IS THIS TOCD ANYMORE???

Ok, so I have been struggling with what I hope to be TOCD for about 7 months now. It’s honestly taking over my whole life, and I have been having constant suicidal thoughts. I have a diagnosis of both OCD and Borderline Personality Disorder so as you can guess my identity has always been in question and very unstable. Now ever since this Trans fear started i’ve been having sensations on my chest as if breasts are there and I get an image in my head of me having breasts. Also, my internal dialogue has begun mixing up pronouns. For example, when I refer to myself for some reason my mind will automatically go to she instead of he when before it was never like that, and when I am thinking about a female friend in my head for example, the pronoun he automatically replaces she, and when I correct myself for some reason it seems like a tiring hassle, as if I’m trying too hard to convince myself of something. The problem is that i’ve always been pretty non-conforming and I wear make up a lot. I’ve also imagined myself in the role of my female friends and of famous people who are women, but i’ve Never really wished I was them or that I wanted to have a female body myself. But then the intrusive thoughts about having breasts throw me off and make me think I do want boobs. It’s all very confusing.

The scariest part now is that I have been having thoughts of transitioning. Not because I actually want to be a woman, but because I want this stress to end and I feel that since I’m having these thoughts I must be trans. I also keep having this weird thought and hope that there will be some sort of medicine that can be released that will relieve what I am scared is my gender dysphoria and it gives me hope. The idea of getting a vagina and boobs however doesn’t give me hope. It doesn’t make me feel good, in fact it makes me feel apathetic and even dreadful for my future. I just wish I could be how I was before this all started, I don’t feel like I’m finding myself, I feel like i’m dying. I can’t stop reading trans forums and seeing people say that I must be trans since I am questioning. It just makes me desire death more.

One last point I want to add is that for some reason my mind is (I hope) tricking me into wanting someone to tell me that I am trans. I think that my mind is doing this so I can just stop worrying about it, but then I fear that maybe it’s all denial and that I am trans.

I am by no means an expert in this area (having never had trans ocd), but based on what you’ve said I don’t think you’re trans.

Oh my ######6 god i’m so scared now. I remember I had made a post on an old account a while back and said that I thought I could have gender dysphoria, and this was before I started have the Trans obsession. Does this mean I’m trans? Oh my god, I honestly cannot take this anymore I feel like the trans thing is just a build up and that I am actually trans.

Have you talked to a therapist about any of this?

I have once and she said it wasn’t a main concern and she was more concerned about my emotional dysregulation issues. I’m just so confused because even now I don’t think I have a desire to be a woman. I don’t want boobs or a vagina. I don’t “wish” to be a woman, but my mind has been racing so much that I don’t even know what it would mean or feel like to wish to be a woman besides wanting their anatomy which I don’t think I want. I’m scared that it will get to the point where I want it though. Does this sound like OCD? I am beyond stressed out about all of this.

-- Sat Jan 20, 2018 7:45 pm --

She also suggested that I go look for some LGBT groups in my area, but I’m too afraid to open up to anyone about it and then possibly found out that I am trans.

It really sounds like ocd to me. If I were you I would speak to a therapist about it again.

Audrey1 wrote:It really sounds like ocd to me. If I were you I would speak to a therapist about it again.

I have had other obsessions in the past. My obsession before this was a fear of being a narcissists which lasted almost a year, and then it tuned into TOCD. I’ve had OCD symptoms my whole life. The thing that sucks is that my therapist neglects my OCD symptoms and is more concerned about my BPD and PTSD. Ughh

Classic intrusive thoughts and OCD. According to Exposure Therapy, once you have these thoughts, you have to have a "ok it is what it is" mentality. Basically submerge yourself in the Anxiety over and over again. Once you expose yourself to the anxiety repeatedly, you gradually feel less and less anxious, and the obsession goes away.

Sorry to hear you are struggling, I deal with trans thoughts myself too and I can find them challenging at times.

Tonight I tried on a skirt so I don't know what that means.

Is your therapist familiar with exposure and response prevention treatment for OCD?