Scared that I’m transgender

Hi all. I know you likely hate getting posts like this here, but I have something I was wondering you could answer. I’m a teenage male and I need help deciphering this.

A few months ago, I began projecting myself onto women in porn I watch. I thought (and still do believe) this was just a kink that I have because I only get off to it about 20 or 30% of the time I spend masturbating. I thought this was a normal exploratory sexual thing that boys my age do, as I always have felt comfortable and happy as a male. I’ve always been proud of my body hair and my broad stature, and I’ve always been attracted to girls and wanted female partners. I like male attire and I’ve always wanted a beard. I am, all things considered, a normal guy, and always have been. I’ve always foreseen myself as a father and husband, and want children. All things considered, I have OCD that mainly revolves around obsessions and internalized mental compulsions. They’ve been full blown since I was about 8 or 9 years old, but the behavior rooted itself when I was a rather sickly little boy, and relied on compulsive hand washing and use of hand sanitizer to (unsuccessfully) prevent myself from being sick all the time. My obsessions have usually been about superstitions, events, illness (the largest culprit) and now, identity. This one is particularly scary because I know that no matter how much I ruminate and worry and stop functioning like a normal human, there is no diagnostic test to prove whether I am paranoid or correct. I am afraid I am in denial about being transgender. I incessantly go back and forth within the confines of my mind, comparing the offense I take to being called girly and the insecurity I have with my pubescent half-way-there voice and my shortness with my failure to explain my sexual feelings. I do not desire to be a woman outside of my fantasies, but in the back of my head I keep trying to imagine myself as every woman I see to figure out if I’d like it or not. I’ve never questioned my identity before so I have no metric for it. Women who share physical traits with me (hair color, eye color/shape, etc.) tend to set off my anxiety more because I find it easier to project myself into people who look similar to me; this is the case with my kink, and in all aspects of my life, female or otherwise.

I know this screams OCD, but what about my kink? I feel as if my identity is being torn away from me and I don’t even remember who I was before I started worrying. I’m even afraid to practice acceptance or talk about this because I’m afraid it will be accepting that I’m transgender, which is not something that I previously believed myself to be. Any help would be appreciated.

Can someone please help?

Sometimes, fantasy, is just fantasy. I fantasize many things i would not wish to experience...

Snaga wrote:Sometimes, fantasy, is just fantasy. I fantasize many things i would not wish to experience...

I’d really like to leave it at that but now it’s just creeping into every waking moment of my life. I feel indifferent or slightly weirded out when I imagine myself as a girl in normal circumstances, but since it’s a fantasy, it does arouse me if I’m in a mood for that kink. And honestly i feel almost angry at the transgender community for “convincing” me that I’m trans, even though I don’t think I’m trans and they didn’t do anything to spur it on. I feel a few seconds of relief and then that’s gone when I remember I have a strange fetish. Going to the doctor for a legit OCD diagnosis soon, I hope they believe me.

pavlov's dog.

shock_the_monkey wrote:pavlov's dog.

What?

jjusa wrote:

shock_the_monkey wrote:pavlov's dog.

What?

... ivan pavlov was a russian psychologist that taught a dog to salivate on hearing a bell ring by presenting the dog with food at the same time as ringing the bell. the dog learned to associate the sound of the bell ringing with food and would salivate in anticipation even when no food was present. in short, your fantasy has created an association that you now can't control because it's being triggered by events and things that you never envisaged. you are the dog, masturbation is the food, your fantasy about being a woman is the bell, and salivation is you thinking you're actually sexually a woman. anything associated with your fantasy about being a woman will now trigger your gender disorientation. that's pavlov's dog, except pavlov trains his dog and you trained yourself. so, put away your bell and hope you salivation recedes without any reinforcement.

^^ what he said.

TL;DR: Break the loop. At some point, I have to walk away from my intrusive thoughts, and say ###$ it.

Snaga wrote:^^ what he said.

TL;DR: Break the loop. At some point, I have to walk away from my intrusive thoughts, and say ###$ it.

I’m still terrified that I’ll never return to normal. I’m terrified that I’ll never be able to live the life I envisioned for myself. I just don’t know. I’m such a dunce for even searching the damn kink. Now I’m afraid that I’ll develop a legitimate transgender identity like AGP horror stories I read. Everytime I tell myself I’m just a guy with a weird kink I feel relief but that quickly fades around the doubt. I feel like I’m lying to myself all the time, and I feel terribly hopeless and depressed. I haven’t been able to focus on anything. I tried ERP but I can’t force myself to be anxious, or perhaps I’ve been so anxious for so long? I wake up with this terrible dread in the back of my mind and all my mind conjures is “that’s just dysphoria.” My life recently has been ######6 trash. I don’t want therapy because I’m afraid this thin veil of denial I perceive in my fear state is real and that once I stop worrying, I’ll want hormones or something. Talking about it is the only thing that keeps me grounded. Is this even TOCD?

Hi, I’ve been dealing with similar stuff too (if you want you can read my other posts here) but I’m a gay guy so I’m pretty feminine. Even though we are different we share a similar experience: I never imagined myself as female during sex but since I saw a post here I’m starting to be worried about that too (I have already tocd). Both of our fears are dumb, yours is a kink and mine is just a worry, but we can’t make them leave our minds. I don’t know how to get over it cause I’m still dealing with it but just know that you are not alone and that there’s are people experiencing the same dread and hopelessness as you. Just stay strong and you will get over it. Also if you need it feel free to message me you won’t bother me