My POCD is back, stronger than before, feeling suicidal.

I feel very scared, and very nervous. Long story short, my POCD started about a year ago and it would sometimes also switch between incest themed OCD, or bestiality themed OCD. A few months afterwards it all seemed to have faded away.

Well, my POCD is back again and it's gotten worse than before. It's like once I find a way to get over an episode of POCD, my brain finds a way to make the next one even more intense, and feel so real.

I would never in my life do anything to hurt a child, or do any type of inappropriate acts towards a child. I am a 25 year old gay man, and never in the past have I had any thoughts or "urges" to commit such disgusting acts.

(Warning , the following may contain triggers)

Today started out as a nice day, I spent some time with my mom, cooked a nice meal, enjoyed my favorite tv show. Everything was going very well today, until I was getting ready to take a nap. For some reason an image of me committing disgusting acts to some random boy plays in my mind. I started having anxiety, and no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't get the image off my mind, and the worst past was that I was feeling aroused, like if I was enjoying it. A few minutes later I try to test myself and try to bring that image again, and I felt aroused again.... I feel very scared, because I felt like I was really enjoying those thoughts.

I'm scared that I might be a pedophile, and that I'm using POCD to justify my actions. One of my biggest fears is actually becoming a pedophile, I don't want to be labeled as that.

I just want my life to be the way it was a year and a half ago, before my first rounds of OCD episodes started occurring. Back when I didn't have to worry about avoiding being near children. I feel very depressed tonight I've even thought about suicide, and I can't even talk to my mother about it because she wont understand any of this. I hope maybe some members of this site can help me feel a little better.

1- based on what you’ve said it’s ocd and I don’t think your a pedofile.
2- you should not avoid being around children because purposefully avoiding triggers only makes the thoughts stronger.
3- when you are around children don’t check for arousal this also only makes the thoughts stronger.
4- I’ve been in the same boat before and I can tell you it does get better.
5- are you seeing a therapist or on medication?
6- please don’t kill yourself!!!!