HOCD. What now?

Linoahs121 wrote:

SickofTheOCD wrote:Your story is a little similar to mine.
The root of mine is loneliness and losing the chance on taking a relationship with a close friend to the next level. Seeing her with her boyfriend hurt me for months.
Then I read a story that was really triggering to my OCD and then it ran away with it. However, there weren't period where I felt numb to women. If I felt numb to women at a time, I felt numb to everything and became uninterested in everything. Women are part of my interests and I felt uninterested in that too.
If you have been gay this whole time, then why would you fear missing out on girls?

I feel you I came out of a relationship a year ago which had me down. In my case it started with that weird reaction to porn (the lump in throat/nausea) in April, then it escalated to real life. At first I was afraid of losing attraction to women, now I'm just afraid on multiple levels, whether it's not caring about missing out or wanting to do stuff with men or anything like that, even though it contridicts everything. I feel like I'm subconsiously giving up like whatever. Logic is not working. I don't want to be gay or bi, I have nothing against it but it's just not what I want. Problem is I keep rebutting myself like I'm lying.

SickofTheOCD wrote:And OCD will tell you that it isn't OCD.
When I had a fear of disease, I told myself it was normal and everyone else was stupid for not understanding how dangerous it was.
When I had a fear of touching batteries, I told myself everyone was stupid because if it's leaking, then they'll go blind and I won't.
When I had a fear of studying, I told myself that I was right for studying ten hours a day and not going out, I told myself that was fine because I was working. Everyone else was wrong for telling me to stop.
When the sexual orientation theme hit, I told myself that this isn't OCD and it's actually a sexual orientation crisis.
Meanwhile, I'm compulsively testing, getting disgusted at what I'm testing, and going back to getting aroused by women.
If you don't feel like being bisexual is not something you want, then you're not bisexual. Nobody can tell you what your sexuality is.

As you said it doesn't feel like ocd as my rituals are sutble or pure o, or fighting my mind.

SickofTheOCD wrote:There are women that drunkenly sleep with other women and enjoy it and there are men that sleep with other men for the purpose of sexual release all while still identify as straight.
Me? I identify as straight because I don't feel anything towards guys.
If you've been dealing with compulsive behavior about this, then it's likely OCD.
Stop going to Empty Closets because this is compulsive. I was dealing with compulsive behavior and I stopped doing it.
I stopped fearing potential homosexuality or bisexuality.
Like I said before, you're fearing this a lack of attraction because you've been anxious.

If anything, every time I have been out and drunk I'm pursuing women naturally. When I've been lucky it happens, but after I second guess myself. "Did I enjoy it?", "Am I over compensating?" I have stopped EC as it just caused me more harm than good.

SickofTheOCD wrote:I want you to answer this question honestly.
In this time you've had a blunted attraction to women, have you actually felt any same-sex attraction or have you just felt fear over feeling attracted to men?
Bisexuality is not attraction to women and a fear of attraction to men. It's an attraction to both. It doesn't even have to be equally or in the same manner.

I would say I am definitely in the latter. But it's so bad now that I don't know whether I'm checking for my reaction or checking out. Or like I'm resisting.

SickofTheOCD wrote:In my case, I feel sexually and romantically attracted to women and I don't feel that way towards men. I desire nothing more than to embrace a woman and make her feel happy. I don't feel that way towards men nor can I see myself having sex with another man without feeling revolted by it.
Also, not dating women doesn't mean anything. Try ERP and CBT. I don't know what your compulsions and thoughts are so I can't tell you what it should focus on and I'm also not a therapist but I can tell you that it worked for me.

I am in the same boat. I have even tried to be open-minded about it (thoughts-wise) and it's only lead to anxiety, being put off or a groinal response which leads to more anxiety. Sometimes I feel the impulse to watch straight porn to check. I made the mistake of going on gay porn the other day and it was just too weird and didn't arouse me. I thought I was better off not having done it. Then my mind starts saying "oh but porn is always weird you will get used to it". I am wary about ERP because of this. However, I am occasionally seeing a psychoanalyis, but no amount of telling me I'm straight is convincing me that I am.

