This might be the worse feeling yet (TOCD)

Of course, I write T-ocd but yet I apparently don't have it according to my psychiatrist or psychologist, rather an obsessive disorder. Pure O? Maybe but perhaps when I am feeling better I'll be able to take the time to write something far more coherent, but seriously buckle up because I am feeling absolutely awful!

So I hadn't used my Zoloft in a while, that technically is a no-no by a ton of standards and I have few outside influences to blame other than myself considering I made the choice much to the shock of my psychologist. It was a test at the time considering my spikes were becoming worse and worse with each passing moment I was on the pill, things related to my anxiety went from zero to sixty in a second. Of course, I would then attribute those feelings of anxiety to being some sort of gender dysphoria and that would freak me out even more!

Now it's been almost 2 weeks since I've been off of it, and I had to consider the following: Was I off of it for too long and the good normal feelings I had endured was just the drug still inside of my system? or was it some sort of placebo effect that has finally just died and now gave me these feelings of absolute dread and hopelessness. I can't begin to talk to my family without envisioning scenarios where I request them to change my pronouns to she, or telling my friends to do that as well, but then just sitting here and not caring about anything else like having a girl name (though my real name is technically unisex). Though here is the thing, I hate how high my voice sounds, I wish it was deeper, I hate long hair which is why I'm getting it cut tomorrow. I still can't help but freak out about putting my family through something like making them adhere to whatever pronouns I demand! It gives me anxiety and spikes when I hear people say he, because then I imagine these scenarios of me having to correct them. The feeling of anxiety doesn't really stem from being referred to as he though, it's just me thinking of socially embarrassing situations or what I perceive as such. Like imagine if I had to just stop them right there and tell them that I am a she, it gives me anxiety and I do have social anxiety as well.

Thing is, I am very self-aware of stuff, I definitely am when it comes to these thoughts and I can definitely bridge the influences of irrational thought. I mean I only had begun getting these thoughts of being trans when I spoke up about trans rights! Not through looking in a mirror or thinking I'd be better off being a girl in thought. No, those came after. Yet here I am! Still worried that these thoughts hold better knowledge of me, and as I feel better spilling these feelings onto text I just wonder how long before I eventually go back into feeling dread.

I guess if anything should I try to go back to Zoloft or request a different medication completely? I only have 5 more days until I talk to the psychiatrist and god will there be things to talk about. Also might ask about adderal since I've had trouble focusing and it's only in moments of complete desperation (like this one to help quell these feelings of dread) that I actually do anything and my mother has add but I won't go out and request it though. I have to make sure the psychiatrist really does know if I need it or not since I don't want to do anything I'd regret.