Trans or just OCD? Really hoping it's just OCD :(

Hello everybody. So i made this account to ask something that bothers me for around a year or so. And its making me crazy.

It all started back in 2016. I’m afraid that i’m gay. The thought is so scary and crippling. Now the fear had just moved – i’m afraid that i am a transgender. I once stated back in my childhood that i want to be a woman, but my mother say no. And i never think about being a woman again. In fact i was a happy guy – i feel irritated when my sister used to have more leg hair than me, i also feel irritated when people mistook me as a girl because of my feminine-sounding name, or my pre-puberty voice. I love my body growth, and i wish i have longer penis or a stronger erection lol. I don’t really enjoy “macho” things such as sports back then, but i know deep down in my heart that i am a man. I never question my gender until 2016. One day, we learned about sex in biology class. i asked the teacher if the person change his/her sex, does the chromosome changes? She said no. But after i asked the question, the thought pops in my head : “what if i’m a transgender?” I feel really anxious, and i feel really weird as well. I deeply question my gender. I feel weird wearing my own clothing, something i have never, EVER, experienced before. The thought stick until mid 2016, when i enroll in college. I started to forget the thought, even though the thought occasionally appears and making me quite nervous. But it appears rather sporadically and quite rare. The thought returned around two weeks ago, when i feel a spike of anxiety when i’m taking a shower and looking at my penis. Somehow i feel anxious about it, and about my body. I’m really afraid that this means i am trans, and even though i am sure that i’m not trans, the reasurement disappears nearly overnight. I wake up thinking “am i not a man.” I spent my time lurking on ocd and transgender forum. I don’t want to be a woman but when i said those words i get anxiety instead. But i really don’t want to and i want to return to my happy life back before all of this started . I want to live happily as a man and i always picture myself as a grown man or happily married as a husband, but now i'm just not sure anymore. I have weird feeling when people refers to me with male pronoun. And lurking in transgender forums doesn't help, since the message i get is basically "you are trans and you must transition" but i really don't want to .

Anyway i have never diagnosed with OCD, but i have anxiety problems and the list of the things that make me nervous are : being gay, catching HIV from a straw, dying, dying from a natural disaster, suicide, even friendship conflict make me extremely nervous.

Well you don't sound transgender to me.

You're not transgender but probably have ocd. Gay and trans people feel good about it. They feel comfortable but you clearly don't. Those people on the trans forums probably are narrow minded and don't know about ocd. I am a gay guy and sometimes I think it's fun to imagine me being a woman but I'm a man and happy about it.

Try to get a good psychologist. It really helps! Btw I'm 21 and when I was your age (I guess your age is around 14 years old?) my ocd started with fear of contracting HIV. I was thinking irrationaly and thought I could get HIV from almost anything. Now I still have this sick disorder but I'm on meds so I'm able to function well.

Thanks for the reply. I'm 19 by the way.

Thinking again, i think when i said i want to be a woman back in my childhood (8 y.o. i guess), i'm actually experiencing what i feel right now lol.

I feel better today, and i started to believe that i am a man again. But i still get weird feeling - even anxiety - when people refer to me in male pronoun. I really hate this and i'm anxious because my anxiety might be the sign of me being trans.

God i hate this.

Oh sorry I thought you were a teen.. My bad..

I think its because of the ocd and doubt that you get a little anxious still. Remember that most trans people actually feel MORE comfortable with the idea of transition while you hate it.

Again, thanks for the reply. But my condition has been deterioriated.

My trans worry has reached an unknown level.
I somehow feels more anxiety when i think myself as a man. I know that deep down inside me i’m still a man (or at least i wish), but the thought somehow give me anxiety.
I have contemplate and i have reach the conclusion that i have no interest whatsoever in woman’s clothing, haircut, activities, or body. I prefer to have penis than vagina. And i also hate having boobies.
But somehow imagining myself as a man give me anxiety, even though i know i am.
And i tried to imagine myself as a woman and i still got anxiety, only lesser.
It feels like i’m neither a man or a woman now.
But when i tried to put myself in non-binary section, i still feel anxious.
I really don’t know why i still feel anxious.
It feels like any thought that crossed my mind give me anxiety. Being a man? Anxious. Transition? Anxious.
I mean i feel quite good earlier today. I really feels like a man. But after the sunset, the anxiety level upped to eleven.
I really have no idea who i am.
I can’t find reassurance anymore. I always feel anxious. I even tried to seek reassurance in trans forum, to no avail.
God help me

The most important thing to do is get a professional to help you through this troubling time. Trust me I have been suffering too, I even lost 10 pounds because of how anxious I've been! Seeking reassurance will get you so far, trust me I've practically had this forum tethered to my physical being for the past 4 weeks because of how relieving it would be to read the same forum topics over and over again. Ocd and anxiety are however things that need to be put in check through other means. I know it must be rough going through your thoughts and seek an affirmative answer but it's not going to help. For me, it never did, which is why I am going to see a psychiatrist on Monday. I only hope things get better for you in the long run.