Anxiety of getting arrested (I feel like dying..)

Hello. I'm 19, gay. My greatest insecurities in life were probably my dad being a homophobic and severe bullying by people in school during primary&middle&high school years because of my sexual orientation. It's been a few months since my dad seriously threatened to kill me. I couldn't get out of home for a week to go to school. Parents have been divorced since I was 3 and I wasn't seeing my dad so much, I've always disliked him since early childhood and this dislike turned into hate throughout my teenage years. So, this was short version introducing myself.

Two years ago, I was diagnosed with OCD and anxiety and it was about getting HIV. It was so bad, had therapy for a year, used medication and they helped. Then I suddenly gave them up and started using drugs again, unfortunately. (I firstly used when I was 16). I'm not a regular user or addict but I used them whenever I couldn't cope with my problems and wanted to feel happy.

I don't know if it's against the forum rules (I hope not) but this anxiety of getting arrested first started when I had a sexual conversation with someone older on a chatroom and I was pretending to be 15-16. I didn't send photos or anything, just typed. So it was simply two adults chatting in reality. I'm no way interested in people younger than me. I'm 19 and I'm not even interested in 18 or 20. I'm interested in men much older than me actually, like at least 30 years old. However, this chat thing made me think that I was going to get arrested & going to be misunderstood & people will label me & I will go to prison then I'll get raped and beaten every day because I'm gay etc etc etc. Seriously, these are what I think and whenever I think about these at home, I feel like I can't breathe and I go all red, feel dizzy and feel like crying. Whenever I tell myself that these thoughts are probably nonsense, then I tell myself "you know you might get arrested any time, now, tomorrow, a year later or even 10 years later so you can't feel calm!" It's like I'm fighting with my mind but doesn't work at all. It feels like my next 10 years are going to be like this and I sometimes feel suicidal (not that I will, I know it's a bad idea). I've never viewed illegal content on web or even tried to. I even asked on a legal-advice website about this "chatting" thing even though it was a website based in US and I'm not even from US and I remember an answer like "as long as both are adults, then it must be legal regardless of what you pretend to be". I got relieved for a second but then went into an anxiety crisis again and I was like "god, now they will track me more easily because I admitted it on a website" and I cried all night.



Since having this obsession and anxiety I've been questionig myself about whether my concerns are realistic or not. Because when I was concerned about getting HIV and thought that it could pass to someone via a hair brush (lol yes), all of those incredibly nonsense scary thoughts sounded like the most logical things in the world at that time. Eventually, I realized how nonsense and stupid my thoughts were but the thing is, you can't know if they make sense or not while still coping with the problems.

I can't sleep at night, I can't wake up in the morning, my grades suddenly became all F, I lost my scholarship and I consider dropping off the school next year because it just doesn't work out. I can't take it anymore. Can't focus on anything at all because of the things I told. I've been clean from drugs for a long time now and I don't worry about starting again but what I'm doing everyday is just waking up, watching TV, drinking litres of coffee and smoking at least 2 packs a day. I'm really hoping someone could show me a way..

Thanks.

I would think if anyone needed to worry, it would be the person thinking they're chatting up a 15 year old, not the one pretending. I wouldn't worry about it...

Snaga wrote:I would think if anyone needed to worry, it would be the person thinking they're chatting up a 15 year old, not the one pretending. I wouldn't worry about it...

Thanks for replying. Yes I also thought about that then I worried about maybe they'll misunderstand me, maybe they'll think that I was trying to talk to teenagers instead of the older men, etc.. possibilities never end in my head. The fact I create in my head is I guess, that I'll be arrested simply for anything. I mean my mind tells me it's a fact and it'll happen somehow! And when I say "I create" in my head, it's kind of relieving because that feeling is so familiar from my previous concerns about getting HIV. But then I think "what if I'm just trying to relieve myself by convincing my mind that I'm just making these up?"

One of the scenarios I create is, for example two years later, I go to study abroad, forgotten about all these, feeling all good and happy. Then someone from family calls and tells me that they arrested my mom for something I have done online (since they just track the home not the person?).

This sounds ridiculous, but I can't help thinking about these.

