me for letting myself off the hook? Don't I deserve to be punished for having these thoughts, and if not by myself, then by whom? Shouldn't I be ashamed? Now I'm psyching myself back into self-hatred. Being okay with my intrusive thoughts just doesn't seem okay. What do you think?

My thoughts are.... that you're being too hard on yourself.

I've had intrusive harm thoughts for over forty years. That I will kill pets, loved ones.

If you've been reading, you know that they say everyone has intrusive harm thoughts- since you use the words 'heinous acts' I'm pretty sure we're on the same page when I say harm thoughts.

I know, it's really hard for me to wrap my head around the idea that everyone gets these kinds of thoughts. Us with OCD place so much importance on them- if we think it then we must want to do it or we must be it, and how can we be okay with that? All I can say is I think we confuse having the thoughts, having the physical ability to do something terrible, with the actual desire to do it, which we don't.

In all the decades that this has come and gone for me, I've never once done any of those horrible things that come into my head.

For me, I have to make myself okay with those thoughts coming in; I have to not care about having them; further, I can't care about if I actually did them. I'll worry about it, when I've done it. That's gone a long way in making them less disturbing, less frequent, and more easily dismissable.

Thoughts are just thoughts. Thoughts that aren't put into deed, are thoughts that die unborn. There's nothing to punish you for- especially when Normals supposedly think them, too. They just don't get upset the way we do, which I personally think is crazy. But that's what they say.