I can't masturbate, scary OCD!

Hello

I have a very important question: I'm in my mid twenties old right now. I started to masturbate when I was 12, and then at the age of 14 I promised myself to stop. Since 15 I have never done it.

However, more problems arose. During that period of masturbation I was promising myself and swearing not to masturbate since I thought it can influence my health and my achievements. Basically I was thinking it's really bad and I stopped. But since then I started to have erections with pre-ejaculate. I would see it when I was aroused or was in the bathroom. All of this things combined with the idea that masturbation is really bad for my health and that it's a sin. It made me afraid of pre-ejaculate or erections.

If I saw pre-ejaculate or had an erection, I started to blame myself. I thought that if I did something before it, such as read a book, that now I can't do it. Basically, I was really nervous about such things like erection or pre-ejaculate from both spiritual and mental viewpoints.

That was before I was 17. After that I still had that problem but I also started to have daily ejaculations during arousal. It was really terrible. Once it happened I would go into a depression for six months and feel that I was less developed, weaker, and lost everything I had before.

This continued until I turned 20. Then I had another problem. In terms of pre-ejaculate, I developed my own psychological treatment of the problem: as long as I have a wet dream after pre-cum, I become normal again since actual sperm includes pre-cum and wet dream will happen anyway given that I don't masturbate. But now I can't treat the problem of pre-cum and erections with wet dreams. Now if I feel pre-cum on my underwear the effect is the same as in terms of real masturbation or ejaculation - I start blaming myself for hours and days, feel that I lost everything I had before. I feel that I can't do the stuff I could do before. I go into depression, can't wake up in the morning, because I'm blaming myself all the time.

I could be barely aroused and felt pre-cum on my underwear when I was in the bathroom in the morning and since that time I'm blaming myself and can't stop, I can't do anything - only blame myself and that is it. I have the same feeling as before. I was even afraid of a little arousal and of even little thoughts about girls.

Then at mid twenties after 11 years of abstaining I decided to stop all of this and to start masturbating back, anxieties about pre-cum went away but I developed new ones - about masturbating several times a day or masturbating before 10 pm at night - like I can masturbate only from 10pm to 1 am and that's it. If I do it different time I get anxious depressed and masturbate more and more.

I realized this after doing MB for 4-5 months and my anxieties and fears about pre-cum are coming back. I don't know what to do. I lost 9 months in the last 15 months struggling with this.

Nobody told me MB is bad - I just read it's bad in the book of folk medicine and then was thinking it's something that affects my mind, makes me stupid and intellectually weaker.

It's like I am blind and can't really see/enjoy the life and the same time I have mental pain - it's like tooth pain but stronger.

I feel so desperate and miserable right now.