SickofTheOCD wrote:I'm 23 and I've only been on one date. This is isn't because of some underlying sexuality that I haven't uncovered. It's because I was one of the weird kids in high school and when I came out of my shell in college, I compulsively studied out of a fear of failure.In your case, you didn't date because of religious reasons.
You can't just keep fearing this. It's actually affecting you.

Same here but in my case I was not socially adept with girls and religious. I was more focused on video games etc, than talking to girls. I guess it doesn't help I went to an all-boys school and didn't hang with the cool kids after school, who did go outside to talk to girls.

SickofTheOCD wrote:Right now, that fear will pop up and then I'll squash it by just saying "Yes, (Name). You've been crazy over women your whole life but you're gay/bi now. Sure."
Or I just agree with them sarcastically and they go away quickly.
Also, just know that simply finding a man attractive does not mean that you are sexually or romantically attracted.
Aesthetic attraction is a thing. That is simply saying "Huh. He looks good".
Sexual attraction is closer to "DAMN. I WANT TO KISS HIM!"
I can recognize when someone is good looking and I feel comfortable expressing it. That doesn't mean that I want him sexually or romantically. It means I have a working pair of eyes.

I understand what you mean. I think problem with ocd is that it deals in absolutes, and a lot of things don't work like that. I will keep trying to be logical about this.

I'm having issues listening to my own damn advice right now. lol. I started getting some intense thoughts about women today, as I have been for a few weeks but then the thought of being bi instead of being gay popped up and it hasn't left.
I also resorted back to testing myself repeatedly despite the constant reassurance, but that's OCD. Reassurance is never enough.
I put myself to gay on Tinder and tried to masturbate to the men but couldn't do it then I kept going crazy over the women and started fantasizing about women.
When I'm not anxious, I'm going after women too. I don't get really get drunk often but when I do, it's usually something around women.
Today, I noticed that I really don't have attraction to guys but that fear is still is there. My compulsion now is looking at men or gay porn to show myself how stupid I'm being. I usually stop fearing. If these images get stuck in my mind, I close my eyes, focus on them and they become completely blurry or fade out into something else.
I only really started talking confidently to women in the last year. I'm becoming kinda desperate as 23 year old college grad, I'm still a virgin, but $#%^. Honestly, I think that getting laid will help a ton with my OCD which is why I've started using Tinder and similar apps a lot more. Honestly, if you're having sex with women, then you're not gay.

-- Fri Jan 26, 2018 7:31 pm --

SickofTheOCD wrote:

Linoahs121 wrote:

SickofTheOCD wrote:Your story is a little similar to mine.
The root of mine is loneliness and losing the chance on taking a relationship with a close friend to the next level. Seeing her with her boyfriend hurt me for months.
Then I read a story that was really triggering to my OCD and then it ran away with it. However, there weren't period where I felt numb to women. If I felt numb to women at a time, I felt numb to everything and became uninterested in everything. Women are part of my interests and I felt uninterested in that too.
If you have been gay this whole time, then why would you fear missing out on girls?

I feel you I came out of a relationship a year ago which had me down. In my case it started with that weird reaction to porn (the lump in throat/nausea) in April, then it escalated to real life. At first I was afraid of losing attraction to women, now I'm just afraid on multiple levels, whether it's not caring about missing out or wanting to do stuff with men or anything like that, even though it contridicts everything. I feel like I'm subconsiously giving up like whatever. Logic is not working. I don't want to be gay or bi, I have nothing against it but it's just not what I want. Problem is I keep rebutting myself like I'm lying.