Yesterday night, I was alone at home and was overthinking again. Then I drank a bottle of wine whole watching a TV show, I felt relaxed then fell asleep. I woke up better, then after a few hours I ordered sushi to treat myself and I was craving sushi. Thought it was going to be a peaceful day. And while eating, there was a court scene in a series I was watching, then it caused me a kind of crisis, I was sweating, worrying, turned all red, my heart started to beat fast and I couldn't eat my food anymore. Closed the laptop and started to think again, made research about whether it's illegal or not, then when I made sure that it's not illegal for a second, then I made sure that I was going to get arrested somehow, anyway.

I don't know why I feel guilty. When I talked to those men, I thought of myself being 15 or 16, so I was roleplaying of myself actually. I wasn't thinking like "it's not wrong if he chats with someone that age", no, it was wrong. The thing is, I've always been looking for a dad figure in my relationships in real life. When I was 15, I had my first actual sex with a 30 year old man. My boyfriends were always a lot older than me. None of them was taking advantage of me, though. At least I didn't feel so. Maybe that's why I liked talking to those men online, as a kind of flashback maybe.

And when it comes to my dad, I've hated him and always told people that I wish him a slow but painful death. I'm not a hating person normally, but when it comes to him, I can link many defects in my personality and my mind with the things he's done to me (and hasn't done, as a father of course). Few days ago I was told that he has lung cancer and it's pretty much in a bad stage. The "slowly and painful" death I wished for him I guess.. And when I heard about his disease for the first time I felt all empty but also a little happy deep in somewhere. It made me feel awful to feel that and now I'm sad for him. I don't want anyone to die, in fact..

Sorry that my posts are unnecesarily detailed. I just wanted to tell about things that have been eating me up.

I can't stop imagining what people will think of me if I get arrested. I'm not even attracted to someone younger than me, I don't even suffer from POCD. It's because I only like older men. Damn this is so bad. I really feel like death is not so bad. If I didn't have mom or sister or any relative that loves me, I could consider death. Because each year I have different obsessions and I can't take it anymore. When I had the obsessions about being HIV+, I didn't want to kiss anyone on cheek while greeting because I thought I could transmit it, and the funny part is I knew it's against the science to transmit it via kissing on cheek! I had been tested negative at that time multiple times btw. And all that sound ridiculous now. And I recovered from that obsession because I liked a HIV+ man who was on treatment, and we went on dates etc. and I was all comfortable. But I don't know if this current obsession&anxiety is ridiculous like the previous one . It sounds ridiculous, like OCD, and it doesn't sound ridiculous as well, like maybe it's not OCDl. I'm going to lose my mind I guess. I don't know how to get this one sorted out..

I know it feels as if you'll lose your mind- been there- but pretty sure you won't sweetie.

And I really don't think what you did you need to worry about.... but reassurance from me isn't what you need- you need to make your mind up that you're going to cease worrying about this- worry about it, when men show up at your door!! Not before. Anxiety puts the cart before the horse. If anyone did anything wrong afaic, it's the people who thought they were chatting up a minor, not the person who was projecting themselves back into that age.

But that's reassurance, and reassurance doesn't last- you need to decide that this is going to be okay and that you're not in trouble. Otherwise you'll keep seeking words of comfort- when the comfort needs to come from making up your mind this is bullcrap and you're not going to worry about something you can't undo anyway. I have to do that a lot with things I have done, and do, online- it's done, there's no point in fretting over it, I'll worry about it when it comes back to bite me (it never has) and not before. It's not perfect ofc., I do sometime worry, but I do manage to keep my (mostly) unreasonable fears from becoming full-blown panic and terror.

Dsy012 wrote:When I was 15, I had my first actual sex with a 30 year old man. My boyfriends were always a lot older than me. None of them was taking advantage of me, though. At least I didn't feel so.

Ofc you didn't feel so- that was the plan... the first experience was totally inappropriate and ofc the 30-y/o knew it. I was groomed by an older guy so I understand about liking older men. It's little wonder that you like to project yourself back into a younger age- I fantasize that all the time, myself.

Snaga, you're a miracle! Reading what you wrote really helped and soothed me and it's like my stress level dropped from 90% to 30%, which is revolutionary to me haha. Maybe tomorrow it's going to be fully stressing again but tonight it seems like I'll have a more peaceful sleep at least.