Rumination and relationships

Dear all,

I’m new here and really could use some help. I’ve been having a pretty rough time these last few months, and I can’t stop overthinking one particular event. And by overthinking I mean thinking about it constantly, reassuring myself, panicking, imagining worst case scenario’s etc etc. Right now I feel like I’ve made a terrible mistake and I can’t let it go. It’s controlling my lif, and I have no control over it.

Me and the ex gf broke up 7 months ago. We kind of stayed in touch, saw each other every month to see where we were in life. Never kissed, never had sex after the break up. We sometimes slept in the same bed, but 100% platonically.

I very casually started seeing a woman 4 months ago (no strings attached at all). Let’s call her Y. I liked her, but two months or so ago she made it very clear she was not in love with me and she will never get to that point. So we decided to continue as friends.

A week after that, Y and I end up in bed together after a night of drinking. I figured it was just a friends with benefits thing, as she was so clear before. The days after she seemed a little bit interested in me and I noticed her attitude started shifting. But I wasn't sure about her intentions. During that time I met up for a drink with the ex and spent the night, because I felt alone I guess. Again, nothing (!) happened. Just sleeping. No kissing etc. I did not tell Y, since I felt like had no obligation to do so. She was clear about not being in love with me, and we did not have an agreement of any sort.

During the 4 weeks after that, Y and I saw a lot more of each other and she admitted to have fallen in love with me. I started feeling the same and we made it exclusive.

But now, I feel sooo guilty about the platonic sleepover with the ex, weeks before exclusivity with Y. This is mainly because Y said her feelings for me started to change and grow after we had the drunk sex again. She also told me she would be very very disappointed if she found out if I had been kissing other people by that point. I did not kiss anyone, and I still feel like at that point in time, it was 100% none of her business. But I feel like cr*p, because I think she would call it quits if she knew. She tells me she values my honesty and openness and now I feel like I’ve messed up.

I can’t seem to escape the rumination-spiral. It feels like it has taken over my life. And I’m so lost. How do you guys deal with the overthinking/overanalyzing?

I have stopped seeing the ex btw after that sleepover, as it didn’t feel right any more.

Just stop. That's how you deal with it.. it's not magic.

You have to make yourself not care. At least, that's what I do. I make myself not care about it, and enough of that, the excessive thoughts and anxiety start to fade. You can't have known that your new love was in love with you, at that point in time, you've done nothing wrong, IMO. But you're going to have to tell yourself that, and tell yourself that you don't care about it, as a result. The more you worry over it, the more it will bug you to worry over it. At least that's been my experience.