SickofTheOCD wrote:And OCD will tell you that it isn't OCD.
When I had a fear of disease, I told myself it was normal and everyone else was stupid for not understanding how dangerous it was.
When I had a fear of touching batteries, I told myself everyone was stupid because if it's leaking, then they'll go blind and I won't.
When I had a fear of studying, I told myself that I was right for studying ten hours a day and not going out, I told myself that was fine because I was working. Everyone else was wrong for telling me to stop.
When the sexual orientation theme hit, I told myself that this isn't OCD and it's actually a sexual orientation crisis.
Meanwhile, I'm compulsively testing, getting disgusted at what I'm testing, and going back to getting aroused by women.
If you don't feel like being bisexual is not something you want, then you're not bisexual. Nobody can tell you what your sexuality is.

As you said it doesn't feel like ocd as my rituals are sutble or pure o, or fighting my mind.

SickofTheOCD wrote:There are women that drunkenly sleep with other women and enjoy it and there are men that sleep with other men for the purpose of sexual release all while still identify as straight.
Me? I identify as straight because I don't feel anything towards guys.
If you've been dealing with compulsive behavior about this, then it's likely OCD.
Stop going to Empty Closets because this is compulsive. I was dealing with compulsive behavior and I stopped doing it.
I stopped fearing potential homosexuality or bisexuality.
Like I said before, you're fearing this a lack of attraction because you've been anxious.

If anything, every time I have been out and drunk I'm pursuing women naturally. When I've been lucky it happens, but after I second guess myself. "Did I enjoy it?", "Am I over compensating?" I have stopped EC as it just caused me more harm than good.

SickofTheOCD wrote:I want you to answer this question honestly.
In this time you've had a blunted attraction to women, have you actually felt any same-sex attraction or have you just felt fear over feeling attracted to men?
Bisexuality is not attraction to women and a fear of attraction to men. It's an attraction to both. It doesn't even have to be equally or in the same manner.

I would say I am definitely in the latter. But it's so bad now that I don't know whether I'm checking for my reaction or checking out. Or like I'm resisting.

SickofTheOCD wrote:In my case, I feel sexually and romantically attracted to women and I don't feel that way towards men. I desire nothing more than to embrace a woman and make her feel happy. I don't feel that way towards men nor can I see myself having sex with another man without feeling revolted by it.
Also, not dating women doesn't mean anything. Try ERP and CBT. I don't know what your compulsions and thoughts are so I can't tell you what it should focus on and I'm also not a therapist but I can tell you that it worked for me.

I am in the same boat. I have even tried to be open-minded about it (thoughts-wise) and it's only lead to anxiety, being put off or a groinal response which leads to more anxiety. Sometimes I feel the impulse to watch straight porn to check. I made the mistake of going on gay porn the other day and it was just too weird and didn't arouse me. I thought I was better off not having done it. Then my mind starts saying "oh but porn is always weird you will get used to it". I am wary about ERP because of this. However, I am occasionally seeing a psychoanalyis, but no amount of telling me I'm straight is convincing me that I am.

SickofTheOCD wrote:I'm 23 and I've only been on one date. This is isn't because of some underlying sexuality that I haven't uncovered. It's because I was one of the weird kids in high school and when I came out of my shell in college, I compulsively studied out of a fear of failure.In your case, you didn't date because of religious reasons.
You can't just keep fearing this. It's actually affecting you.

Same here but in my case I was not socially adept with girls and religious. I was more focused on video games etc, than talking to girls. I guess it doesn't help I went to an all-boys school and didn't hang with the cool kids after school, who did go outside to talk to girls.

SickofTheOCD wrote:Right now, that fear will pop up and then I'll squash it by just saying "Yes, (Name). You've been crazy over women your whole life but you're gay/bi now. Sure."
Or I just agree with them sarcastically and they go away quickly.
Also, just know that simply finding a man attractive does not mean that you are sexually or romantically attracted.
Aesthetic attraction is a thing. That is simply saying "Huh. He looks good".
Sexual attraction is closer to "DAMN. I WANT TO KISS HIM!"
I can recognize when someone is good looking and I feel comfortable expressing it. That doesn't mean that I want him sexually or romantically. It means I have a working pair of eyes.

