HOCD is a curse

I’m trey, 16, and been dealing with what I hope is hocd for just over a year now. I’ve researched, spent hours trying to figure out the cure and i can’t cone up with anything. This isn’t my first time dealing with hocd, the first time was my freshmen year of high school, 7 months before I got it again. I got that hocd from watching gay porn, I was a very big porn addict and I still am. After 3 weeks of suffering, it just clicked one day, I knew I wasn’t gay, I was so confident that no intrusive thought could bother me and I went on and completely forgot about hocd. After than I got a crush with a girl who was really cute that lasted 3 months, and another that lasted a month but I had some insane feelings. I was always attracted to girls my whole life, the little pervert kid who loves to stare at boobs. I knew I was straight before 100 percent certain, never had feelings for guys, emotionally or sexually. So how this new hocd I have gotten, started July of 2016, and it all started one day when I was at the gym checking out a hot girl and all of a sudden I thought, why can’t I get a boner too her and it all started. Everyday I lived in fear, I avoided things that had to do with homosexuality, checked between straight and gay porn to see which I was attracted too, I had just about every hocd symptom. My sophomore year of high school was the worst year of my life. Every single day I woke up to anxiety fearing I was gay, every thought was a intrusive thought followed by me following with a compulsion to reassure myself. A cycle of hell, suicide cane into my thoughts many times, I just wanted to end it all, the only way to escape hocd was too sleep. Hocd killed my interest in everything and anything. Seriously what the ###$ bro if I think of anything that I would always enjoy like hanging with my friends, I will think of hocd and automatically be disinterested.

It feels like I can’t do anything else with my life until I overcome these thoughts. I just want to have the old, happy me back. I don’t even know what the hell im afraid of, I guess I just don’t want to be gay. I always read how people say gay people are only afraid of what people think of them, well that’s definitely not what I think about and fear at all, that rarely ever comes into my mind, but when it does that gives me some anxiety cause it’s not a fun thought thinking about everyone seeing you different. I used to be homophobic but not anymore I’m sorry to all the gay people I made fun of behind their back.

I’m sorry to everyone who has to deal with this pain, it is terrible and the worst thing is nobody understands in real life for a lot of us which kills. After this whole time I’ve definitely gotten a lot better, I’ve reallt cut down on the porn which has made any attraction to a gay thought or anything related sexually to homosexuality gone, so basically I have 0 attraction to men, and I’m scared I’m not attracted to girls.

I’ve learned many ways to cope with it and the main one is to just let the thoughts be there and not care which is actually the best solution because when I do this I definitely see the hocd decreasing. But it gets hard especially when you get a strong anxiety spike.

I used to experience the common symptoms, like checking, trying to get a erection by looking st women, asking friends if they thought something was gay(example: so u think it’s gay to wear a pink shirt), etc there are so many.

Some symptoms I experience today:
- I get scared that people think I’m gay for no reason, like if I look at a guy and they see me they might think I’m gay.
-I get scared that a gay guy is attracted to me so therefore I am gay myself.
-the way I talk, walk, or even the way my hand looks, this has been a symptom from the start.
So many more but u get the point here.

I wish I could find a way to overcome this, and in all honesty I don’t even know if I have hocd, maybe I’m just gay, just yesterday I was thinking about making out with this cute girl and really enjoyed it, and then the thought of a gay kid kissing me and I immediately wanted it out. All intrusive thoughts I never enjoyed, always hated them. I always loved dating and talking to girls.

I feel so weak and non masculine when before I felt like I was on top of the world. I feel as if i like the thoughts but I can’t enjoy them because I haven’t accepted I’m gay but once I do I will like the thoughts of being gay. Today I got hard thinking about sex with this one girl.

In one of my classes I have a homosexual kid sitting in front of me, which is a curse beyond curses. Every time I see him I get scared, every time I say something and he looks at me I’m scared, today I was afraid I wanted to kiss him, and worst of all I felt attracted to him MENTALLY. If that even makes any sense, I know I don’t want to do any of that, I hate him for no reason, hocd frustrates me I just want myself back I hate my life. WHAT DO I DO, please I can’t take it anymore.

My head is really starting to ache from all the thoughts to the point where I get pissed. How am I sopposed to live when every time I’m speaking to a male I’m thinking, do u think he’s hot, u want to kiss him, u like him. Every time a conversation is brought up of girls I am immediately uncomfortable because I’m afraid I’m not attracted to them and before this started I LOVED TALKING ABOUT GIRLS. Should I continue with the just letting the thoughts be?

PLEASE, someone HELP ME!

I hope someone who understands can help you. I can not I'm sorry - I couldn't possibly pretend to k ow how to deal with what is happening.

I'm sorry this is happening to you. My only advice would be to go with what turns you on. If you are sexually attracted to men you shouldn't have to torture yourself.

I get the feeling you are terrified to admit you are gay bc then you would have to accept it. Perhaps you are sad over leaving the person/lifestyle you once visited. Labels can't change who you are on the inside. You really need help I hope you can seek it outside of this forum. In order to gain inner peace you Need to know who are in every area of your life. Not knowing who you are sexually will be a thorn in your side every day in your life. Talk with a trained professional, don't be a big head. Does it feel like gender dysphoria? I'm ignorant to this topic . Best of luck.

I'm a gay guy and I'm pretty sure you're not gay or even bi. Reading your post I noticed that you dont get really good feelings about the thought of doing something with a man while you seem to enjoy girls. Probably you will doubt and doubt and doubt but if you think logically and rational I think you know that you're straight.