HOCD - very confused about sexuality

Hi folks,

I’m new to this forum and hoping you might be able to shed some light on the issues that I’m experiencing. I know this is quite a long post, but I would greatly appreciate it if you read it all very carefully.

I’m a 27 year old male. I’m pretty sure I’m suffering from HOCD and intrusive thoughts about being gay, even though I’m sure I’m straight. At several points in my life, I have openly and confidently denied being gay or bi, without any doubt in my mind.

I’ve been suffering from this since November 2017, and it has gradually worsened. The intrusive thoughts are causing me to constantly ask myself questions such as, “Am I gay? Am I bi? Am I in denial?” I’ve also found myself looking at males to try and “test” my sexuality, which is another classic HOCD behaviour from what I’ve read on several sites and forums. Someone also mentioned losing attraction to females, which I think I am also experiencing. Another result of HOCD.

Fortunately, I have SO many pieces of evidence that I’m straight, starting with the biggest piece of evidence.

Before I turned 15, I kept saying I would never have a girlfriend, get married, etc, because I wasn’t interested in relationships at the time. However, after I turned 15, my hormones started kicking in and I became more and more attracted to females (but not males, thankfully!) and started considering having a girlfriend.

Not long after I turned 15, something traumatising happened. One day, I had a male “friend” at my house, and he took advantage of me and forced me to perform a sexual act on him, then he did the same to me, albeit very briefly. Fortunately, I didn’t like it and I did NOT feel aroused AT ALL. My friend obviously realised it was wrong and he said, “We’re not doing that again.” These days, whenever I think about that incident, I cringe.

Very luckily, a few weeks later, I had my first kiss… and it was from a female… and I absolutely loved it. I felt extremely aroused, and she actually let me cuddle her and touch her all over. I even asked her if she wanted to pleasure me, but she politely said no.

A few more pieces of evidence that I’m straight:

I used to be shocked upon learning that certain celebrities are gay. When I once found out that one of my favourite YouTubers is gay, I was actually taken aback a bit.

I did once try online dating sites, and I ALWAYS searched for females. I NEVER searched for males. NOT ONCE.

I’ve taken a few online sexuality tests, and the results always say I’m straight. I always answer the questions honestly.

I actually used to feel very jealous when any of my female friends on Facebook entered a relationship, including one girl who I had feelings for. I’ve never had feelings for a male.

When I’m in public, I always check out females, and not males. I’m actually quite attracted to female butts, and my eyes are naturally (or automatically) drawn to them when I see them, especially when the girl is bending or squatting. I wouldn’t react in the same way to a male butt!

I’ve never had a desire to have a relationship with a male or sleep with a male, etc. Only with females.

I don’t watch full-blown porn, but I do actually like seeing lesbians kissing. That ALWAYS makes me hard. I once saw two guys kissing on TV, and I nearly vomited and had to look away.


At the moment, I’m currently in a long-distance relationship with a girl (please, PLEASE do not judge). She is a lovely girl, I met her online in January 2017, and we do plan to meet up sometime soon and hopefully move in together at some point. When we Skype-called for the first time, I was very excited and happy, and we actually had phone sex together, which is something I’d never done before. It was amazing. I wouldn’t be able to do that with a male!

Furthermore, during calls, me and my long-distance gf very frequently say erotic, naughty things. She once said something very erotic that she’d never said before and made me feel extremely aroused!

Lately, the intrusive thoughts sometimes cause dissatisfaction when I’m talking to my long-distance gf (either when texting or video calling). The thoughts also frequently cause me to think I don’t love her, when I really do. I know I do.

To make matters worse, the thoughts sometimes play a horrible trick on my mind by causing me to think my long-distance gf is actually a man, which is very unfair and untrue. Quite often, when masturbating, the thoughts cause images of males to pop into my head, which ruins the moment.


You may be wondering if there are any triggers that could have caused this to happen. The answer is yes. I apologise if this is too much information, but I think it’s important to share this. Basically, I have a wedgie fetish. I have very, very frequently seen videos and images of females receiving wedgies. However, I will admit I have also seen a small number of wedgie videos involving males, but mostly those videos are males receiving from females.

Seeing videos/images of males receiving wedgies from females arouses me, but I think that’s simply because I would absolutely love to receive one from a female (not a male) and would love to be in that male’s shoes – in other words, I wish it was me getting that wedgie from that hot girl!

However, there have been a few times where I’ve seen male CARTOON characters receiving wedgies (from ANY characters), and I felt aroused and actually masturbated. Not sure why that is, though. Again, maybe I wish it was me? But these days, I ask myself, “Why did I do that?!”

Luckily, I DEFINITELY wouldn’t want to have sex with those males. I’m only interested in having sex with females.


Deep down inside, I really do love my long-distance gf, and she loves me back. I’m 100% sure that I’d be absolutely heartbroken if the relationship ended. During the lead up to Christmas last year, I was actually quite unwell with chronic sinus headaches, and I broke down crying countless times because I honestly thought I was dying because the pain was so bad and I kept thinking I’d never get to see my gf.

Also, sometimes I’m not sure if some of these feelings are normal, and that’s because I’ve never actually been in a physical or sexual relationship before. Sometimes I wonder if the thoughts are being caused by the fact that the relationship I’m in is a long-distance relationship, and perhaps what I’m experiencing is a result of frustration or maybe even lovesickness.

I REALLY hope that once me and my long-distance gf are finally together in person, the thoughts will go away and I won’t question my sexuality ever again.

What do you folks think? I KNOW I’m straight, but because of these intrusive thoughts and the fetish, there’s always a bit of uncertainty lurking around, like a weight on my shoulders or a dark cloud above my head.

I have nothing against homosexuality or bisexuality, but I just want to do what feels best for me, and that is… be attracted to females and love my gf. I know I identify as straight.

What really defines sexuality? Are there any distraction techniques I can use?

I'm a 31 year old male that's suffered HOCD for 12 years. It's a constant struggle with these thoughts. Like you, I've always been attracted to women, but with my HOCD it causes me to doubt that. I spike when I see guys and I do get a wave of anxiety when I go to the gym.

My advice is to see a therapist if you can. This board is to offer communal support, but we aren't medical professionals. I also encourage buying and reading self help books about HOCD. You have to constantly practice the mental exercises. This thing is a monster, but it can be tamed.

Idk you sound pretty straight to me

see a therapist if you can , that could be helpful

mc1 wrote:I'm a 31 year old male that's suffered HOCD for 12 years. It's a constant struggle with these thoughts. Like you, I've always been attracted to women, but with my HOCD it causes me to doubt that. I spike when I see guys and I do get a wave of anxiety when I go to the gym.

My advice is to see a therapist if you can. This board is to offer communal support, but we aren't medical professionals. I also encourage buying and reading self help books about HOCD. You have to constantly practice the mental exercises. This thing is a monster, but it can be tamed.

12 years? That's awful. I really hope that doesn't happen to me. I just want to go back to how I was before these thoughts were triggered last year. As stated above, I'd be totally devastated if my relationship with my long-distance gf ended. I'm 100% sure of it. I don't want these thoughts to cause that.

when you said you dont check out males and your eyes are automatically adjusted to female butts I spiked hard as I remember this time when it hit me , I started to look at male butts , biceps and chests despite never having done so previously

Biggest question for me is that i can't get aroused by man stuff , Like when it comes to women , I remember getting aroused to one on physical contact to whom i was attracted to previously while whenever male physical contact happens, its rather anxiety and fear along with these "urges" of mine wanting to do stuff to them