POCD taking over my life. I need your thoughts!

It just doesn’t end. What do you guys think? For weeks i’ve Been filled with fear of becoming or being a pedo... this fear came from watching a news report and all of a sudden, I began questioning myself. Im only 18 years old and I have no idea why this is happening.

Every time I see a kid in public, I always freak out.. I have a panic attack and all these thoughts go through my head “Do I find them attractive?”. Even if I see an adorable toddler or baby.. I immediately freak out and think “Do I actually think they are adorable or am I just saying that to cover up the fact that i’m Attracted to them?” I don’t know what to think anymore!

Obviously a pedophile has a sexual attraction to kids... and I can confidently say I don’t have that. I dont look at a kid the same way I would look at a hot guy. I don’t know why my brain can’t grasp that. I can’t remember a time where I had ever thought of a kid sexually. At this point, I dont even know what a pedophile is anymore. They’re people that have sexual feelings for children... right? Well, if thats the case.. I don’t have that.

Then, I began having false memories and the questioning just starts over and over again. I’ve looked at pictures of kids just to see if I have attraction, as a form of checking, and it feels so real and I begin having a panic attack, my heart races, I can’t sit straight,.. it’s ridiculous, and I just want this to end. It’s effecting my life so bad. What do you guys think?

There was a time whenever a heavy vehicle like a bus or lorry drove past me that I freaked out over throwing myself under the wheels.

I had watched some videos online of someone splattered under the wheels of a bus. It terrified me, it made me think I never want to go through something as horrific as that. Yet for a couple of years afterwards there was a strange magnetic attraction luring me to those wheels as a heavy vehicle drove past.

Whenever one drove past I would have to resist that attraction and was terrified it might overwhelm me and suck me under then splatter me. It was not funny.

The worst one for me was watching a news story of a guy that had climbed into a lion enclosure at a zoo and got eaten. That weird magnetic attraction was back. So now I dont go to zoos, just in case!!! (joke lol)

There are things you dont want to happen to you in life, things you dont want to do, things you have no interest in doing, and its all of these that make you obsess that it might occur. Its like being sat in a room with a big red button and told under no account should you ever press it. You are told what terrifying or terrible things will happen if you do. Yet its always there!!!!!!

.... and I almost forgot trains. Going down that gap between the train and the platform. Then it starts moving and well the rest is a mangled history lol.

Cannon_Ball1 wrote:There are things you dont want to happen to you in life, things you dont want to do, things you have no interest in doing, and its all of these that make you obsess that it might occur.

First I want to say that OP is NOT a pedo at all and I think he/she knows it but the ocd is clouding the mind.

For me, I don't really know anymore if I'm a pedo or not... Because if you ask me like you said:

"Do I want to be a pedo" No. Not at all. And I'm 100% sure of this.
"Do you want to do pedo things?" No. (but I'm doubting this and I hate it!!)
"Do you have interest in doing something with a child" No. (still doubting!! :'( )
"Will you ever do pedo things?" NO. 10000000 times NO!!