I understand what you mean. I think problem with ocd is that it deals in absolutes, and a lot of things don't work like that. I will keep trying to be logical about this.

I'm having issues listening to my own damn advice right now. lol. I started getting some intense thoughts about women today, as I have been for a few weeks but then the thought of being bi instead of being gay popped up and it hasn't left.
I also resorted back to testing myself repeatedly despite the constant reassurance, but that's OCD. Reassurance is never enough.
I put myself to gay on Tinder and tried to masturbate to the men but couldn't do it then I kept going crazy over the women and started fantasizing about women.
When I'm not anxious, I'm going after women too. I don't get really get drunk often but when I do, it's usually something around women.
Today, I noticed that I really don't have attraction to guys but that fear is still is there. My compulsion now is looking at men or gay porn to show myself how stupid I'm being. I usually stop fearing. If these images get stuck in my mind, I close my eyes, focus on them and they become completely blurry or fade out into something else.
I only really started talking confidently to women in the last year. I'm becoming kinda desperate as 23 year old college grad, I'm still a virgin, but $#%^. Honestly, I think that getting laid will help a ton with my OCD which is why I've started using Tinder and similar apps a lot more. Honestly, if you're having sex with women, then you're not gay.

Forget it all. I'm not bi or gay. This is fear is ridiculous and disgusting and I'm done looking at this stuff. Honestly, I took a good hard look at all of this stuff and I've realized I'm straight.
This fear is done. I'm not testing anymore and I'm not validating it anymore. I'm just 100% done with it. I'm moving on from this.

SickofTheOCD wrote:Forget it all. I'm not bi or gay. This is fear is ridiculous and disgusting and I'm done looking at this stuff. Honestly, I took a good hard look at all of this stuff and I've realized I'm straight.
This fear is done. I'm not testing anymore and I'm not validating it anymore. I'm just 100% done with it. I'm moving on from this.

Best of luck. I've had this for 12 years and it's still hard for me. Sometimes I think I really am gay, but for whatever reason I've never bothered to act on it. I suggest you seek a psychologist or psychiatrist, but keep it up.

mc1 wrote:

SickofTheOCD wrote:Forget it all. I'm not bi or gay. This is fear is ridiculous and disgusting and I'm done looking at this stuff. Honestly, I took a good hard look at all of this stuff and I've realized I'm straight.
This fear is done. I'm not testing anymore and I'm not validating it anymore. I'm just 100% done with it. I'm moving on from this.

Best of luck. I've had this for 12 years and it's still hard for me. Sometimes I think I really am gay, but for whatever reason I've never bothered to act on it. I suggest you seek a psychologist or psychiatrist, but keep it up.

I'm seeking out help with a peer support specialist. All I need right now is just to vent myself verbally to someone. I think that will help me a great deal. Just a bit of catharsis. Other than that, I think I'm getting a lot better.

I'm glad you could get through this.
I'm the complete opposite, though. The more I think about it, the more I'm sure that I'm gay/bi. You said you never enjoyed gay stuff. I can't say that, just yesterday when I was watching GoT, I started getting an erection after seeing a naked guy climb on top of another guy. If I had OCD, I'm sure it would be similar to yours, but I feel different than any other HOCD case on here. Nobody I know or read about, that didn't turn out gay, ever felt aroused to anything to do with guys. I literally can relate more to the people actually realising they are gay and living in denial. I think I just deny it because of the society or something, I really don't know. And I feel like I'm going to go mad after 2 years of going through this. I felt better for some time, but only because I ignored most of the stuff, and I still thought I was gay.
I'm at my wit's end and I really don't know what to do anymore. I can't just accept the possibility like people suggest to me. I tried, but I can't.
If I never felt aroused by gay stuff, I probably would have ditched these thoughts already. I just want to forget everything, but that's just denying it. I'm also on SSRIs but that didn't help either, so that proves my OCD is most likely not real further. And even if I do have OCD (I was diagnosed, but don't really believe in the diagnosis), that's not proof that I'm not gay. I've read about people thinking they had HOCD and turned out to be gay.

