OCD Changing Form, Confusion and anxiety?

So I have some other posts I had made years ago, regarding a somewhat traumatic experience as well as how it exacerbated some OCD symptoms. Anyway, I recently have been having a strange type of anxiety that makes me feel clouded and as if something needs to be "solved" in my head, in order for my mind to feel at peace, part of me knows this is irrational. This at times gets tiring, and I want to just turn off my brain to not have to deal with it. I am pretty educated on OCD and anxiety, and have a B.S. In psychology, as well as did therapy for a little over a year. I believe I have some ptsd like symptoms, and ocd as well. The other day i was smoking some weed and was laughing because i had recalled something crazy that happened a few years ago when i was with my friend. We were driving and long story short I yelled at a teacher that had to do with the traumatic stories and what not, you can read that in my posts from a few years ago, I havent logged in here for awhile. Anyway,I also remembered that my friend was telling me How does it feel to make that teacher your bitch? As i recalled this i was laughing and said Haha, my bitch. All of a sudden afterwards, I felt anxiety, like oh noo why did i say this, like it was taboo or infected, and more recently, i have been having this type of OCD and not sure why. My mind began telling me to say out loud, No thats not my bitch, and that it had to be out loud, otherwise it didnt count as Deactivating the earlier comment. But even if i say that, my mind begins telling me that im a pussy because I was not able to deal with the anxiety initially, this is incredibly confusing and sometimes drives me crazy, Most of the time the confusing irrational thought also triggers seeing images of the teachers. They sort of just pop up. I try to stay with my feelings because it is easier than dealing with irrational thoughts, since thoughts always seems to cause or provoke anxiety anyway. Are there any suggestions on how to tackle these strange type of thoughts, or challenge them? I know that facing anxiety head on over time should decrease anxiety long term, and I have effectively used that, but sometimes these thoughts seem to be a damned if i do, damned if i dont type of mentality, and it seems hopeless. The most annoying part is the feeling clouded aspect, which makes me just want to smoke weed and forget about life.

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Do you think you have an idea on what would have to happen in order for this thematic thought to gradually lose its hold over you?

Im not sure honestly, i know the obsession changes usually after a few days, regardless of how bad the anxiety might be initially, I basically am more aware and picking up on patterns, or ways that my mind tries to trick me. For example, a couple days ago I downloaded that TOR browser, just to see what it was all about, since i hear people talking about the dark web or deep web. Anyway, when i clicked the install button i kind of pressed and held down the click button, and sort of had an image of a past teacher, again regarding that old trauma, anyway after installed the application, i kind of got anxiety, and my thoughts was saying to uninstall it, and then reinstall it, so the "mental slate" would be clean. After about a day of using it i uninstalled it, but then got another #######4 thought saying, "You're scared you deleted it blah blah, you have to reinstall it and face the anxiety type of thing, I currently do not have it installed lol. But also, it seems that my ocd mainly threatens me with one type of thought, and that is going out and socializing, I have been up and down with socializing, Im 24 rn and I can say I was more outgoing and social at 22 than i am rn. I have started to smoke more weed, so im more sure that can contribute to it as well. But the ocd always threatens me by saying, If you don't do such and such, then you cant go out, or you cant go out with that girl from school, you will have a horrible time and anxiety will destroy your whole night, thoughts of that nature, which try to scare me, however, I've noticed even if the thought feels really bad or scary, and my mind feels clouded, if i go out and do something anyway, I automatically tend to feel better, and those thoughts dont tend to seem so big or powerful and start losing meaning. But it can be annoying having some discomfort and a lingering thought, including an image of a teacher or someone I clearly dont want to see. A lot of times more recently, I feel like it is bothering my ego too. I experience disturbing images or even nasty and disgusting sexual type of mental videos playing in my mind, oral sex seems to bother me the most, so thats what keeps bombarding my mind, sometimes the first thing i see when i wake up is that ######6 $#%^, and its so god damn annoying, I know I have a fast imagination, ever since i was a kid i had an overactive and powerful imagination, but back then i would imagine cool things and cartoons or video games mostly. My question is, What can I possibly do to deal with these images or mental video type of disturbances. If i fight or resist, it usually persists, as a rule of ocd. But if i just let it be and not care about whatever disturbing image pops up, i am usually more relaxed but still experience discomfort or anxiety, and a problem with pride and ego like, WTF AM I SEEING THIS $#%^, ME, I AM MORE POWERFUL THAN THIS, I was a smart kid growing up, straight As, played on a soccer team, and did karate for many years, so naturally I hope someone can understand my frustration. I dont take any drugs, just smoke weed, so I hope someone out there can give me some kind of advice or helpful insight thanks!

bardock21 wrote:But the ocd always threatens me by saying, If you don't do such and such, then you cant go out, or you cant go out with that girl from school, you will have a horrible time and anxiety will destroy your whole night, thoughts of that nature, which try to scare me, however, I've noticed even if the thought feels really bad or scary, and my mind feels clouded, if i go out and do something anyway, I automatically tend to feel better, and those thoughts dont tend to seem so big or powerful and start losing meaning.

Man, I have exactly the same OCD trait as yours. For example, If I don't open and close a door 5 times, I won't succeed in life. There is really no cure. Going out with friends helps a lot, as you state, so keep it up. I would strongly advise you not to take any medications. This pharmaceutic industry makes money thanks to people like us - suffering from OCD. I am thankful I have obsessive thoughts about the cruelty of these medications. My psychiatrist prescribed me some, so I never returned back to her and I have never used a drug to help my OCD.
Oh, and by the way I have seen so many articles about marijuana and OCD. I am surely not telling you that weed is bad for OCD, but some state it can worsen symptoms. Some time ago, I used to smoke pot until I read an article in DailyMail stating that it may cause schizophrenia. And there is also high comorbidity between OCD and schizophrenia. That completely doesn't mean that OCD causes schizophrenia, but weed is said to cause it in cases when much pot is smoked.