hocdsufferer wrote:I'm glad you could get through this.
I'm the complete opposite, though. The more I think about it, the more I'm sure that I'm gay/bi. You said you never enjoyed gay stuff. I can't say that, just yesterday when I was watching GoT, I started getting an erection after seeing a naked guy climb on top of another guy. If I had OCD, I'm sure it would be similar to yours, but I feel different than any other HOCD case on here. Nobody I know or read about, that didn't turn out gay, ever felt aroused to anything to do with guys. I literally can relate more to the people actually realising they are gay and living in denial. I think I just deny it because of the society or something, I really don't know. And I feel like I'm going to go mad after 2 years of going through this. I felt better for some time, but only because I ignored most of the stuff, and I still thought I was gay.
I'm at my wit's end and I really don't know what to do anymore. I can't just accept the possibility like people suggest to me. I tried, but I can't.
If I never felt aroused by gay stuff, I probably would have ditched these thoughts already. I just want to forget everything, but that's just denying it. I'm also on SSRIs but that didn't help either, so that proves my OCD is most likely not real further. And even if I do have OCD (I was diagnosed, but don't really believe in the diagnosis), that's not proof that I'm not gay. I've read about people thinking they had HOCD and turned out to be gay.

(just an opinion)
if the experience of intrusive thoughts is unpleasant to you can't like it =) you can't truly like what opposes your nature and childhood. So it's hard to tell if the stories you read were true(most likely not)(or the cases are not connected with hocd) If you don't like men and thinking about them can't make you relax and chill - you don't like men. And if it bothers you, you're most likely hating the experience you ithoughts providingRemember your childhood and who you were attracted to and thought about.

As someone who is an extremely gay OCD sufferer I can tell you right now you aren’t gay. I’ve had OCD obsessions my whole life, and none of them were about being gay. I KNEW I was gay. I knew it ever since I was a small child, atleast subconsciously anyways. I was always attracted to boys and never girls. In my opinion, if you were actually gay it would not be this sudden thought that came to your head, that makes no sense. Also, to the people who say that they find out later in life, it’s not so much that they had 0 clue but it’s more so a matter of denial. Someone’s sexuality doesn’t just change like that and although I do believe it can be fluid, these people would have had signs from a younger age.

I would never be sad that I couldn’t be with a woman. I’d be sad if I couldn’t be with men, so that right there tells me you aren’t gay in the SLIGHTEST.

-- Fri Feb 09, 2018 11:06 am --

Oh, and also you aren’t in denial if you are actively questioning it, doubtful, and are afraid of it. If it was denial you would know the truth, but you would continuously be pushing it away and pretending like it’s not there.

sickofbeinginvalid wrote:As someone who is an extremely gay OCD sufferer I can tell you right now you aren’t gay. I’ve had OCD obsessions my whole life, and none of them were about being gay. I KNEW I was gay. I knew it ever since I was a small child, atleast subconsciously anyways. I was always attracted to boys and never girls. In my opinion, if you were actually gay it would not be this sudden thought that came to your head, that makes no sense. Also, to the people who say that they find out later in life, it’s not so much that they had 0 clue but it’s more so a matter of denial. Someone’s sexuality doesn’t just change like that and although I do believe it can be fluid, these people would have had signs from a younger age.

I would never be sad that I couldn’t be with a woman. I’d be sad if I couldn’t be with men, so that right there tells me you aren’t gay in the SLIGHTEST.

-- Fri Feb 09, 2018 11:06 am --

Oh, and also you aren’t in denial if you are actively questioning it, doubtful, and are afraid of it. If it was denial you would know the truth, but you would continuously be pushing it away and pretending like it’s not there.

At a point, it morphed into bisexuality.
HOWEVER, I alot more certainty over the fact that I'm straight. The fear of being gay or bi is more or less gone. It does surface but to be honest, as of late. Instead of seeing "Oh can I masturbate?!"
I imagine myself with a girl and then imagine myself with a guy. I feel really aroused when I think about girls. I get erect or my penis gets swollen at the very least. I thought of having intense sex with woman at one point and I felt weak in the knees and got short of breath. When I imagine kissing a woman, I can FEEL every part of it and I also get aroused.
When I try to imagine the same thing with a guy, the only thing that happens is my penis turning flaccid or my penis shriveling up completely. I don't feel anything.
Also, I noticed something about my porn use. I've read that porn isn't a good indicator of sexuality.
HOWEVER, I look at straight porn to focus on the woman, not the penetration. I get off looking at the woman getting pleasured and imagining myself being the man in the situation. I like lesbian porn especially because there is no naked male.
Last time I fantasized about a woman, I got erect for two hours. I'm not even exaggerating. It was literally two hours.
Yesterday, I tried to imagine myself intensely making out with a guy and I just thought "...What the ###$...."
If my reaction to kissing a guy is that, then chances are that I probably don't want to kiss another man. The same things goes for having sex but my reaction isn't disgust for some reason. It's just boredom. It's kind of weird how kissing disgusts me but sex just bores me. It's weird but, whatever. It doesn't arouse me.
Male bodies don't have any sort of sensuality to them but women's bodies really have that sensuality. Just looking at some women gets me erect.
It's funny. I don't feel scared by the images anymore. I just don't care. I walked around NYC last night and I was checking out every other woman I saw.
Honestly, I'd agree with the denial thing. I would actually be getting aroused by thoughts of guys and would act like I hate it. The truth is, women have been arousing me since I was a kid and that hasn't changed.
I'm not gay or bi. I'm not fearful of that. I know what I like and I what I don't like. I like women and I don't like men.
Right now it OCD for me. It's just crushing depression right now. REALLY bad depression.

@SickofTheOCD glad to see your situation has improved. I think my situation is too deep in the rabbit hole I'm just tempted to give up.

I was on holiday not long ago, went out a lot chatted to a few girls but nothing. But I couldn't get the thoughts out of my mind about whether I fancied my male friends or not and at one point it was o awkward I hated it. It's funny as one time one gay guy came on to me hard, I was too nice to say I'm sorry I'm not gay, as they could backtrack. I felt very uncomfortable and ran off the first opportunity I had. My mate was on pills so was too busy chatting away to notice. I told him after and he suggested that I should just be firm and say I don't bat for the same team. The fact that happened gave me reassurance that I'm not gay, but I think most girls approached in such a fashion wouldn't be that flattered, even guys.

I guess this is something for @sickofbeinginvalid what would be the difference between attraction, the anxiety of it like how a lot of people here feel, along with intrusive thoughts?

I also went out the other day and as soon as an I walked in I noticed this girl and I think she clocked on the corner of her eye and danced towards me. I had only got in so I had my coat on etc but I saw what she was doing, but I felt fear all of a sudden and completely chickened out. Then after I was obsessing whether I was just anxious by her sudden signal or if I was put off because she was a woman.

So continues my struggle, I just want these thoughts and me constantly thinking about my sexuality to stop. Surely if I liked men it would have appeared way long ago. Anyone interested in my story can see my threads and judge to themselves.

Now the idea of sex feels foreign and it's bugging me out. When I imagine the actual PIV of it, it feels weird and I feel a bout of anxiety as if I don't want to do it. It's like my previous post with me bottling it with that girl. I keep checking and thinking about homo stuff to see comparison. This is ruining my quality of thinking and I'm just tempted to give up and be gay or something even though it doesn't feel right.