Yeah man Its interesting, I feel as if you can look at ocd and compulsions in two ways. For example, lemme tell you what ended up bothering me for hours yesterday, ik its stupid too. Anyway, so I deleted someone off my snapchat yesterday, cuz we dont talk much anymore blah blah whatever. Anyway afterwards, I get a slight surge of anxiety, saying why did you do that? You did it for the OCD blah blah blah. Anyway, I have noticed any personal and "permanent" changes when it comes to cyber stuff or mostly social media apps, it tends to cause anxiety. I am doing my best to get over this as well, because I just want to defeat every type of OCD that tries to attack me. So i get the usual threatening thought, "If you dont add her back, you cant go out with that girl you hung out with last week". Now before this would get me crazy worked up and scared. But I am aware of its games and threats, and how it tries to scare me, so I didnt add her back and just accepted that It already happened. ANyway, then of course it jumps to something else, and says I have to change one of my friends contact names. I put his name as *****-San, just for fun like a japanese thing, since we both watch anime, but I had annoying thoughts saying I have to change it to just his name only and take out the San, because its "gay" or whatever, I ended up accepting that thought just going with it saying, yeah okay its gay. It seems though, even if I did change it back to normal, it would say that Im scared of facing my anxiety, and if i dont, it will just keep bothering me about changing the name, its so ridiculous lol, basically damned if you, damned if you dont. My point is, seems like whatever you want to do, you should do anyway, because whether you do or dont, OCD will try to work fast and cook up some BS thought trying to ruin your day,mood etc. I think the way we defeat OCD is simply not giving a ###$ what images,thoughts or anything comes in. Be strong, and remember, you are in control, even if your OCD makes you feel as if you are not at times. I do recommend smoking weed, if you find the proper strain for you, it can make it soooooo much more tolerable, when you are high, you realize these thoughts are nonsense, especially by smoking Indica strains of weed, its for Anxiety relief, one the anxiety is out of the equation, your just dealing with a stupid irrational thought, I highly urge anyone dealing with OCD, to not do your compulsions. However, heres my question lol, How would i know if im doing it out of anxiety or ocd, or just for my own sake, meaning, if i do change my friends name to just his regular name, would that be for ocd? Another interesting thing is, I feel like sometimes I should wait til the anxiety dies down, so i know im doing it for myself, because i want to, and not out of fear or anxiety because of the OCD. I would like some insight or advice for that, because it seems whatever i do ocd tries to cook up some nonsense thought. Also, I noticed whenever im more generally happy or i had a really good day, the OCD tries to ###$ it up later on if im home or whatever, so I always practice telling myself I love and respect myself, and I deserve to be happy all the time! I find this powerful because you are telling yourself you deserve a good day directly, and with ocd trying to ruin your day, it can be a strong therapeutic type of thing. Anyway thanks to anyone who reads this whole thing!

bardock21 wrote:However, heres my question lol, How would i know if im doing it out of anxiety or ocd, or just for my own sake, meaning, if i do change my friends name to just his regular name, would that be for ocd?

Don't compete with the OCD, accept it as your friend. I made a bargain with my OCD. I said: "OK, today I won't check the door, I won't wash my hands exactly 7 times, but in the end of the day I will touch my head once for you, OCD." I let my OCD to have this one ritual (touching my head in the end of the day) in order for me to compensate for my other rituals. lol. I may sound like a schizophrenic, but believe me I write it in this way in order for you to understand it more easily.

bardock21 wrote:Another interesting thing is, I feel like sometimes I should wait til the anxiety dies down, so i know im doing it for myself, because i want to, and not out of fear or anxiety because of the OCD. I would like some insight or advice for that, because it seems whatever i do ocd tries to cook up some nonsense thought.

You are doing it for yourself anyway. The OCD is part from you. You are a different and special person. Leo DiCaprio and David Bechkam suffer from OCD, too.

bardock21 wrote:Anyway thanks to anyone who reads this whole thing!

I read it man, I read it all. I hope you also read mine.

Thats interesting that you make deals with your ocd like that, btw happy new year to everyone! Hope your all doing well.
Just wanted to update here since i realized I hadnt been on in awhile. anyway, ive been feeling a bit strange lately, not really dealing with ocd as much, and i feel like it barely has any annoyance on me anymore, but rather, now im dealing with just feeling depressed throughout the day, and just have these profound sad moments, where im just sitting, sometimes have netflix or tv running, sometimes dead silent. I dont care anymore, about anything, and i feel myself have a huge lack of motivation, and dont feel like doing even the simplest tasks. Ive been smoking wax now, and feel liek my tolerance is at such a high level, making me feel totally addicted. I feel being sober is boring, but I do know that when i am sober i am more active, and even use more sophisticated vocabulary in my regular conversations. When im smoking weed or wax, I just dont have interest in things, I feel like ive given up, because im getting a lot of job interviews but their mostly things im not interested in, like working with autistic kids, or asking for donations as a commission job, its a bunch of crap. anyway, i graduated with a bachelors in psychology and feel like this was a waste, and in the meantime im trying to get into a physician assistant program for my masters. It feels a bit hopeless at the moment, and it makes me sad, because despite the fact that different companies call me for interviews or job offers, none of them seem appealing to me, and in turn makes me feel depressed which makes me just wanna smoke and not do anything.